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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pick up the baby?

49 replies

HappyGooYear · 28/12/2011 19:49

She is one.

She screams and cries when she wakes up.

If I go in and pick her up, she shushes, sucks her thumb and starts to go to sleep.

When I put her down she screams like a banshee.

Eventually I get to the point where she cries herself to sleep.

This could be 6 minutes after she starts, or it could be 3 hours if I go in and comfort her.

I am feeling super shit ATM as she is crying and crying, but I do not want to spend all night in a dark room.

So do I leave her, or do I go in there and make her feel better for 10 minutes until I put her down again and she screams again.

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 28/12/2011 19:51

God it's such a long time since mine were that age but I'm sure that I just left them in their cots once they were ready for bed & they'd moan a bit but I would just leave them to it.

DoMeDon · 28/12/2011 19:51

She is one - one year olds cry HTH

BroomForMyChin · 28/12/2011 19:52

No advice. Just sympathy. Sounds tough. Have a Brew.

Gigondas · 28/12/2011 19:53

You could wait a certain length of time ,go in settle her , then leave her for bit less time and resettle if required.

Yes 12m old do cry but I remember being at my wits end with dd(cracked it at14 ms and she is very good now).

Original poster
HappyGooYear · 28/12/2011 19:54

She used to self settle very well. But she knows what she wants and will work a bit harder to get it these days.

This isn't moaning, it's scream the house down crying.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/12/2011 19:54

I couldn't bear my daughter screaming - she used to virtually levitate with temper at my nerve if I ignored her. With my son, I used to potter about cleaning the bathroom, taking things up and down stairs and gave him a bit of a running commentary, "Just a minute, just taking the hoover downstairs" etc - the poor thing would go to sleep out of boredom, waiting for me to get to him.

Mind you, just remembered he gave himself a hernia (true) when he was a couple of months old and I dared to run to the shop and leave him with my sister.

skybluepearl · 28/12/2011 19:54

Can you put her in cot but hold her hand through the bars or put your hands on her chest. sing quietly to her a little.

debka · 28/12/2011 19:54

Is she tired? Is she clean and dry? Not hungry or ill? Then leave her. She'll get it in the end. I did that with both mine, no harm done.

MoTeaVate · 28/12/2011 19:56

I'd pick her up and cuddle/soothe her until she's fast asleep before putting her down. 1 year olds are hard work, but they do all grow out of it eventually.

Flubba · 28/12/2011 19:56

My opinion is that you comfort her. She is a baby and needs comforting. But once she's calm, put her back down and leave her for a bit (although I personally can't abide "controlled crying") and go back and comfort her again if she gets upset.

It's hard, but it's not going to go on forever.

Have you checked she's not in pain through teething or something?

Original poster
HappyGooYear · 28/12/2011 19:57

I've been in there and checked the nappy, given her water and patted.

I'm like the pit stop crew, just giving her a bit more fuel and encouragement for 5 minutes more screaming.

OP posts:
woahthere · 28/12/2011 19:57

try doing it with a view to her settling herself happily. First time go in after a minute then leave, then leave it 2 minutes, then 3 etc. Pick up and cuddle for 30 seconds if it makes you feel better and evrytime you put back do so confidently and making lovely night night baby noises. When you get to 6 minutes only leave for 6 minutes every time therafter. Eventually she will go to sleep. If hse wakes in the night do the same thing again. Tomorrow she may cry again, if she does do the same thing. I doubt it will carry on much longer after that. Its better that she doesnt work herself up really, she needs to feel secure to go to sleep, and she will if you are there reassuring. I really hope that works. It worked on all my 3 but I cannot give guarantees!

CadleCap · 28/12/2011 19:58

My DD (also nearly 1) had a phase of doing this. It's just a phase, it will change soon (hopefully)

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2011 20:00

Is she eating/feeding well? Any chance she's hungry? If not I would go in, lay her down (no eye contact) and put my hand gently on her. If she's really fighting it, let her stand up, then lay her down again. Just keep doing it without making eye contact and using your hand on her as a comforting weight, not pinning her down.

NinkyNonker · 28/12/2011 20:02

It will pass. Personally I would rather sit in a darkened room (and I have, for many an hour) than listen to my one year old cry for hours, it felt totally unnatural to me and still would do now at 16 months. One is still very little IMO, she needs and wants you.

KD0706 · 28/12/2011 20:03

You have my sympathies OP. DD is 20 months old and is mostly good at settling now (till the next regression...) but I remember very well the days of screaming child. With her it never worked to just go in and pat her etc as she would scream with rage at my audacity at not picking her up. I ended up cuddling her to sleep because I'm just not one for letting babies cry (but everybody is different, not saying my way is necessarily right).

If you post in the sleep section somebody there might have some ideas. I've seen lots if mention of the no cry sleep solution book if you are averse to leaving your LO to cry...

It will get better, everything is a phase (even the good bits!) but I know that doesn't help when you're in the middle of it.

AnotherMincepie · 28/12/2011 20:05

"she knows what she wants and will work a bit harder to get it these days"

She wants you to pick her up. That's what babies do, it's normal and she's not purposely "working to get it", it's her instinct that she wants reassurance from you.

duvetdayplease · 28/12/2011 20:05

I coudln't say if you should pick her up or not but I just wonder if listening to the screaming is perhaps harder work than just holding her til she goes back off? On the really crappy nights I used to just give up trying and take a dim light and a good book in. Teething seemed to go on forever round here!

I remember the bit between about 10 months and 18 moths was much harder than what went before, but it does pass (apart from now I am dealing with nightmares about it being too windy and knocking toys over). Hope you get some rest soon.

liveinazoo · 28/12/2011 20:07

bin there and done that.you have my upmost sympathy.i agree sitting by the cot and comforting without speech or eye contact and aim to move further away each night.its bloody hard and frustrating when what you really want is a bit of peace/adult time but look at it as a means to an end.in time you will get your evenings back and she will self settle.it is an impportant life skill abd shell get it in the end

NinkyNonker · 28/12/2011 20:09

Yep, MN etc on my phone was a lifesaver for long hours with dd. It really is tough, but far less so than listening to her scream imo. DD has, in the most part, now got to the point where she will sleep through more or less...touch wood. She still can't put herself to sleep (can in the middle of the night normally) though so you are doing well there!

TuttoRhino · 28/12/2011 20:12

She's probably teething or going through separation anxiety. My DD (now 2.5 years) was terrible for it at that age. I just stayed with her till she fell back asleep or brought her into our bed. Once the teeth came in she went back into her bed with no fuss. Much easier that way.

She needs comfort now and she's young enough that you can transition out of any habits once she's feeling herself again.

slowburner · 28/12/2011 20:13

I would keep on picking her up until she is calm, or I would stay in with her. I sympathise, we have had horrendous sleep troubles, the 12-14 month was particularly bad just before she walked. Like full on belly screaming, I walked away a few time but it made it worse. DH and I were like ships that passed in the night, ate dinners separately, the only option.

She still doesn't sleep through but now she just wakes and shouts. I don't do CC or CIO but each to their own, like the running commentary idea.

onetwoflea · 28/12/2011 20:13

All good advice said already - and also it will pass (and she will develop other 'phases' of testing behaviour as she grows!) All 3 of mine do / did this - we got through it in the end with different methods. If you want something else to try - Tracy Hogg's Baby Whisperer books have some good ideas that may work for you. Something about pick the baby up, shush him, put him down calmly - repeat until baby tires himself out...the book explains it better. At least it's a plan and gives you something concrete to do...

wherearemysocks · 28/12/2011 20:14

I'm not one for leaving them to cry either. I would go in with a book and dim light, or I-pod or smart phone and just sit next to cot holding hand or stroking head and make soothing noises as I read or whatever. Don't make eye contact or interact too much with her just let her know that she is not alone and is safe.

I hope it passes soon for you.

Original poster
HappyGooYear · 28/12/2011 20:15

She is number 2, so I know there isn't a right answer...

Thank you so much for the responses.

I think that is is harder to listen to it than to jig her about.

I am really questioning whether the 'controlled crying' in kinder because she will go to sleep much faster and be distressed for a lot less time if I don't pick her up, than if I comfort her, as she cries so much more intensely after the cuddle!

This is happening more and more in the night, I am more often watching the clock trying to stop myself going in at the first peep, as she gets so much more upset if she knows I'm nearby!

OP posts:
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