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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start keeping a log of what time dh gets out of bed

75 replies

nativityneepsntinseltatties · 28/12/2011 09:35

Dh always sleeps in. It drives me nuts. I can not get him up in the morning. We have a lot of arguments about this. He isn't working just now so stays up late and gets up late. We have two young children and lots of things in the house that need sorting and it isn't getting done because he sleeps most mornings. I am thinking of writing it down in the hope that seeing how much of his life he is wasting in his bloody bed might shock him into some kind of action.

OP posts:
lechatnoir · 28/12/2011 10:01

Eta I would also try and agree that a lie in once or even twice a week is fine but it work both ways so he gets up with the children to give you a lie in too (and suggest you have a set day of the week for yours!!)

FalsaMagra · 28/12/2011 10:04

Hexa, you are so right. I think there is one parent that can be deemed the main responsibility bearer and one that acts as a "helper" (and relies on the other to pick up the pieces when s/he opts out of parental responsibilities).

My ex, would take a book on the plane, sleep, talk to other passengers while I was dealing on my own with a hyperactive toddler, and no matter the confined space, he couldn't see I needed help. Now thinking about it, it was a clear indication of what was to come... first the plane, second your job is not as important as mine, and finally... he doesn't even see his child... is he bovered?? no, not at all.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 28/12/2011 10:05

I might join a gym and start doing early morning work outs.

OP posts:
FalsaMagra · 28/12/2011 10:07

Join the gym if you want to but consider stop doing work for him, I would start by stopping cooking, he wakes up late, no breakfast, he misses lunch, tough.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 10:08

Falsa, that is exactly how it is isn't it? One parent is the main responsibility bearer and the other opting out at leisure. My DH is a bit like that but I always pull him up on it otherwise it would drive me mad.

lechatnoir · 28/12/2011 10:08

Perfect - 3 times a week sounds about right (& if he moans remind him you're still doing more mornings than him!!)

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 28/12/2011 10:10

He faffs about on the internet, watches tv, plays guitar. I drop Ds off at nursery, dh gets up with the baby when I leave for work.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 28/12/2011 10:12

Gym is a great idea nativity, be warned though when you return DCs will still be in pyjamas, potentially unfed and DH in bed. You will however have had a good workout, he will have had to at least rouse himself and you will be fit and toned which is helpful if you were in the market for a potential new mate.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/12/2011 10:34

I get up earlier than DH and do the morning school run even though I work the long hours rather than him. DH used to really struggle with getting up because he would stay up late (in fairness he used to work late shifts in the past and I think his body clock got set to a late night / late morning pattern). Now I have made a rule that on school days when the children are up everyone gets up. So at 7am I turn the light on in the kids room and in our bedroom (I have been up since 6.30 or earlier). As DS2 usually wakes before 7am, I send him in to check DH is awake (a bouncy 4yr old is far better than an alarm clock).

After a week or two of this DH had reset his sleep timing so he was going to bed an hour or two earlier simply because he was tired from the earlier starts. Now he usually gets up at a reasonable time.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 28/12/2011 10:49

You are so right rookie, anytime he does look after them it ends up being more work for me.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 10:54

Someone I know works full time as does her husband. They have 2 children. She had a week off work and spent the time with the children, and also totally cleaned through their house and did a big spring clean. Her DH then had a week off and he spent the whole day sitting at the computer, doing nothing. When she got home from work at 6pm each night the kids would still be in their nightclothes as the man said he was "on holiday" so didn't see why he should have to do anything.

Again, an example of a man choosing to opt out of his parenting duties!

FrankiDon182 · 28/12/2011 10:55

Grrr Angry same situation!
DH is off work although i'm expected to look after DS, tidy the house and toys (4 times already time!) baring in mind that im 6.5months pregnant and still get up with our son during the night (hes never got up once) He spent all night awake playing call of duty and is still playing now whilst me and DC play in my bedroom.
Iam not lazy and do not mind tidying up but, is maybe him making a bed or putting his own clothes away too much to ask for?
He does not have a stressful job that demands a break, he works 5 hours a day mon-fri, a very easy laid back job that he only got because of my contacts!!!
I'm very annoyed today grrrrrr

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 10:58

Why put up with it though FrankiDon? I would make it clear to him that he is expected to do his share whilst he's home, or else you will go off out with friends and leave him to look after your DS. Why should you be a skivvy whilst he does what he likes? Or just give him jobs to do and don't give him a get out clause "Right, if you could dress DS then whilst I make the beds, then once you've done that the dishwasher could do with going on and i've put some clothes on the bedroom floor that you need to put away"

dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2011 11:02

OP, then what time is he getting up? If he gets up when you leave for work?

I had the impression he was sleeping all morning.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 28/12/2011 11:08

Days I go to work he gets up at 8 when he is forced to because I am going out. Days when we are both home he stays in bed all morning.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2011 11:15

Ah. Then clearly the trick is to go out in the mornings when you're not working as well -- as much as it sucks that you have to do this, it's probably the only way to really get him on a proper schedule.

But you should each have one day a week to lie in.

How long has he been off work? Do you think he'll find something soon? Just wondering if this whole issue might resolve itself anyway in the near future...

oldmerryolesoul · 28/12/2011 11:20

Oh havn't you posted about him loads of times before ? He belittles your work and the evening course you do but wont find work hinmself ?

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 28/12/2011 11:54

Yeah I have Blush

I really do hope he gets something soon, would help a lot.

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 28/12/2011 11:55

OP, do you actually talk to him about any of this? If so, what does he say?

Rezolution · 28/12/2011 11:58

Sounds as if he's got depression. Xmas Hmm

ChaoticAngel · 28/12/2011 12:09

Sounds to me like he's a lazy, selfish arse Xmas Hmm

It's threads like this that remind my why I'm happier being single.

FalsaMagra · 28/12/2011 12:23

Ok... you are working, your are studying, you are taking care of the children. He doesn't work, he doesn't help much with the house and the children, and he is belittling your efforts?

Woman, if he is depressed insist on him going to the GP and sort himself up, if not... well I'm sorry to tell you this but... your life may be much easier as a single parent.

I'm sorry but if a man is going to behave with his partner as if she was a 1800 wife, he better go back to the same century, pull his weight and bring a good income home. He can't expect you to be a maid, a nanny, and the bread winner while he is just holidaying in the house.

kelpie6333 · 28/12/2011 12:34

This is my husband too and I am seething about it. We've been at my PIL's for the holidays (who are lovely) and I have been up every morning with the kids (DD1 2.5, DD2 3 months) whilst also being up in the night with DD2.

We had a row this morning because when DD1 woke up, I told him to deal with her (I was already feeding DD2 in bed) and he told me "not to nag and keep giving him orders" but I said he doesn't do these things naturally so I have to tell him what to do or they don't get done. He complained that I woke him up when I was already up, but the man sleeps for England and gets up at NOON.

He has a stressful job so I gave him a few lie-ins when we first arrived here but now he's just taking the piss and getting mad at me if I wake him! WTF?!?

Last night I decided not to 'nag' him so I asked him to put DD1 to bed "in his own time" (slightly sarcastic but positioning it that I was not 'telling him what to do"). DD1 usually goes to bed around 7.30/8pm but has been staying up later to join us for dinners. We finished dinner around 9pm. When it hit 10.30pm I hit the roof as DH was making no effort to put DD1 to bed (he was watching TV and on his computer) so I stormed out of the room with DD1 and DD2 in tow and we all went to bed whilst DH stayed up watching TV with the rest of the family. I was livid.

I have avoided him all day (can't stand to see him really) and we leave tomorrow.

Ug. I'm so frustrated I want to cry. Especially because he thinks I'M in the wrong.

Original poster
nativityneepsntinseltatties · 28/12/2011 13:14

Kelpie that sounds awful Sad

He's being really unfair on you, sorry you can relate.

We have talked about it and he admits it's a problem. I have asked him to see a dr but he won't, I think there could be depression too.

Things are only just hanging together as it is.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/12/2011 14:23

It's so much easier living alone (with the children) than living with a man like this.

Why don't you try it? You wouldn't be worse off financially (probably better off) and there wouldn't be that tension and general dislike of someone who is lazy, unproductive and selfish.

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