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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really??? What century are we in??

57 replies

NorksAkimbo · 29/12/2011 10:04

DH and I have 2 DCs aged 5 and 4. DH has full time job, hours are 8:30-5ish. I am a full time PhD student (on a studentship, so I do contribute financially to the household), so my hours are flexible, but I tend to work 9-5ish most days. DCs are in school full time, and I do the school run every morning. Our am routine goes something like this: DH up at 6:30 with children, does breakfast, playtime, makes his lunch, irons his shirt for work. I am not a morning person, so I usually get up between 6:45 and 7, have a shower, get myself ready, then DH and I switch...he gets ready for work, I get DCs ready for school. We've done this for absolute ages, even when I was a SAHM; the idea then was that because I was home all day with two small kids, one of my 'breaks' was having a bit of a longer sleep in the morning, while DH got a bit of time with his children before heading out for the day. This all makes perfect sense to me!!

Conversation about this over Christmas dinner, and my in-laws think this is absolutely preposterous: I should be the one getting up with the kids, doing breakfast, et al for them, allowing for DH to prioritise sleep and getting himself ready, because his job is the one that provides for us and so is more important. They couldn't believe that I would even consider sleeping later in the morning than everyone else. These are not old people...they are only 5 or so years older than we are...what is going on here???

Is this actually unreasonable?? I know it shouldn't make a bit of difference, because we're doing what works for us, I'm just a bit gobsmacked that this would seem unreasonable to anyone!

OP posts:
CailinDana · 29/12/2011 11:55

Hexagonal, you wouldn't mind asking if your mum would like to be my wife, would you? I'm not very smelly and I love a good drink in the evening. I'm even willing to share her with your dad. Thanks.

HoHoHoudini · 29/12/2011 11:57

Grin Good idea to keep schtum! None of their business...

BUT if they bring it up, make sure you have perfected totally OTT pitiful expressions and say, 'I know love, how positively neanderthal an arrangement you have. Poor you...'

Grin
WorkingClassMum · 29/12/2011 11:58

Def jealous on the SIL's behalf and def horrified reality check on behalf of the BIL.

I bet he's the sort of Dad that has 'babysat' his own DC?

I'd take great joy in letting SIL know your arrangement if it where me - its never too late to educate someone about equality.

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 29/12/2011 12:05

I think your DH sounds wonderful op. Kudos.

Original poster
NorksAkimbo · 29/12/2011 12:33

Gah!! 'Babysitting' the DC...that's a whole other thread!!! Angry

HoHo can I just invite you to the next family gathering...I have a feeling we'd have a great time! Grin

DH is wonderful, Bin ...and I say that in the non-smuggest way possible!! Grin It's only a bit to do with me, really...he's just a good person.

OP posts:
RainboweBrite · 29/12/2011 15:48

I think they are jealous too, but it's none of their business. If I. were you, I think wouldn't tell them much about your lives, as it doesn't sound as if they are very tolerant of others' choices.

SoFreshNSoClean · 29/12/2011 15:53

My DH gets up at 6.30 and gets kids breakfasted, washed and dressed, then does the school run most days. He works from home most days and when he does have to be out for meetings they are never before 10am, while I have to be out of the house at 7.30am (and I also have to look good for work, so spend time doing hair, make-up blah blah).

I am usually home for after school stuff, making kids dinner, homework etc, though, so swings and roundabouts.

I am aghast at how many women do absolutely everything child/house -related while their husband does sod all.

They are jealous/old fashioned.

TalkinPeace2 · 29/12/2011 16:07

DH and I are both self employed from home.
Our hours vary from zilch - which has made this holiday VERY lazy
to utterly manic/ FT work / working away / writing reports in the evening
neither of our families "get" our lifestyle
and our kids find it very strange the idea that some peoples parents get up at the same time each day and go to the same place to work every day
we split the house duties
some things I always do - and if I'm working they do not get done
some things he does - and if he's working they get left
some things we alternate
and the kids have learned to pitch in (if its on the floor when I want to vacuum their rooms it goes in the bin, if you did not put it in the wash I will not come looking for it to clean it, you want clean bowls - load the dishwasher)
but mainly I've given up trying to explain to other people.
our system works for us
other peoples systems work for them
that'll do

Bossybritches22 · 29/12/2011 16:13

Your house your rules, if it works well for you great the others can feck off.

Sounds like a wonderfully equitable relationship to me & best of all the DC's get time with both parents, together & each parent alone.

Plus Mummy get's a bit of a lie-in which stops her being a grumpy moo later Grin

ViviPrudolf · 29/12/2011 16:14

Same here, TalkinPeace. We have an identical scenario chez 'Pru.

The last few days' "zilch" has been VERY peculiar (but awesome)

Pishtushette · 29/12/2011 16:16

Their attitude is preposterous. MIL is always telling DP how hard it was for her when she was bringing him up and that he must do his share. Xmas Grin

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 29/12/2011 16:18

OP: There are sooo many people who think this, that the person in paid work should be the one prioritised in terms of breaks and helping around the house. I have one childless friend who cannot grasp that if the father in one couple we know didn't EVER help around the house, his wifewould literally be on call 24 hours a day, every day of the week. THis is okay, because it was 'her choice' to have children and he's supporting them all financially.

NinkyNonker · 29/12/2011 16:21

I've seen that attitude a lot on MN as well to be honest.

AllGoodNamesGone · 29/12/2011 16:26

DH is a lark (chooses to get up at 6 - seriously 8 am is a major lie in for him!) and he has dealt with early rising children ever since I was pregnant with DS2 as the sparrows fart wakings of DS1 were killing me! When babies were breastfed, I mostly dealt with them in the night as I knew I would get that precious sleep between 6 and 8 which would set me up for the day!

I am an owl and now I sort out any teenage needs late in the evenings - ok so I got a good deal as they are pretty much self caring but I am the one to go out to pick them up if needed (DH comatose on the settee by 9pm!)

Works for us, but best not mentioned to my mum!

CheerfulYank · 29/12/2011 16:32

It is bizarre, isn't it?

DH works 8-6 most days. I work 8-Noon at a school and several evenings a week 5:30-7:30 at a cinema. When we first fell into this schedule we agreed that since I was home more I would do the main cleaning, laundry, dinner etc but I wouldn't pick up after him and he could do bath and bed and dinner on the weekends. He also does some cleaning on the weekends.

Some people even find this shocking! Why TAF would I pick up after a full-grown man?!

bluebirdcafe · 29/12/2011 16:47

They sound jealous OP and you shouldn't let it bother you. I have similar arrangements with DH, he works FT but gets the DC ready for school and I am a SAHM. It works for us and I worked it out with DH before having the DC, because he was keener on having them than me so agreed to take on that responsibility and I hate early mornings! My in-laws have made catty comments about it to me but I'm under no doubt that they would love to have my lie-ins if they had the chance.

Pebbleonabeach1 · 29/12/2011 17:15

I had a great conversation with my MIL this Christmas along the lines of

1 - education is much more important for boys than girls as women always give up work to have babies and don't contribute financially (I am a WOHM who makes a significant contribution to our monthly income and at work has an equal level of seniority as my husband )
2 - husbands should always be head of the household and make the decisions and the wife should just agree
3 - old boys network is fine for determining who gets a job and a better qualified women should not get a job if the less qualified man knows someone in the company who can persuade HR to hire him instead.

I kid you not. My DH was very impressed that I managed to ignore these comments - as the ramblings of a woman clearly losing her mind!

ledkr · 29/12/2011 17:24

hex My Mum is the same.After id had dd2 by section she asked dh down to hers to watch the footy with my dad and cook him dinner. She said it would "give him a nice break" My Dad watches her dish up dinner then runs off to sit at the table and be served.
I have no idea how i turned out to be me who does fuck all for anyone!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/12/2011 17:27

I too detest the "He doesn't have to do anything as he earns money" attitude demonstrated by some on MN and some in RL. I find it depressing.

PollyMorfic · 29/12/2011 17:27

Sounds like you've got a good domestic set-up that works for both of you. Ignore them.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/12/2011 17:28

ledkr, it's sickening isn't it? I would have been fuming at the "give him a nice break" comment, it's something my mum would probably come out with too.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 29/12/2011 17:33

DH left to take MIL home this morning. Grin

MIL arrived 22nd December

Since then I have heard the following:

"You are very lucky to have your own car"
"Did you have to collect the Turkey at 7.30am" (yes, I was working on Friday)
"You are very privileged that DH pays for the cleaner"
"Buying DD a casual coat was very extravagant when she has a jacket and her school coat"
"Is there anything I can do" - when the ironing is done, the house is immaculate, the table is set, the presents are wrapped, etc"
"There seem to be a lot of moneyed peopled at your church although the woman with the ponytail looked common" (woman is a don and a member of one of the wealthiest clans locally).
"Your mother of course isn't like people like us", ie mean lentil knitters who don't know on which side their bread is buttered.
"I'm not left wing I voted for Maggie Thatcher in 1979" - and you read the Guardian, like piercings and don't think education means people should work and put something back into society.
"How exactly did you grandfather make his money" - gambling and the black market probably but as you lick your plate, don't turn your nose up ducks.

Does anyone blame me for being on my second glass of wine and still in my dressing gown. Queen's honours on Sunday and I need a medal.

However, nod and smile, nod and smile, nod and smile. Feels another wine and a hot bubbly bath coming on. Might even take the children to Carluccios for supper if I can be arsed (people like us you know) OTH we might have egg and chips!

ledkr · 29/12/2011 17:51

When my ex had an affair and i naturally showed him the door,my Mum asked me if i really wanted to end my 18 yr marriage over something so silly Confused She told my sister i was "difficult for a man to live with" roughly translated as-she doesn't wait on him and sometimes makes him get his own dinner shock horror. I always worked full time with 4 dc's and she felt sorry for him as it was hard for him to have the children when i was out at work.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

slowburner · 29/12/2011 18:12

My DH is lovely. But I kid you not he struggles to see why he should do his share, my idea of a day with our DD often consists of some 'fun' housework, then shopping, lunch, playdate or something outdoors then home for tea, cook our dinner maybe some baking, DH gets home and manages DD for max an hour. I do all the cleaning. He fails utterly to comprehend cleaning and as of next week I'll be getting quotes for a cleaner. He does load the dishwasher. I manage the house and try to do a full time phd, we've just has a disagreement about me getting one, yes one, day this week to work. He had this afternoon 'off' and played xbox. My mil thinks he is the man of the house etc etc and it's ok for him to be lazy, he works hard, I work twice as hard but yet never get a break.

It sucks. YANBU. If it works for you then brilliant, our setup currently works for DH but not me, therefore it needs to change.

QuietTiger · 29/12/2011 18:28

If the set-up works for you, OP, then bollocks to your PIL's.

DH and I work in such a way, that although we both work from home in the family business (farming) his role means that he's out doing physical work all day and my role is doing all the admin for the farm and running the house/personal admin. I hate cleaning and don't actually have time to do it properly, so we have cleaners. Both of us work probably a 50+ hour week, but in very different roles, IYSWIM?

The number of people who think I'm a lazy bitch who sits on my arse all day, watching Jeremy Kyle and drinking tea, because I have a cleaner and I "work from home" (after all, it's not a proper job, working from home Hmm ) is unbelievable. That includes my MIL, who is appalled at the fact that DH makes me a coffee every morning when I get up. Apparently it should be the other way around and is proof I'm lazy... When MIL got told I get up 30mins later than DH... Well!!

My point? Ignore them. If you and DH are happy with the arrangement, what business is it of anyone elses how your household works?