to think that the art of conversation involves sharing information, not just asking questions?

[littlemisssarcastic]

Hi, How are you?
I'm fine, How are you?
What have you been up to today?
Did some shopping and had coffee with a friend, what have you been up to?
Oh, Where did you go shopping?
Town, What have you been up to today?
Did you buy anything nice?

And on and on and on.

Why do some people do this? Ignore your questions, but continue to issue a barrage of questions of their own? Then further question you on your answers?

Someone will say 'Did you go to town on Wednesday?' I reply 'No, I changed my mind'
'Why?'
'I just changed my mind, no reason'
'But there must be a reason..is it because the weather was bad/you didn't have enough money in the bank/X didn't want to go too'
'No, I just changed my mind'
'But you said you were definitely going to go on Wednesday.'
'Yes, then I changed my mind'
'Why's that then?'

Arggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh and breathe.....

I can only speak for myself, and I'll always answer a question...and if I'm feeling shy, I'll quickly follow with another question ... so if they don't even do that then that is awkward. Tethers obviously knows her stuff with regards to ASD etc., and it does sound like that could be the case? It sounds like they're almost reading a list of questions without listening to replies.

I sympathise actually as I can find conversations excrutiating sometimes, from the other side of the fence as it were!

I'm actually worse on the phone. I'd far sooner have a difficult face-to-face conversation than one on the phone...

tethers I have only mentioned it in as much as we had the conversation involving Charlie once. They are a very sensitive person, very much a drama llama, and if they feels criticized (sp) they will bring it up for years on end. I once had a fierce argument with them and said they were being bloody paranoid which they often are tbf
For years after (at least 8 years) if they told me about anything that had happened to them that was directed at them, they would end the story with 'But that's probably me just being paranoid like you said I am.' said in a sarcastic sneery tone.
I'm not sure I could go through years of that again.

They honestly seem completely oblivious to their constant questioning, and are paranoid about what other people may or may not have said about them.

Another thing is they'll pass comment about someone, and say something like 'I saw X in a mobile phone shop the other day. What do you think they were doing in there?'
I'll say 'Maybe they were looking for a new phone?'
Reply 'Why do you say that? Have they said something to you? Did they say they were getting a new phone?'
'No, it's just a suggestion.'
'Well you must know something or you wouldn't have said'

It becomes hard work tbh. the constant questioning...who have my neighbours got round, is that their car on the road outside, and on and on............

threesteps You sound like a good conversationalist, and it sounds like you put alot of thought into a conversation.

Bad conversation skills is a bugbear of mine. I don't like the constant questioning thing, but I dislike it when people talk non stop about themselves not letting anyone else get a word in edgeways more than I dislike the questioning. There has to be a balance for a conversation to work IMO.

I went for lunch with DH and the DC today and we were sat at a table next to two women in their late twenties/early thirties, both with their toddlers. Woman A was a know-it-all, passive aggressive type, and woman B seemed more genuine (they were talking very loudly BTW, there was no way to NOT hear what they were saying). Woman B was telling a story about her husband putting their new TV up on the wall and just started saying "James put the TV up on the wall today, now he's not good at electrics but..." and woman A cut in "Oh Jonathan's not good at electrics but he's good at plumbing" and woman B tried to carry on her story and just kept getting cut in by Woman A talking about herself. Woman A wasn't taking any notice of what her friend was saying. I couldn't be friends with someone like Woman A, I find it infuriating and would feel I got nothing from the conversations we had if they were all like that!

Hex Must have been horrid for woman B. I wonder why she wants to be friends with someone who so clearly isn't interested in her. How frustrating!!

littlemiss, the more I read of your predicament, the more I'd be tempted to say I'd lost the power of speech

I think we're talking about two very different scenarios, and good on you for posting actually, as it means you give a shit about it, which many people wouldn't.

I think it sounds like a case of very obviously having to direct the conversation in your situation. (Is that what Tether meant by asking a question back and insisting on an answer?).

Who knows, you sound lovely anyway

(and yes I do put a lot of thought into conversation as I'm plagued by the shyness gene, meaning that conversations can sometimes be scary and require some pre-planning, really!)

I know littlemiss, I felt frustrated on her behalf and wanted to tell Woman A to be quiet and listen to her friend.

Thanks three.

You sound lovely too.

I am at a complete loss as to how to handle these types of conversations and am probably making things much worse now by giving less and less information away, since it always leads to more questions. OTOH, if they want information and aren't getting it, because I feel bombarded with a constant stream of questions, they will probably ask more I suppose.

I'm not sure how to deal with this when the person in question is so paranoid and sensitive too, doesn't deal with criticism at all, and has low self esteem and low confidence too. It feels impossible.

Hex I am wondering what Woman A would have said to you if you had asked her to be quiet and listen to her friend.

Annual performance

Sorry! That was cut and posted from my work!

Ignore that - my advice would be to persist with the questions to them and see if you can get a flow going.

I can see it's very hard though, and on that night this conversationalist is on to bed

You could always try the failsafe

An-y-way. Even if it doesn't fit, nor do the questions

My mother "converses" like this. It is incredibly hard work to carry a conversation on your own for any length of time - particularly if there is never any response to your answers so you are effectively carrying on a monologue. I think the shyness/social awkwardness is the problem for her, though I also think that as a grown adult you should make some effort to "pre-prepare" something you can talk about.

I think what the advice on shyness/social anxiety doesn't say is that you shouldn't just ask the questions but also pay attention to the answers. Do a lot of "oh wow, that's great" and so on.

I also think some of you are being horribly harsh. I used to be really shy and yes, it is a pain in the arse to make conversation with a shy person sometimes, but we're all just trying to get by, and if you can't have a conversation with the person, just don't.

I might as well give up now then. I'm utterly shit at small talk, embarrassingly so. I was advised to ask questions. Once the school run starts again I'm just going to wear my iPod, might as well be seen as v rude rather than a bit stupid/boring/whatever.

Gwendoline There's nothing wrong with asking questions, honestly, it's a good way of opening up a conversation.

However, if you said to someone 'Hello, How are you this morning?' and they replied 'Hello, Where are you going?', to which you replied 'Just taking the DC's to school, fancy a coffee when I've done the drop off?' and your friend replied 'Oh, How old are the DC?'

Would you not start to wonder why your friend was ignoring your questions if the conversation went exactly as I just described? Why didn't your friend reply with 'I'm fine, coffee would be lovely/don't have time for coffee today.'

You see, if you were speaking to someone, and instead of replying to you, they just asked another question and another question, would you not feel like they weren't actually listening to you at all??

I am just imagining what it must be like for 2 people who converse in questions to have a conversation.

Hi, How are you?
Hi, How are you?
What are you up to?
Where are you going?
Why is the bus taking so long today?
Who told you about the newsletter asking for help?
What newsletter?
Where do we have to go to sign up for help?
Who is in charge of fundraising this year?

and on and on

Can you see that by not answering any questions, the conversation doesn't flow, or is that just me?