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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really??? What century are we in??

57 replies

NorksAkimbo · 29/12/2011 10:04

DH and I have 2 DCs aged 5 and 4. DH has full time job, hours are 8:30-5ish. I am a full time PhD student (on a studentship, so I do contribute financially to the household), so my hours are flexible, but I tend to work 9-5ish most days. DCs are in school full time, and I do the school run every morning. Our am routine goes something like this: DH up at 6:30 with children, does breakfast, playtime, makes his lunch, irons his shirt for work. I am not a morning person, so I usually get up between 6:45 and 7, have a shower, get myself ready, then DH and I switch...he gets ready for work, I get DCs ready for school. We've done this for absolute ages, even when I was a SAHM; the idea then was that because I was home all day with two small kids, one of my 'breaks' was having a bit of a longer sleep in the morning, while DH got a bit of time with his children before heading out for the day. This all makes perfect sense to me!!

Conversation about this over Christmas dinner, and my in-laws think this is absolutely preposterous: I should be the one getting up with the kids, doing breakfast, et al for them, allowing for DH to prioritise sleep and getting himself ready, because his job is the one that provides for us and so is more important. They couldn't believe that I would even consider sleeping later in the morning than everyone else. These are not old people...they are only 5 or so years older than we are...what is going on here???

Is this actually unreasonable?? I know it shouldn't make a bit of difference, because we're doing what works for us, I'm just a bit gobsmacked that this would seem unreasonable to anyone!

OP posts:

Sirzy · 29/12/2011 10:10

Your in laws are only 5 years older than you and your dh? Eh?

Other than that just nod and smile then carry on what works for you as a family

Adversecamber · 29/12/2011 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 29/12/2011 10:14

My MIL is like this, it drives me up the fucking wall. DH's job is all important in her eyes. When I was really struggling with PND after DD was born, I used to get countless lectures on how I wasn't to let it affect DH. Even now with dc2 due any day now, she has asked DH whether he really needs to take his paternity leave (his boss is his best friend and fine with P leave!) and wouldn't it look better if he didn't.

You wouldn't think I'd been working for the last 4 years as well

ThompsonTwins · 29/12/2011 10:15

If you are both happy with the arrangement then just carry on. It doesn't matter what other people think. What happens at night? Do you share cooking/housework/bedtime routine for your DC. If so, it is enviable IMO.

TheFallenMadonna · 29/12/2011 10:16

We both work FT, and my in laws (PIL and SIL) think the house and children should be my sole responsibility because they simply can't get their heads around any other way of doing things. Their outlook is constrained to a ridiculous extent.

Best to just let it wash over you...

LydiaWickham · 29/12/2011 10:16

Some men are selfish. Some woman believe they have a right to be (see most threads on here)

Some people (both male and female) consider spending any time with a child to be 'work' and don't understand why anyone would want to spend time with their DCs if they didn't have to.

Some people don't consider studying to be a job in it's own right, so they may well see you as still a SAHM.

JaneBennet · 29/12/2011 10:17

Nod and smile. Repeat. I have given myself both neck ache and a facial workout over the past week.

ViviPrudolf · 29/12/2011 10:18

Since when is 6.45 - 7.00 am a lie-in? Sounds torturous. (Spot the childless MNtter)

YANBU, OP, but YABU for not brushing off their silly comments and thinking no more of it.

TheMonster · 29/12/2011 10:19

Our morning routine is similar to yours and DP gets DS ready for school. They don't need playtime in the morning though, surely!

WaitingForMe · 29/12/2011 10:29

I'd say that's pretty much the ideal balance of things.

It says a lot about someone when the importance of someone's contribution is only considered in financial terms. I earn less but as a freelancer I'm flexible so DH never has to worry about vets appointments and my lack of commute means I have more time and energy do do a bigger share of housework.

MIL sees me as being little more than a housewife though and worries about the strain on DH for the mortgage on our house and our lifestyle. Like JaneBennet I just nod and smile now.

Original poster

NorksAkimbo · 29/12/2011 10:46

Sorry...YES...I meant BIL and SIL when I said they were only a few years older (MIL agrees with them, but being from a different generation, that doesn't surprise me as much).
I'm glad I'm not alone...I know I should let it wash over me, and honestly, I'm not bothered about it; I just really wanted to know if ours was a completely out of the ordinary scenario!
Vivi considering that DS used to get up at 5:30am...6:30 is a lie in to us! :)

The playtime I was referring to in the morning is basically just supervision; DS and DD are pretty good friends, so DH doesn't actually have to do much, he just likes to hang out with them in the morning when they're messing around. We do evenings together; bath and bedtime, so I think, in terms of parenting, we do a pretty equal share.

Though I don't think our situation is unusual, I also know that there are DHs who don't do this much at home...but that's down to me to a degree: I wanted a parenting PARTNER, and didn't want to be solely responsible for our DCs. He is glad that I've always pushed that issue, because he realises that it would have been easy to let me do everything, but he wouldn't have the relationship with them that he does. He isn't great about initiating housework, but will do stuff if asked, and I don't mind that part...the parenting is equal, and he does all the outside stuff that I don't want to do!

OP posts:

Original poster

NorksAkimbo · 29/12/2011 10:49

It was really their reaction to this that kind of made me They were seriously put off by the whole notion!!

OP posts:

HoHoHoudini · 29/12/2011 11:05

Oh yes, smile and nod

Or chuck cat in with pigeons, and say in a totally horrified voice to SIL, He has you doing WHAT? and YOU BASTARD to BIL. Give her the standard 'Leave The Bastard' MN quip, hurl a load of words far to long for them to comprehend, say Welcome to the 21st Century, then flounce out...

YOU and your DH have it RIGHT, moreover right for your family and it sounds like a fabulous arrangement.

Don't let anyone tell you what you do is wrong, it isn't, it sounds perfect for you, for him and more importantly for your DC to see equal and involved parenting.

JumpinJellyBeansOnToast · 29/12/2011 11:19

Your SIL is just jealous and is trying to justify the sucker set up that she's gotten herself into. Your BIL is horrified at the idea that he might actually have to parent his own kids and won't want your SIL to be 'getting any ideas now'.

They probably deserve each other. Good on you two for the arrangement you have. Your children will grow up with memories of both parents being equally involved and that's a GOOD thing.

Flyingoutofcontrol · 29/12/2011 11:24

I'm a WAH mum. I get up earlier than DH, but I get a shower and get dressed and he listens out for DS and gets him up and dressed/changed if he wakes up - my inlaws think this is a good idea.

When he gets in (about 6ish) he then has DS for the half hour to an hour (depending on how tired DS is) and I get a break to do what I want; alhtough in practice, I just sit and watch the two of them play coz it's so cute

Similarly at weekends, we share the duties - a lie in each (unless DS is ill) and a longer shower rather than the 5 minute rush!

Your in-laws need to get a grip and stop living in the past!

marriedandwreathedinholly · 29/12/2011 11:25

Presumably your DH feels he is getting enough rest with this arrangement. Providing that is that is the case then all is well - smile and nod as others have suggested. If your DH is exhausted and coudl do with an extra hour in bed a couple of times a week and your ILs are aware of this then maybe they have a point.

exoticfruits · 29/12/2011 11:26

Best never to discuss your own arrangements-since you have- just nod, smile and ignore, beyond saying 'it works for us'.

CailinDana · 29/12/2011 11:29

I am a SAHM, DH works full time. We take turns getting up with DS who is convinced that the day starts between 4:30 and 6 am The other person then gets up at 7, except on weekends when we both get to lie in on one morning for as long as we like. As soon as DH comes home he makes me a latte and takes over with DS while I chill. We usually take turns giving DS his dinner, then we all sit and play or watch some tv before DS goes to bed. When I was bfing DH used to get DS ready for bed (including baths) and I would then go and feed him. Now that he's on bottles we share the bedtimes. DH cooks every night, I tidy up. It's DH's job to clean the bathroom and keep on top of the hoovering, I keep the kitchen clean do mine and DS's washing (but not DH's) and do general tidying, admin etc. So it's pretty fairly split down the middle. Works for us.

Ephiny · 29/12/2011 11:33

It's none of their business how you organise your home life. If you and DH are both happy with the current arrangement and feel that it's fair, and everything is getting done that needs to be, then that's all that matters.

If they want to do things differently, and have a more traditional husband/wife setup, then that's up to them - wouldn't appeal to me, but everyone's different. I think some people just have difficulty generally imagining that anyone else's situation can be different from their own!

I wouldn't get in an argument with them about whose way is 'right' or 'wrong', because it's meaningless and pointless, I agree with the 'nod and smile' approach really.

CailinDana · 29/12/2011 11:34

Oh and I'm taking DS out to soft play later so DH can have a break. I mentioned that I was going out and the first thing he said was "Ok what do I need to do when you're out, I suppose I could..." I had to tell him that he is required to bloody sit down and rest for ten seconds! He wasn't always like this by the way, he used to be quite lazy. Being a dad really suits him :)

Original poster

NorksAkimbo · 29/12/2011 11:42

HoHoHoudini your post cracked me up!!

Yes...it was my fault for even bringing it up...don't remember how it happened, so from now on, will keep my gob shut, and hope that it never resurfaces. I should know better, I guess...Both SILS and BILS are fairly 'traditional' from a gender standpoint, and my family isn't (even my grandparents were fairly equal in the raising of my mom and her brothers), so I don't know why I'm surprised that they thought I was a bad wife for not putting DHs needs first!

OP posts:

Original poster

NorksAkimbo · 29/12/2011 11:45

I'm thinking about the jealousy thing now...that actually could be it. Their kids are all grown now, but I think both SILS did ALL the work to raise them, and they both worked outside the home, as well.

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/12/2011 11:51

My mum is a bit like that; not only thinking the woman should do everything but that she should be submissive to the man too and do as he says. She never disagrees with my dad or refuses to do anything he says as she truly thinks the man is in charge in a relationship. She doesn't like it at all that I insist that DH does an equal share of childcare and housework to me and also that I openly disagree with DH on some things. She thinks I should do things such as open the door for DH when he gets home, and make him a drink once he's in the door. There is no way I would want to be like that and certainly no way I would want my children to witness that kind of thing!

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 29/12/2011 11:52

I still don't think 6.45 is a lie in.

NinkyNonker · 29/12/2011 11:54

Do in effect he is getting up only 15 to 30 mins before you every day and they think this is unreasonable?! How odd!

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