to want to know where my child is?

[watchoutforthatsnail]

Exdh text me told me christmas morning when he collected dd for a few hours that i needed to pack some extra things in her bag as he wasnt sure where he was going to be staying with her.

i did it, no problem, and when he collected her on boxing day to have her for 2 days, i handed th ebag over. I asked if he knew where they were staying and ( it was 3pm) he said he still wasnt sure.

Later that evening i text to ask if dd was ok and had had fun ( same texts he had sent on xmas day) and to ask where she was. There is a 1hr 20 min drive difference between the two places where she would be staying and also, because i was going to be driving to collect her i wanted to know. He basically refused to tell me, and eventually conceeded after me telling him he was being an arse.

I do no understand why?

Why could he not just say 'we are at ...' and then that woiuld be that, no problems.

he called late last night to tell me they now have different plans and are visiting people and i dont need to pick dd up, he will drop her off, i tell him thats fine, and as i dont need to drive, and because hes visiting his mum, if he wants dd for an exta 2 hours, then thats fine. Rather than saying thanks, he spits this at me ' well, you arent really giving me anything extra, that would have been your driving time anyway'..... which, while true, i didnt have to do that...

and then he proceeds to tell me what he plans to do with dd next year and that hes giving me a years notice onthis. The fact that it differs wildly to what we have done the last 4 years, and then fact that he will be living somewhere else in the country, with somewhere 12 hours away without a house to take dd too isnt an issues.

so - am i a cow, like he says?

am i really not allowed to know what county my daughter is in?

Agree with Changing

I sense a new years resolution on the horizon? If you are not happy with the situation, being messed about, your DD being messed about, your mum being messed about etc then you and only you can change it.

Start ensuring everything is in writing, get some legal advice, just because he is in the forces does not give him carte blanche to f up your carefully planned and considerate arrangements.

It is evident you want to do what is best for your daughter, and that includes being flexible, but he is taking the piss, and being pretty unpleasant too. As for the orginal question YANBU for wanting to know where your child is. I'd ensure you document some of the occasions he has left her in unknown houses with strangers, that really doesn't look too good in a court.

He is taking the piss. I know this. He had her from the 18 till 24 th dec. I had her xmas day, bar a few hours when he had her. Then he collected her boxing day at 3. Originally I was meant to collect her on tge 27th at lunchtime, but he said that wasn't fair. I said I would drive to collect her so he had longer with her. But he still said that wasn't fair. So we agreed today, it was meant to be lunchtime but got moved to 3, and then its now 4:30/5.

Earlier in the week he tried to convince me I had said tge 29th and I got calked all the names under the sun, until he got home and checked his planner. Did he apolgise? Did he hell.

Please go to a solicitor and get proper court ordered access. He's pushing your buttons and controlling you through your daughter.

However, once you have the court ordered access in place, you have to stick to it. I document everything, all arrangements are confirmed by email - I don't deal with my ex verbally over access - everything is emailed even a minor change and I either bcc or fwd it to my solicitor.

And unless you go down the supervised access route, you will have to let him get on with it - its hard, he won't parent like you do, but that's the way it is when you split.

Please go to a solicitor and get proper court ordered access. He's pushing your buttons and controlling you through your daughter.

However, once you have the court ordered access in place, you have to stick to it. I document everything, all arrangements are confirmed by email - I don't deal with my ex verbally over access - everything is emailed even a minor change and I either bcc or fwd it to my solicitor.

And unless you go down the supervised access route, you will have to let him get on with it - its hard, he won't parent like you do, but that's the way it is when you split.

you could arrange that you need x amount of notice before school holidays and y amount for weekends and if he wants her after that, tough, arrangements are in p[lace and he needs to give you x amount of notice. (repeat ad infinitum)

Of course you should know where she is. What would happen if you were rushed into hospital or other emergencies? I agree with Changingnicknames.

Hurdy, I don't think you can do anything, its not your responsibity to do so. But maybe mention to your friend you felt slighty uncomftable wirh the girls mother not knowing she was there overnight, abd maybe try to get her contact details in case if an emergency?

Exotic - all the op is entitled to is contact details for the father iirc - if she was rushed into hospital then someone would have to contact him by mobile/landline - the OP does not have a right to know where her daughter is/where she is sleeping when with her father. Who legally has the right to care for and have access to his daughter unsupervised.

Watchout - I think he's pushing your buttons and using your daughter to keep control over you, but regardless of that you would be very unlikely to get a judge to agree to you knowing where your DD is sleeping/where they go unless there is some reason for supervised access.

Again, the best thing you can do is go to a solicitor and get a proper court order in place for access and once you have it, stick to it like shit to a blanket. No variations. Even if it seems it's hurting your DD or you're being a bitch or not flexible - what's best for your DD is consistency, what's best for your DD is a mother who isn't stressed and upset and resentful. In my experience having a rigid, set access pattern, especially if you are dealing with a controlling, emotionally abusive man.

Sorry - posted too soon -

"is the best thing for all concerned until the pattern is broken"

it sounds like you are doing your best to be flexible but its not working for you and ultimately I dont think it will work for your daughter

I dont like not knowing where my dd's are when they are with my knob of an ex but it is his time with them and as long as they are safe, well cared for and home with me at the right time I dont worry to much

I really think as others have suggested you need to get a proper organised access, if necessary through the courts.it will make life a lot easier for you because if it is in writing he can not argue with it, and also for your daughter, she will know when she will be seeing her father. It would be good if you could agree with your ex without the need for courts but it sounds unlikely that this will happen.

My judgement states clearly alternate weekends from 6pm friday until 6pm sunday and half the holidays first half one year 2nd half the following year its fair and easy to plan around

I wish you luck, sounds very much like your ex is bullying you to get what he wants and you are loosing out

it would be great to have something like that, but i dont see how it would work for us at all.

In that, the begining of the year he was away for 3 months, his return date got changed about 1001 times, then hes had weekend he has had to miss due to work committiments ( usually last min notice, sometimes not) and ive had to swap weekends or something to accomadate this. Should i not be doing that?

DD is never going to always know when shes going to see him next, thats just not the nature of his job, its not settled, wouild never have been if we had stayed together. So ive been trying to be flexiable as i can, but i think ive comprimised myself doing so, and hes taking advantage of the fact that he knows i will do whats best for dd.

He should be moving this year. by the summer at the latest.. hes not sure where yet, but he definatley will which in whichever case is going to drastically change how often he sees dd in any case.

I dont know if i should hold out until then? to see what happens?

end of the say i dont want dd to have a crappy relationship with her dad, so i try to accomadate it as much as possible, just with his job its always me comprimising, and i just find it really difficult now we are not married to balance that.

shes home now though.

Please go and see a solicitor and get proper access in place - courts will have dealt with parents who are serving in the forces before, I'm sure you'll be able to get something better organised.

And once a court order is in place, stick to it like glue.

a court order takes the pressure off you, it is still possible to be a bit flexible with dates if say your ex was working away, but not have constant changes and ex being an arse with you about it

it seems to me you are trying to accomadate him but its to your detriment you are the one having to change all the time and not being able to plan your time with your daughter, or having to cancel plans because of him

Its all very well you doing this but your time and your relationship with your dd is as important as his you need to be able to do fun stuff to, its hard for single parents we get all the hard work of having kids whilst absent parents get mostly fun, thats why it is important that you are able to arrange fun stuff

basicly you need notice a couple of months before he has her for the week . get this set throug a court order.

As a child of divorced parents, I'd say that knowing what was going on was paramount. It's fine to be flexible when there's a genuine case (work related for example or he's ill etc) but last minute because he's disorganised or hasn't thought it through isn't. You won't harm your DD doing this, she'll learn that it's okay to say no when it's not convenient and ultimately you also value your time with her when you've made arrangements.

Definitely investigate a more formal access via a solicitor. It doesn't need to be fixed on every other weekend (which probably won't work for you) but it is likely to be able to firm up notice needed and how much time he sees her when he is here.

Also, switch your phone off or stand your ground. Your DD doesn't need to speak to him when he clicks his fingers. Also, you need to stop texting him too when he has her. I would also arrange pick-up details when arranging the access and he's responsible for getting her there at the pre-arranged time. What he does between pick up and drop off, provided DD is safe, is up to him. Obviously it would be wonderful to know all the details but this doesn't appear to be working for you.

Ultimately, as she gets older, she'll have made her own arrangements at the weekend and holidays, and won't want to change them just because her Dad is back in town. Sad but probably true. It's far better to set the scene now about what is reasonable and what isn't, so it doesn't come as a big surprise with a teenager!!

OK, first of all it is a good thing he wants to see his DD. Secondly, a degree of flexibility from you is necessary because his job can mean that he is forced to change his plans at short notice.

However, that does not give him the right to badger you on the phone. Flexibility does not mean that you have to repeatedly give up planned holidays or extend his time because he keeps beating you with the stick of "when he is going on his next tour of duty etc". He is using the nature of his job to blackmail you to give him what he wants.

My view would be
If he asks to swap a weekend because of work and it doesn't cause you unreasonable hassle then that is acceptable.

If he finds at short notice that he can spend time with DD over the holidays and you don't have something booked that may be acceptable.

If he finds at short notice that he can spend time with DD over the holidays and you have already made arrangements then he will have to accept a compromise or sometimes nothing (e.g. if you have booked to go away and would lose the money if you changed it).

If he knows about his leave for some time but doesn't tell you until the last minute then tough on him he will have to take whatever compromise is offered or nothing.

If he keeps trying to stretch his time with DD demanding an extra 2hr, 24hrs etc then you are entitled to say no if it doesn't suit you.

I agree with the others, you need to put your foot down.

Swapping weekends if it's not an inconvenience is fine.

If you have booked time off work to see your dd in the hols then you need to spend it with her, she needs "fun" time with you not just drudge time.

Having a good relationship is not just her seeing him as much as possible, there is sykpe, phone calls etc.

I think you need to have some time with your dd set in stone that will not change to suit his whim, I do think perhaps he uses his job as an excuse to pull the stunt on you time and time again.

How does your daughter feel about it all? I can't imagine how it's going to continue to work like this when she is older and school becomes more important.

It does sounds like he is being abusive and using your daughter to exercise control over your life. I think you should write to him and tell him that your daughter needs more structure in her life now that she is at school, and you want to stick to the agreed arrangements from now on. You are entitled to know what you are doing, and not be forced to change your plans at the drop of a hat because he has decided he either wants to see his daughter or cannot see his daughter. He needs to take responsibility for planning his life around her too.

Work out a schedule for the coming year and be prepared to stick to it. Suggest mediation and be prepared to see a solicitor if he doesn't agree.

He is a controlling arse and he is playing you like a banjo.

Go to a solicitor and get access sorted. Then stick to it.

If he phones and is abusive to you, then hang up and do not answer the phone.

You could perhaps ask on the Forces topic for advice. There are bound to be ways to arrange visits to him without you being on call 24hrs a day.