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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to live with my mil

29 replies

Mummyonacloud · 29/12/2011 16:23

Thats it really. I have two dd's aged 5 and 14months. I live with my fiancé, his mum and his brother and have done so for the past 4 and bit years. It was supposed to be short term but now it seems like my oh's got it comfortable and I can't see it changing anytime soon. We do pay rent to stay there and we also do our own food shop, cleaning, cooking etc.

I find it really hard not to have my own space, for myself and the children. Even down to things like I don't have anywhere to put my clothes so I literally have 1 drawer and my car boot, same for my dd's things. My oh works full time so it's usually just me, my youngest dd and my mil at home and I find it really hard just to get on and do things. I spend most of my day in my oh's bedroom avoiding her. We get on ok but she's very interfering, controlling and nosey and I'm finding it hard to be treated like a child every time I want to leave the house (she constantly asks where I'm going, who with and what time I'll be back!)

My oh and I can't have any privacy, when it comes to conversations or intimacy and it's really driving a wedge between us. I just know that if I say anything against his mum to him he will have a go at me. I have actually raised it to him before and it ended up with him calling me ungrateful and kicking me out with my then 4 year old and 2 month old dd's in the middle of the night.

Ok, so thanks if you've got this far!

So what I want to know is... Aibu and being an ungrateful cow or is my oh bu, expecting us to live this way when we can afford to live elsewhere.

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 29/12/2011 16:27

no yanbu, however, if as you say, you can afford to live elsewhere, i would go and rent a house, move in and invite your oh to go with you, if he chooses not to you will at least finally find out where you stand!

PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 29/12/2011 16:27

He sounds like an absolute arse. You're not being ungrateful, you want your own home. I'd move out ASAP.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 29/12/2011 16:29

Is there any question of this being a cultural thing? SOmething which would be usual in his culture but not nec in yours?

marriedandwreathedinholly · 29/12/2011 16:34

That's what I thought too LadyHarriet but then I read the OP again and it clearly says fiancee and I think the cultures you and I are thinking of would expect the couple to be married.

OP there are some inconsistencies - you say you have no intimacy but you have a four month old baby. You say you have only a drawer and the boot of the car for your clothes but your DH has a whole room. If this was supposed to be a short term arrangement and you want to live independently why did you have a second child?

The situation doesn't sound at all satisfactory but I'm not quite understanding why it happened in the first place. Where are your parents and family in all of this?

SantasENormaSnob · 29/12/2011 16:35

He kicked you, a 4 year old and the baby out in the middle of the night? Shock

Wtf

ConferencePear · 29/12/2011 16:39

YANBU I would give him an ultimatum. I would explain carefully how difficult you find it having no space to call your own and if he is unresponsive give him a choice or you or his DM.

SuePurblybilt · 29/12/2011 16:39

Are they his children too?

sue52 · 29/12/2011 16:40

You can't continue to live like this. Surely you would be seen as having housing needs by your local authority or housing association.
Any man who can kick a 2 month old baby out is not worth having.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2011 16:43

I would tell him that you and the girls are moving out - he can come with you or he can stay at his Mothers. There's no way I could live how you are living, especially when you don't need to be, that's madness!

confusedpixie · 29/12/2011 16:44

"Any man who can kick a 2 month old baby out is not worth having." This.

StarbuckIzzy · 29/12/2011 16:46

He sounds lovely!! He kicked you and your child and a baby out in the middle of the night? That would be a deal breaker for me! He obviously doesn't give a crap about you or the kids.

Go and speak to the housing dept of the local council. They nay be able to help you and even temporary accomodation of a one bedroomed is a vast improvement on space and privacy than your current situation.

Do you not work? How about getting a part time job? Sharing childcare with your fiancée you may be able to afford to rent if you both work.

I think you need to seriously think about your situation. You should not feel trapped or accountable to your MIL, neither should you have to stay in her house. Also, ask him what he wants or if he actually cares about your feelings and your children's happiness.

Original poster
Mummyonacloud · 29/12/2011 16:47

There's no cultural reason behind it. To be fair we are young, we are both 24. I am self employed and he earns 30k plus so are actually doing quite well. Yes they are both his children too. I'm just annoyed really. Yes we were very young when we fell pregnant with our first daughter but we got together and planned our futures. We managed to stick to the plan and now that we have the resources to move out, he doesn't want to. He tells me all the time he loves me etc and I really do love him but i've just about had enough of living like this. It's really depressing me.

OP posts:
Driftwood999 · 29/12/2011 16:47

Op, a little more info please, as SPb asks, are they his children too? If they are not, then you have other choices. I find your post a bit bleating tbh, you have 2 children, what did you do to provide for your self, assuming you are a modern, liberated woman.

RandomMess · 29/12/2011 16:48

YANBU, go to the council and find out about help to move out. The relationship has clearly broken down if he can treat you like that.

Driftwood999 · 29/12/2011 16:48

x post

nailak · 29/12/2011 16:50

I had a similar experience to yours, and 3 years later it still makes me resentful and has an impact on my relationship.

I feel my Dh was putting his comfort above my mental health, and my bond with dd.

I agree the only way is to for you to physically move out. If he wants to come with you he will.

Driftwood999 · 29/12/2011 16:54

Read your update, in that case sit down and write out a financial plan so that you can alter your situation. Being a MIL is not a fun thing either, I imagine, so on that score of course who would want to be in that situation either way? Your MIL is facilitating your future, so being temporarily fed up is a small price to pay imho.

toddlerama · 29/12/2011 16:55

We lived with my parents for almost 3 years when our DDs were younger. It was a bit shit with lack of space/privacy, but DH liked it better than I did and they were his in-laws! It got us to where we needed to be financially and we moved out 18 months ago. The big difference is we were absolutely, first and foremost, a team and a unit. There is no way one of us would have put my parents above each other. No chance. The living accommodation is a big deal, but a red herring in terms of the problems in your relationship. He put you out in the night with your children. He is not committed to your family.

Original poster
Mummyonacloud · 29/12/2011 16:58

Tbh I know that things need to change. I will definitely go to my council and see if they can offer me some help and advice.

I will try to talk to him again tonight and if he is still adamant he's not moving then I'm afraid it's just not going to work between us anymore.

Thank you so much for the advice and I will definitely update you all.

OP posts:
OhdearNigel · 29/12/2011 16:58

He sounds charming. Can you not afford a rental, surely even the tiniest of 1 bed or studio flats would be better than what you have now ?

OhdearNigel · 29/12/2011 17:01

Have you all been living together so you can save up a deposit ? I think you need to give him an ultimatum

squeakytoy · 29/12/2011 17:02

if he earns 30k, then I can see no reason why you are cooped up with your MIL when you could be renting a house or a flat, even in london that is affordable!

It is a bit late to question why you had a second child though, when you were already living in these circumstances...

TooEasilyTempted · 29/12/2011 17:04

Can't have been that bad for that long, as you'd been there for years already before you chose to have another baby. Time to put up or shut up.

And your OH sounds like a complete wanker, throwing his partner and 2 month old baby into the streets. Prick.

TroublesomeEx · 29/12/2011 17:08

Sounds a little bit to me like he's a bit too reluctant to cut those apron strings.

Clearly your DP and his mum have a close relationship. There's a lot to be said for looking at how a man treats his mum to see how he'll treat his wife in a few years... DS's father was an absolute treasure to his mum, their relationship was great.

Unfortunately, when I suggested that we moved out of hers and find out own place, I started to get accused of being jealous of their relationship and suggesting it was 'unnatural' (I didn't). They very much closed ranks and I was pushed out completely.

Consequently I found myself single, homeless, penniless and 8 months pregnant. But to this day, I think it was the best thing that could have happened to me!

Hiding away in your room sounds very familiar to me. And that's no way to live; in fact it's a lonely, stressful, miserable existence - always listening for the door and footsteps. What message will your children be getting about you and your worth? The family dynamics and authority must be all over the place Sad.

Move out whilst it is in your control. If he wants to follow you he will, if not, he will never put you and the DCs first.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 29/12/2011 17:22

Living with your mother in law isn't the problem.

living with a 'man' who is happy to throw onto the street, in the middle of the night, his partner, a 4 year old child and a two month old baby. That's your problem.

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