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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset when this boy put a toy gun to my DD's head ?

63 replies

recall · 28/12/2011 17:39

He is 8, he is my FIL's step grandson. My DD is 4, they come round for an hour or so once a week to see us. Today he turned up in a soldiers outfit and had a toy gun. I looked up to see him with my daughter in a pretend headlock with the gun pointing into her head. It made me jump and I said that I found it horrible. Everyone became embarrassed and awkward and they told him to put it in his
pocket.

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 28/12/2011 20:04

I find it quite annoying how boys end up with guns and parents encourage fighting role play. Yes I do think boys are often more physical in their play but there are many different ways to be physical (pusing a hippo out of a swamp, saving a pirate ship from a whale etc rather than pretending to put a bullet in someones brains).

Theres only one way a kids can play with a gun. Why couldn't they have given him a tube or something and at least he could have imagined the tube to be one of many things - and yes at some point for a short while he might have imagined tube to be a gun. More imaginative and less predictable by far though.

ILoveSanta · 28/12/2011 21:36

My four yr old loves playing with guns, water pistols, swords, anything like that. I remember my brother being the same when he was small too, and he turned out fine, normal and kindhearted with a very responsible job.
It's just what boys do I guess, although I do appreciate it may have been a shock for you to see it if you are not used to boys playing like that!

Cops and robbers, cowboys and indians etc are staple games of boys IMHO

geekette · 28/12/2011 21:45

If there is one piece of advice my mom once gave me that I have never ever forgotten, it was never point a gun at someone's head even if it is a toy.

The other one was always point a knife downwards when you are moving with it. I started cooking early and this particular one has saved a few eyes and stomachs.

YANBU.

we still had loads of fun with toy guns, just we managed not to get the pellets in our eyes :)

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 21:55

The other one was always point a knife downwards when you are moving with it. I started cooking early and this particular one has saved a few eyes and stomachs.

Dont move around with a knife full stop would probably be even better advice! Grin

As for toy guns, thats all they are.. toys. Nothing to do with computer games... kids have played with toy weapons long before computers were invented. Girls and boys.

crumpet · 28/12/2011 22:00

A brisk "we don't point guns at people's heads" would have been enough.

twinklingfairy · 28/12/2011 22:24

I would have been Xmas Angry about that too on both counts.
Firstly 'Do not put a 4 yr old girl into a head lock for heavens sake!' That is too small to be treated so roughly and it sounds like it was done suddenly, so not pleasantAngry
Secondly 'Do not point a gun at her head and think it is funny. It is not!'
I don't think I would have even had to think for more than a second before that would have been out of my mouth whom ever's child it was!

boys play with guns, it is normal
pshaw! Respect your fellow human, surely that is not to much to ask.
AFAIC there is no acceptability in this.

RubberDuck · 29/12/2011 08:40

"That is too small to be treated so roughly and it sounds like it was done suddenly" - adults shouldn't be treated so roughly either. Headlocks are dangerous - there's a reason most martial arts teach you how to get OUT of one very early on!

spiderpig8 · 29/12/2011 08:44

to be fair the op said it was a 'pretend headlock'

RubberDuck · 29/12/2011 08:47

Pretend or not, it's the sort of play that can go badly wrong :( I think the gun issue is almost a red herring in this.

Oblomov · 29/12/2011 08:57

I think this is a total over-reaction. My 2 ds's love guns, swords, anything. they use 2 fingers to make a gun, if no phyical gun available. all normal. I think denying any expression, as crabapple suggests, is more damaging.

Chocamochalatte · 29/12/2011 09:11

Well I don't think you have overreacted, if I caught either of my DS doing this I would have been really upset and they would have been in trouble for it... but then I have never let them have guns, pretend toy or pretend otherwise, however now at 11 they have been given Nerf guns which I was a bit Hmm they were told nevere to point or shoot at someones head... they played with them constantly for a couple of days and now aren't bothered by them...

Anyway, ydanbu

Backtobedlam · 29/12/2011 09:27

I think boys do enjoy playing with guns and it's not something you can stop (my ds makes a gun from Lego, sticks, tube etc). However, the toy guns he does have (others brought him not me) he is told never to point at people so if he'd done this I'd have been annoyed. I also don't think physically grabbing someone should ever be allowed unless both kids are in on the game. However, it sounds as if they reprimanded the boy and told him to put his gun away, so not sure what else you'd have liked them to do really.

jcscot · 29/12/2011 09:37

I would definitely have said something about the "headlock" - robust play should always be appropriate to the ages of the chikdren concerned. I'm not sure I would have said anything about the gun. Playing with a toy gun does not mean that a child will grow up to be violent. All the boys I knew played with toy guns/swords/bows and arrows and as far as I know none of them handle any sort of weapon as an adult.

You'd have hated Christmas at my house where wooden swords and shields, pop guns and a pirate set that included a wooden dagger were all under the tree for my two boys.

worldgonecrazy · 29/12/2011 09:56

We have real guns and teach that guns are not toys and that you NEVER point them at a person. I would be very unimpressed if anyone ever pointed a gun, toy or otherwise, at my DD, so YANBU.

MollyTheMole · 29/12/2011 10:01

yabu unless it was a real gun

Pliny · 29/12/2011 10:16

Jesus wept. GTA at aged 8, where you do drug runs for the boss, go stealing and carjacking and can go and pick up prostitutes in the red light area (to get your health points up Sad) and then get your money back by beating up or killing the prostitute - so in essence rape.

Ah but y'know boys will be boys...all little boys want to carjack and rape prostitutes don't they.

I am not surprised you're shocked OP and not an overreaction at all. What do they expect him to do when he's dressed up as a soldier and allowed to play violent sexist hateful video games. Even if 8 year old boys can play rough most would know you don't with a 4 year old.

They've got a lot to be embarrassed about. Feel sorry for that poor boy.

Original poster
recall · 30/12/2011 11:32

Thanks for your comments, I did reply on my i phone, but it hasn't worked.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 30/12/2011 11:40

Agree that it's the headlock that's out of order more than the playing with the gun.

Though a bit Hmm at the adult for letting the kid go round dressed up as a soldier and carrying the toy gun in the first place.

festi · 30/12/2011 11:49

actually regrdless of the gun and GTA, Im surprised an 8 yeal old would put a 4 year old in a head lock. seems extreme behaviour. MY DNs would know that was a horrible thing to do to another child much younger. But then they probably wouldnt be playing guns and dressing up at that age either seems to be a little imature for the age too in my experience of boys.

lurkinginthebackground · 30/12/2011 11:54

YANBU.
So many postser are up in arms about girls wearing pink ffs yet some fuckwit thinks it is ok to dress their child in a soldiers outfit, give him a gun, tell him to play gta and then don't seem to link the connection that he might think killing is acceptable.
I would have told him in no uncertain terms that in my house putting a gun to someones head and blowing their brains out is unacceptable full stop. Where is this 8 year old child supposed to get the guidance that what happens in war games is not how people should behave in society.

xyfactor · 30/12/2011 11:58

Looks like childsplay to me but it's not exactly PC these days is it?
Long gone are the days when we used to play cowboys and indians and British bulldog.

coccyx · 30/12/2011 12:02

He sounds awful. Would expect better behaviour from an 8 yr old towards a younger child.
Don't agree playing with guns is what " red blooded males" do. Needs some parenting.

WibblyBibble · 30/12/2011 12:05

Ugh, no yanbu. I hate the way boys are socialised to be so violent from so young. Obviously kids play rough-and-tumble games, which is fine, but toy guns are revolting (not water pistols, those are fun, though not at this time of year). I got really pissed off once when some older kids got a toy knife (god knows who bought it, it was in a ben10 set but clearly not intended for pretend violence games) at toddler group and were 'threatening' my toddler with it- she was upset by them and they should have known better, but obviously some parents just go 'haha boys eh' or somesuch rubbish. Obviously some kids are more sensitive than others but kids who like rough games should be taught very early on to be aware of this and to stop straight away if someone is not happy. It's attitudes that let stuff like this slip that lead to (some) men growing up to be horrible- even my 2yo knows to say sorry when she's hurt someone but some boys are taught by adults they should be able to trust that it's fine for them.

ChaoticAngel · 30/12/2011 12:05

I'd be more concerned about the headlock, tbh.

WibblyBibble · 30/12/2011 12:09

Also GTA is age rated 18. It's very violent. I have played it, no way would I even let my 10yo play it! Poor boy, being exposed to things his brain isn't able to process I think then acting out through play.