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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell son what to spend his money on?

41 replies

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 11:59

I've just had to kick myself up the butt and feel bad a tadge controlling My DS has got a few hundred pounds for Christmas, I've been worried that he'll fritter it away when he could get a main gift like a flat screen that would still be there for years.

He's just called to ask if he can spend £35 on a pair of new shoes and I feel like the crappiest parent alive. It's his money, his gifts and he's a teen. So I've changed my attitude to he must do what he wants with it but to take my comments as advice only.

Do you advise your teens how to spend their Christmas dosh or let them do what they want with it even if you think it is a waste?

OP posts:
RustyBear · 27/12/2011 12:03

In a few years he may be a student and having to work out how to budget. Letting him spend his gift money as he wants is a reasonably painless way of teaching him that even what seems a large amount of money doesn't last forever and if he spends it unwisely he can't get it back.

troisgarcons · 27/12/2011 12:05

My son wanted money so he could hit the sales. But he is very good at budgetting, he's controlled his own money since he started secondary school

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 12:08

You say he's a teen, but how old is he?

ComposHat · 27/12/2011 12:09

Perhaps he doesn't want a flat screen TV and would rather have a number of smaller things?

Does he tell you what to do with your birthday/Christmas money? I guess not, so don't let him get on with spending his money!

lubeybaublely · 27/12/2011 12:10

Yep, yabu to do that I'm afriad - tell him I mean

Seeing as you have backpedalled to making it advice only, then yanbu

If he wants to fritter, that's his choice, his money and he will have a great time doing so, it's not completely pointless

My DD is 15 and has £350 from a combination of xmas and a great-grandparent leaving her some money in their will.

I have left it totally up to her - she is weighing up the options between going to a west end show to see her fave singer in a one off (including VIP tickets, travel and accomodation), and frittering instead. She's leaning towards the show at the moment

In previous years she has done a combination of frittering some years and getting decent stuff at other times (nice camera, games console)

Original poster
sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 12:15

He's 14 Worra and has ASD, He'll be gutted when it's gone but it will be a good lesson too that when its gone its gone. He's just called to say he's bought the shoes and delighted with them.

He is a really impulsive buyer he's nearly spent it all on a gadget (I stopped that) the next day he was glad I did as he'd changed his mind and he would have been gutted totally, I knew that one was a bad choice. When I can see he's not throwing it away I'll lighten up and if that is on a lot of smaller stuff then fine. I'll have to let him make some mistakes, just not £300 ones as nearly happened.

OP posts:
TeWihara · 27/12/2011 12:15

Yes YABU - £35 sounds pretty reasonable for shoes to me anyway, and if he is a teen he won't grow out of them, so not sure why it is any worse than a tv.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 12:17

Does his ASD affect his spending/buying in any way?

As he's only 14, I think I'd advise him to spend about £100 on whatever he wants and then really think hard about what he wants to spend the rest on.

OnSantasLap · 27/12/2011 12:19

My son had £200 for Christmas last year (from grandparents and various aunts etc), we paid it into his back account to keep it safe and then kind of forgot about it as he kept talking about saving it for a new xbox.

Then in March I spotted a bank statement in his room which showed he had blown the whole lot on sweets/macdonalds/bowling etc.

This year we are allowing him to keep back 30 for 'frittering' but will making sure he spends the rest on proper things like clothes, DVDs, books etc.

Original poster
sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 12:20

He is completely impulsive Worra. One day he has to have a flat screen, the next it's another gadget that he has to have as he NEEDS it. You know the way they really NEED it then realises he doesn't want it any more and is glad he hasn't bought it.

Fortunately this also means that he has obsessive interests so some stuff he buys is a safe bet as it will be used and used. It's has it's pluses and downs to spending money with his ASD.

OP posts:
Original poster
sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 12:21

How old is your lad Santa, it would be the deception that would upset me more than him spending his money....

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 12:25

I see

I have to admit though, the impulse buying sounds like any other 14yr old with a couple of hundred quid burning a hole in their pocket Xmas Grin

I've got 3 boys and my 20yr old and 12yr old are definitely like this...my 9yr old is the hoarder who wouldn't spend his money on a fire extinguisher to put a fire out if the family home was burning Xmas Grin

Original poster
sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 12:30

I think I could do with rubbing my lad against your 9 year old to see if any of it will wear off on him. He's home with his new shoes and asking me if he can get the next £80 present with my money so he can keep his.

Like nice try and no chance! Xmas Grin

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 12:34

Ahhh the good old Bank of Mum Xmas Grin

whackamole · 27/12/2011 12:38

I don't think you're unreasonable to suggest some better options! My DSS gets pocket money from his grandad, and always always wants to spend it all in the first shop he comes to - normally a sweet shop. If it's 50p, that's fine, but £5 I gently remind him that with that he could buy lego or even put it towards a game for the Xbox or something.

Burns a hole in the pocket though!

LordOfTheFlies · 27/12/2011 12:47

DS 12 yo is positively Ebaneezer (Scrooge) with his money-always has been,even before he got pocket money. If I spent £20 on DD and said he could have the same amount, he spent ages weighing up the options. When I gave him the money to hand to the cashier ( so he could see it was real money, he handed it over like drawing teeth).

A couple of of months back I was counting his money jar (he was on his computer and had asked me to). He then says, "Oh there's money in my wallet" -there was over £50 and it was money my family had given him in August .I know because it was Scottish notes. He had about £140 in all ! Shock just lounging about!

It's in his account now.
He doesn't get his saver tendencies from me Blush

Original poster
sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 12:58

I think your 12yo is going to be the next Richard Branson! Grin

OP posts:
stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 27/12/2011 19:22

Surely it should be saved and not spent! Tbh I'm shocked at a teen of that age being given that kind of cash to splash on crap in the shops. Have either of you even considered donating some to charity?

OnSantasLap · 27/12/2011 20:09

He was 12 sitandnatter Smile

mrsjay · 27/12/2011 20:15

would you spend that amount of money on a pair of shoes ? i think maybe he should make a list of what he would like to buy with his money does he have a tv already ? he might not be fussed , what about suggesting he spend half his money and put the rest in the bank , what with his ASD that might make him feel he is in a bit of control of his money , But i think i would allow him an impulse buy even teens with asd need to learn as much as they can about spending imo , I hope you work it out he may resent you for spending the money for him ,

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 20:23

Surely it should be saved and not spent! Tbh I'm shocked at a teen of that age being given that kind of cash to splash on crap in the shops. Have either of you even considered donating some to charity?

What a strange suggestion.

Have you given any of your Christmas presents to charity? Confused

flamegirl77 · 27/12/2011 20:25

TVs don't last that long any more.

lljkk · 27/12/2011 20:26

I don't know much about ASD, does it impede with his ability to learn from mistakes?

My gut feeling was (any teen who didn't know what he wanted to buy right away?) was that ideally I'd sit down with them & get them to draw up a list of the stuff they'd like (brainstorm a bit) & how much each item cost, then ask them which combination of items they think they'd most like. Then hand the list to them & say "That's one way to decide", and leave it with them how they actually decide.

BUT maybe you need to take a more active role due to his ASD, also whether it's a lot of money not likely to come his way again soon or in the long run.

mrsjay · 27/12/2011 20:28

lots of giving presents to charity on Mns today i dont get it , does it make people feel better ? or maybe some point scoring i dont understand ,

lljkk · 27/12/2011 20:30

See you could use it as an opportunity to help him get learn to manage his impulsivity, though I'm not totally sure how. Perhaps if he made a list every day of what he thought he wanted to buy but he couldn't buy anything on it until at least 3 days later. Then he'd see if he still actually wanted it (3 days later, I mean). He could live by that rule when it came to purchases of over £10, perhaps.

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