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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that the art of conversation involves sharing information, not just asking questions?

43 replies

littlemisssarcastic · 27/12/2011 22:45

Hi, How are you?
I'm fine, How are you?
What have you been up to today?
Did some shopping and had coffee with a friend, what have you been up to?
Oh, Where did you go shopping?
Town, What have you been up to today?
Did you buy anything nice?

And on and on and on.

Why do some people do this? Ignore your questions, but continue to issue a barrage of questions of their own? Then further question you on your answers?

Someone will say 'Did you go to town on Wednesday?' I reply 'No, I changed my mind'
'Why?'
'I just changed my mind, no reason'
'But there must be a reason..is it because the weather was bad/you didn't have enough money in the bank/X didn't want to go too'
'No, I just changed my mind'
'But you said you were definitely going to go on Wednesday.'
'Yes, then I changed my mind'
'Why's that then?'

Arggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh and breathe.....

OP posts:
LEttletownofBOFlehem · 27/12/2011 22:46

Why did you change your mind?

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 22:46

Sounds like the 3yr old who lives next door to me

I'm sure he's going to be a copper when he grows up Grin

PaintedToenails · 27/12/2011 22:47

So what did you buy?

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 27/12/2011 22:49

LEttletownofBOFlehem I don't actually know, I just didn't feel like it when the day came. Grin

Worra In my case, the person who does this is 61!! Has always been this way too and is like it with everyone, not just me. I am not exaggerating when I say every single sentence is a question, every single one.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 27/12/2011 22:49

What's worse is when someone asks too many question but doesn't bloody listen when you give them the answer.

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 27/12/2011 22:50

PaintedToenails Nothing, I didn't go...might go tomorrow now. Grin

OP posts:
wonkylegs · 27/12/2011 22:50

It sounds rather like a conversation I had with my 3yo earlier today!

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 27/12/2011 22:53

slavetofilofax What's the point of a barrage of questions if they don't actually listen to the answer?

wonky I wonder if it something that 3 years olds do, and where most grow out of it, some people never do, hence how they get to 61 and still do it??

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 27/12/2011 22:55

I have a friend online whom shares information, ignores my responses and the only way our chats continue is if i ask questions about information he has shared. I have pointed this out and he said, "Yeah, i read what you write".It is rude but slowly he is getting slightly better.

threestepsforward · 27/12/2011 23:00

Isn't that indicative of shyness / lack of self-confidence? I'm sure it's a tool crap magazines suggest to combat social anxiety or shyness... Could that be the case? If yes, cut them a little festive slack!

tethersend · 27/12/2011 23:00

Some people really don't understand the rules of a conversation, and find maintaining one excruciatingly difficult; mirroring questions back at the other person can be a coping strategy or they are just copying what you do, and therefore 'following the rules'.

Having taught teenagers with ASD conversational skills, it really is a minefield of unwritten rules and conventions- we just don't see it because we understand them.

Have you tried not asking him questions and letting the conversation fall flat to see what he does?

tethersend · 27/12/2011 23:01

x post, three

threestepsforward · 27/12/2011 23:04

Smile x-posts tethers!

I have to admit too that I get shy in conversations and my default setting when I'm feeling shy is to ask the other person questions to deflect the attention away from me. In my defence though, I do listen to the answers and any further questions will stem from them...

staylucky · 27/12/2011 23:05

See but where are these 'rules of conversation' written down?? I tend to ask a lot of questions, intentionally because am a bit crap at conversation and usually end up talking about myself too much otherwise.....um like I just did there Blush

tethersend · 27/12/2011 23:08

That's just it, stay- the rules are not written anywhere. Even if they were, they would make no sense as each rule would contradict the last. They are rules you follow by responding to each individual participant in a conversation; that is to say that the rules of one conversation are different to the rules of another.

No wonder not everyone understands them!

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/12/2011 23:11

Another vote for shyness: I find it really hard to offer any information about myself and fear it will be very boring if I do. And yes, all the self-help books say people love to talk about themselves and will be thrilled if you ask them questions.

Hassledge · 27/12/2011 23:12

staylucky - I'm exactly the same. I ask questions to stop myself from bringing the conversation back round to myself, which is something my SIL does constantly and really winds me up. All conversations with her ultimately lead to being all about her. I live in fear of becoming like this.

threestepsforward · 27/12/2011 23:12

It's a social minefield.

My bugbear is kissing. The amount of people (father in law) I've ended up kissing on the lips when they were expecting i) no kiss ii) one kiss ii) a kiss on each cheek iii) an uber-continental 3 kisses... sends me into a cold sweat.

There should be a rule that we can only shake hands or hug.

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 27/12/2011 23:12

threesteps That is a possibility, this person has the memory of an elephant and just absorbs and absorbs all of the information you give, regurgitating it at a later date when they deem it necessary, but probably does suffer low self confidence. Also loves to know absolutely everything that is going on in my life, and feels very excluded if they walk into a room and the conversation has naturally ended, and makes a point of being sarcastic saying 'You can carry on talking about me, don't mind me.' Usually followed by a false sort of laugh. Sad

tethersend If I don't ask any questions first, they ask me questions..and on and on it goes.
I once spent 40 minutes trying to comfort this person when they believed that the reason Charlie not his real name didn't talk much was probably not because they didn't like this person, but more likely because they weren't the sort of person who liked being asked questions, because it probably made them feel uncomfortable..to which they replied 'Why, have they said something to you? (No) I don't ask questions really apart from 'how are you?' Hmm

Charlie walked in and this person straight away said 'hi Charlie, Did you have a nice night out last night? Where did you go? Who was there? Did you spend much money? Did you drink much?

I just sat there not quite able to believe what I was hearing. Shock

OP posts:
tethersend · 27/12/2011 23:19

littlemiss, I hate internet diagnoses, so apologies- but it really does sound as if this person has difficulties socially; this paired with the 'memory of an elephant' may suggest ASD traits.

Do you just answer his questions or do you ask him questions back?

threestepsforward · 27/12/2011 23:20

That does sound hard to be fair littlemiss. I guess either way - too many questions, or too few - is hard work on the other party to the conversation...

I'm hoping that I'm aware enough not to conduct a quick-fire round at anyone I'm talking to! I know the few times endless questions have been fired at me it's not fun at all.

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 27/12/2011 23:21

There's nothing wrong with a conversation imo where people exchange information, so for example :

How are you?
I'm fine How are you?
I'm fine What have you been up to today?
Nothing much, did a little gardening, and relaxed mostly What have you been up to today?
Paid my brother a visit, and took his DC's to the park, weather was lovely
Yes it was lovely today, I think I'll pay my grandchildren a visit tomorrow if they're not busy.

Nothing at all wrong with that imo.

OTOH

Hi, How are you? What have you been up to? Did you go shopping? How much did you spend? What did you buy?
Constant questioning like this, while ignoring any questions directed at you is not so good, not when it's a barrage of questions imo.

OP posts:
gremlindolphin · 27/12/2011 23:22

Sounds like my inlaws!

They "top" every story, conversation etc and it drives me mad!

We were having a conversation about their latest university reunion and we expressed interest in everyone they talked about even thou' had never heard of them etc.

After this I then started talking about a friend of ours who was killed in very unfortunate circumstances earlier this year and had barely got the first sentence out to be cut with " well of course that happens all the time to people in that profession, when I worked in Nigeria blah blah blah"

I don't think IBU to scream "no it doesn't happen all the time and certainly not to my friends!" and finish my story - maddening.

tethersend · 27/12/2011 23:23

Have you ever mentioned this to him?

How do you think he would react if you showed him your example above?

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 27/12/2011 23:24

tethersend I always follow up my replies with a question back, which is often just ignored, and then another question is fired at me. It's like the blooming spanish inquisition. Grin

threesteps It's the ignorance of my questions really, so if someone asks a questions and it is ignored, that's not an exchange of information, that's a grilling Sad .

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