to want to know where my child is?

[watchoutforthatsnail]

Exdh text me told me christmas morning when he collected dd for a few hours that i needed to pack some extra things in her bag as he wasnt sure where he was going to be staying with her.

i did it, no problem, and when he collected her on boxing day to have her for 2 days, i handed th ebag over. I asked if he knew where they were staying and ( it was 3pm) he said he still wasnt sure.

Later that evening i text to ask if dd was ok and had had fun ( same texts he had sent on xmas day) and to ask where she was. There is a 1hr 20 min drive difference between the two places where she would be staying and also, because i was going to be driving to collect her i wanted to know. He basically refused to tell me, and eventually conceeded after me telling him he was being an arse.

I do no understand why?

Why could he not just say 'we are at ...' and then that woiuld be that, no problems.

he called late last night to tell me they now have different plans and are visiting people and i dont need to pick dd up, he will drop her off, i tell him thats fine, and as i dont need to drive, and because hes visiting his mum, if he wants dd for an exta 2 hours, then thats fine. Rather than saying thanks, he spits this at me ' well, you arent really giving me anything extra, that would have been your driving time anyway'..... which, while true, i didnt have to do that...

and then he proceeds to tell me what he plans to do with dd next year and that hes giving me a years notice onthis. The fact that it differs wildly to what we have done the last 4 years, and then fact that he will be living somewhere else in the country, with somewhere 12 hours away without a house to take dd too isnt an issues.

so - am i a cow, like he says?

am i really not allowed to know what county my daughter is in?

It does sound a bit controlling that you are ringing him up to check where he is and then saying that you will allow him to have her for extra 2 hours because he is seeing his mum. He is her dad after all and it is his time with her. Is there some back story here where you feel you can't trust him with her? How old is your dd?

i didnt ring him, i text. to see where they were sleeping, i didnt know becayse he didnt know.

and yes, he is her dad, and hes had a whole week with her pre christmas, up to xmas eve. 2.5 hrs xmas day and then from boxing day till 3pm today. it was pre agreed till 3pm today.... i have plans and thought i was being nice to postpone them to he can have her a little longer. He was with his mum ( and dd) on xmas day and most of boxing day, and that was the other place they might have stayed.

I am her mum too, and ive not had a whole day with her since the 17th dec.

Your post doesn't make much sense to me but yes it's not right he's telling you what is happening next Xmas

thats how i feel. he text several times on xmas day, after he had seen dd and i always replied. i always reply

if he phones when we are out ( he calls every other day) i get angry texts and i have to tell him where i am, or he just rings and rings, if i font answer the phone quick enough he gets cross. the other day he called and my brother had literalyl just arrived, dd was all excited, so i said to him that my brother had just arrived, dd wouldnt talk to him, but that i would get dd to call him back when he was gone, in about 10 mins time. he calls back in less than ten mins shouting at me that it had been 10 mins and i had lied and was stopping him talking to his child.

i wasnt, she was just leaping about on my brother and piggy backing round the kitchen table - not my fault and she wouldnt come to the phone ( shes 5)

i dont understand why he coldnt just text ' yes, shes fine and we are at ...' and that would be it, why make a big deal out of it?

You anbu at all to want to know where your daughter is, it would be controlling if you had rang constantly but imo a text message is perfectly reasonable, I also think he was an arse to be sarcastic when you offered him a couple of extra hours with your DD my DP's ex wouldn't dream of being that considerate

TBH he sounds controlling and that he likes to hold all the cards. Reading your post made me feel uneasy, him reluctant to tell you where he is is strange. I know he's her dad and has as much right to go out with her without telling you his every move (just as you do) Have you had any problems like this in the past? Has he always brought her back when he should?

both of you need to back off on knowing exactly what is happening when DD is with the other parent.

If he's considered a safe person to have unsupervised access then you have to trust him and he has to do the same to you.

You cannot control where he goes with her, sorry.

I think you both need to take a step back TBH.

Like changing says, unless he is a danger then (or yourself) then you both need to know and accept that your daughter comes first and you can't both keep tabs on each other.

We are looking at this from your angle of you wanting to know where your daughter is- but he seems to be exhibiting the same behaviour. Serious trust issues here.

im not trying to control what he does with her or anything like that at all, he has her for whole weeks and i dont know where/ what she is doing, but i do know where she is sleeping.
I like to know where my child is spending the night, so shoot me. Shes 5, shes still my child. Shes not even in the same town, let alone the same county and i just like to know if shes going to be sleeping somewhere other than that.

Yes, it is strange him not telling me where she is, esp when he brought it to my attention by asking me to pack things especially for that reason. And yes, he plays this stunt every so often.

I dont really see what i can do about it though, without it hurting dd as well, so it seems i have to just suck it up and let him be like that towards me.

no, hes just being an abusive arse. therre is a long history of that in our marriage. Physical and mental.

I trust him with dd, but i have to dont i. he does things with her im not happy about, like leaving her with people ive never met, but i dont get a say in this and i know that. but i just like to know where she is at night time.
and i cant see why he couldnt just tell me. other than that i never ask, because i know i cant say/ do anything abou tit anyway

he does things with her im not happy about, like leaving her with people ive never met, but i dont get a say in this and i know that. but i just like to know where she is at night time.

Does he vet all your friends?

I can understand, to a degree, where you are coming from BUT unless he's hanging round with the local skunk heads and leaving her to play with needles then, you hve to have the element of trust that says "ok, he's her father, he loves her and will keep her safe"

You could look at it from another angle, that your daughter will have adventures to tell you about when she gets home.

Incidentally. Even if he did say "Im staying at Petes tonight" would you know Pete? Would it make a difference? Do you interrogate as to who Pete is? What he does? where he lives? what the sleeping arrangements are? Whether there are other children on site? Because if you don't interrogate the same way he does, then 'Pete' actually means nothing to you. It's an extraneous piece of information

of course i dont vet his friends, and i dont interogate him either.

He brought it to my attention by asking me to pack other things, it would have ha direct bearing on me as to where i was going to have to drive to to collet her, either somewhere 15 mins away or 1 hr 20 away - quite a difference.

all i wanted to know was where she was, that was all. and i cant see why he couldnt just say, i didnt care either way, i just wanted to know.

and no, i dont like it, like i know she has been left overnight at people houses on her own, with people i dont know, so he can go out on the piss. quite why we wold want to do this when he only sees her every other weekend... and no, i dont know these people or where they live and had there of been an emergency thet did not have my details and i did not have theirs and i didnt find out until after this had happened. I wasnt and am still not happy about it. But i also know there is nothing i can do.

Watchoutforthatsnail... Do you have any kind of relationship with your ex-MIL? I'm thinking that if she's a fair-minded person, you could meet your ex there and explain to him that he texts, does x, y and z and you don't mind, you comply because it's helpful. When you ask for x and y he's refusing to be awkward.

I think in your position I'd have to say,k "Look, this is no longer about us at all, it's only about DD. If you want to make things very difficult in future, you're free to do that but it will have repercussions, ie. I will no longer bother to answer your texts and you will see DD only as agreed. We will arrange pick-up and drop-off points and that will be that. Now... is that what you really want?. I would rather be reasonable and we set down what we'll do between us now... but it's your call".

At which point your ex-MIL cuffs the thickwit around the head and all is well...

oh - i wouldnt do that at all, its not fair on her and she is not responsible for his behaviour.

i think he still thinks im his wife and have to do what he says, i bend plans to be flexiable with him, change things round to accomdate his work, cancel my holiday with dd so he can have more time with her ( leaving me with a ton of hoiday to take and no days with dd off school to take it with her) im flexiable towards him, he isnt back.

but i cant see how i can do as you have said without putting dd in the middle and i refuse to do that. If i was the same way back to him it would prove a point and maybe he would stop ( for a while) but dd would miss out a little... and thats not fair. he knows this, and knows i will always back down because of this.

you need to back off and trust him to parent your DD, if he's not able to do that safely then you need to take it to court for supervised access.

If it's all you being flexible, and it's not happening back, then you need to stop, you don't have to change things to accommodate him, you can say no, at the end of the day you have a choice to say yes or no.

And if you say yes and change all the time, you do that for the good of your DD or to be the better person, not because you expect it to be returned (in my case it never is, I suck it up, or say no if it doesn't suit me)

By saying you need to know where she's sleeping, you are controlling - sorry. yes, she's five, she's your child, but if he doesn't have supervised access then it's up to him where she sleeps. Step back and stop controlling, sorry - it is controlling, I understand why you want it, but it is controlling and if you were my ex it would get right on my tits and no way would I tell you where she was sleeping.

If you don't care either way, don't ask. If it makes no difference, don't ask.

If you're driving to collect her, then you organise a pick up place that suits you and make it fixed and permanent - always collect from the same place at the same time.

Seems to me like you could do with a more fixed access routine.

access can never be fixed due to his job.
so - it has to say flexiable, but he takes this piss with it, and if ido say no, which i do try to, then he guilts me by saying ' we have to ake advantage of being living to close to you ( over and hour away) because i might move soon and then dd will miss out. and its your fault)

a prime example of this being when we lived in germany and dd was 20 weeks old. I came back from a trip to england to show her off to family. upon my return i find hes moved out and wants a divorce. My have to pack up what i can into a car and go to the ul to live with my family while i find a house/job/new life.

he then calls a month later ( after a mont hof no contact) to say i had better go back to germany as he is off to afgan and he wants to see dd before he goes. So he expected me to drop everything in regards to trying to find a home for dd and i, to go back to germany for 2 weeks with him, at my own expense. which i di btw. When i get there, rather than spending any time with dd, he spends most of it on the piss, and sees her maybe an hour a day, leaving me standed in a half packed up house with no transport and several hundread piunds out of pocket.

and basically its continued like this ever since, to the point of him blaming his regiment closing and possible posting to scotland on me?!?!?!?!?!!?

i put dd first, he doesnt. and a fexed thing would be way better, but its never going to happen.

my ex like yours.he used to worry me to the edge taking our dd wherever he choose and ,at times they were places id prefer her not to have gone.but at the end of the day he is her dad nad i realised it was a good way of winding me up even though we were no longer together,which was his intention.when i stopped asking and fretted silently it stopped being a control isssue and i just made it clear id have his giblets anything happen to her he often did mundane stuff as the fun had been taken out of the exercise.whilst its not unreasonable to want to know where your child is in these circumstances id acknowledge x an arse and let him get on with it.he probably wouldnt do reasonable with you before hell freezes over

I know it's difficult. I would say he's trying to control you through your DD.

But you can say no.

It's hard, you'll feel like a bitch, but you can say no. At the end of the day, you can choose.

Do you have a court order for access?

You are not his wife, stop acting like it. Flexible is OK up to a point but the more you put yourself out the more he will expect. Draw a few reasonable boundries as stick to them. If he rings and you are out you do not need to tell him where you are and if he keeps ringing send him a text saying that you will turn your phone off until you get home, one you get home you will send him a text and he can ring after that. What is he going to do he can't reach down the phone to you.

Do not cancel holidays again unless there is a very good reason. I assume he gets sufficient notice of his postings to be able to plan things a bit in advance.

yes, i feel like a bitch if i say no, and he guilts me into saying he wants to spend time with dd while he can and how awful it will be for her when he goes on tour next. Putting dd first, i then put myself second and cancel my plans. I had a whole week booked off work in aug to spend with her, at this point he had already had her for 2.5 weeks. I pested me for more and i gave in, only having her for 2 of the 10 days i was meant to spend with her, so he cold have more time. I do it for her.

No court order for access, the divorce doc says every other weekend and some holidays ( where possible due to his job) agreed with me. But thats so vague, and because of his job it cant be more than that. but he uses that to bully me i feel.

he doesnt always get sufficient notice, no, which is another reason why i do actually need to know where she is. When he went to iraq he got 40 mins notice, for example. So, if that happened and i didnt know where she was???

and ive told him time and time again i am not his wife and no longer have to run around after him or be flexiable with him, but he doesnt get it. Ive told him i am flexiable and he isnt back, and again it falls of deaf ears.

ive told him we can either do this easy, or if he wants to be an arse to me, i can be an arse back and its dd that suffers and again he doesnt hear that.

i do not want dd to have to deal with that, so i give in. She is more important than i.

and i still dont really see how wanting to know where she is at night is controlling? i wasnt dictating, or telling him no, i just wanted to know. perhaps thats playing into his hands though and no reacting at all would be best.

The best advice I can give you is go to a solicitor and get it sorted properly with a proper documented court order.

And then stick to it.

My chant of "That's what it says in the court order" has finally (after nearly 3 years) got through to my ex - sometimes I might say yes to a change but only if it genuinely suits me and isn't going to put me out or make me feel resentful.

As they say on here, no is a complete sentence

but can i get a court order when is always so unknown?

nothing is fixed, or can be really. he frequently has to cancel his weekends, or ask to move them becuse of his job, and i have to accomadate that really, else dd hardly sees him.

Like for example - ne didnt say anything about the oct half term, so, to cover it, my mother took the week off work herself, and i took some days off. We planned what we wanted to do ( days out and things) two days before they broke up he called and said he could get time off and wanted to have dd for the whole holiday. I told him he needed to tell me these things in advance, i work and need to sort out childcare for holidays, and this also has to be agreed by my boss, or if family are taking time off to have dd they also have to have holiday approved.. it all has to happen in advance. he threw the most massive of strops saying he is her father and he comes first and in the end i backed down and let him have half the week, cancelling my own holiday. He said it was my fault as i should have asked if he cold have her. Never in the whole 13 years i have known him has he ever been able to take days off wotk that dont fall in the usual, scheduled time off they have.

you need to learn to say no sweetheart. The softer you are, the more you do, the more he will take advantage.

How do other people in the forces manage?

Honestly, go to a solicitor, get some advice, and put some proper court-ordered access in place.

Then he won't be able to dick you around.