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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell son what to spend his money on?

41 replies

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 11:59

I've just had to kick myself up the butt and feel bad a tadge controlling My DS has got a few hundred pounds for Christmas, I've been worried that he'll fritter it away when he could get a main gift like a flat screen that would still be there for years.

He's just called to ask if he can spend £35 on a pair of new shoes and I feel like the crappiest parent alive. It's his money, his gifts and he's a teen. So I've changed my attitude to he must do what he wants with it but to take my comments as advice only.

Do you advise your teens how to spend their Christmas dosh or let them do what they want with it even if you think it is a waste?

OP posts:

thefroggy · 27/12/2011 20:31

My ds used to be just like his father, money burnt a hole in his pocket...if he had it, he had to spend it. I didn't stop him but I did sit him down and try to explain that if he spent it all on rubbish then when he saw something he really wanted he wouldn't be able to have it. It did sink in in the end. He saved enough for a ps3 he wanted badly which I had refused to buy and that seemed to do the trick.

zipzap · 27/12/2011 20:41

I'd do a couple of things:

Get him a little cash book or even just print out a simple cash sheet on the computer to make him track every penny in and every penny out

Seeing as he has already had one experience of really wanting something and then being glad he didn't get it, see if you can get him to build on this. If he wants to buy something other than stuff you've agreed (say £5/week on sweets or little treats, all of which still need to be budgeted for) then get him to log it in a notebook or take a pic of it on his phone - 1 pic of item and 1 pic of price ticket) then come home and think about it.

If he still wants it the next weekend, then he can go and get it, but only after he's price checked it on amazon/google/appropriate store or price checker. If it is cheaper online then you order it for him and he will give you the cash, if it's the same price he can go and buy it. And if it is more expensive this week then you will make up the difference.

If he is doing this then get him to set up a couple of further lists, one of everything he would have impulse bought but didn't and the prices so he can see how much he hasn't wasted. And another for the things he has bought, the original price he saw it at and the cheapest price he got it at (assuming he just has bought from reputable places online rather than the absolute cheapest) - and so he can see the savings he has made.

Hopefully this will get him hooked on budgeting and help cure him of his impulse buying if he can see the savings mount up. And that would be a really good habit for him to get into - £350 would be relatively well spent if he learnt how to control his money!

PigletJohn · 27/12/2011 20:47

zipzap, I have a feeling that some people are just not like that

littlemisssarcastic · 27/12/2011 22:29

I let DS spend his money on whatever he wants to spend it on, and have done since he was 7/8.

humblehippo · 27/12/2011 23:01

I think shoes are a sensible thing for him to be spending his money on so I wouldn't have any objections to that, especially as the price seems v reasonable. Sometimes it's nicer to buy lots of smaller things than spend all in one go on a larger item. My view is it's his money to spend as he likes, but suggestions or advice from you about saving it for something special that will last are fair enough as long as you are not too pushy about it.

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 28/12/2011 00:47

Worra- yes, I often donate unwanted gifts to charity shops and if given cash spend it in charity shops. At that age I saved all my Christmas money. Thought this was normal?

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 00:50

Buying yourself something in a charity shop and donating some of your money you were given as a present are two different things.

If you had suggested he browse the charity shops to buy himself something that would have sounded different to him taking some of the money he was given as a gift and giving it to charity.

blondechristmas · 28/12/2011 01:01

Shoes?! Kids today.....

iscream · 28/12/2011 07:05

We always let them do whatever they liked with their money.

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 28/12/2011 10:23

Worra- I've never been given such a huge sum of cash, so what I'd do is hypothetical, but I do think children should be taught to be charitable when they have well in excess of their needs.

zipzap · 28/12/2011 12:43

Pigletjohn - I know. Lots of people are not like that, I'm not much - I don't do the cashbook thing but I do tend to price check and I do try to wait a bit for big purchases - even if only getting them to hold something for a couple of hours while I have a coffee or look in another shop. However I do know how to keep track of stuff and budget as my parents made me do it when I got to about 10 a d even if you don't do it perfectly theres no harm in trying surely?

However, the op did say that her son was glad he hadn't bought something the next day. And that he could be very impulsive at buying things. She also mentions that he has ASD which has its pros and cons when it comes to money.

Would have thought that there's no harm in sitting down one day and showing him some ways of budgeting, keeping track of his money and how to shop to get the best price possible when you have decided to go for something and to see how much you have saved to spend on other stuff. At worst he'll have a boring hour. At best he'll take it to heart and get some worthwhile skills that will stand him in good stead in years to come.

It might also help the op feel a bit more comfortable about letting him loose to spend it knowing that he has impulse issues but without feeling like a horrible controlling mum as she was feeling in her op.

cricketballs · 28/12/2011 13:56

op; its not just boys with ASD that have these issues (be thankful its just a pair of shoes!)

My 17 year old who also received cash for Christmas was reminded that he was going to London on a trip with college in February and he should save for this trip as although we had paid for the trip we couldn't afford the amount of spending money he would want went out yesterday and brought himself an Xbox...leaving him only £30 for London!

This time I am going to stand firm and not supply any further cash although I will more than likely crumble as it gets closer

DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 28/12/2011 14:40

Donating unwanted gifts to the charity shop cant be compared to making a teen give their Christmas £ to charity . I doubt the £ is unwanted for a start!! DS ended up with loads of £ for Christmas and birthday when he was 7 (about £80 so totally obscene for his age). He blew half on tat and bought an oxfam goat with the rest (blatant preeny self boast there ) but I would never had made him do it. I think that would have had quite the opposite effect and discouraged him from ever doing anything like that again.

valiumredhead · 28/12/2011 14:44

With ds who is 10 - I let him blow half on whatever he likes and I keep my cat'sbum face to myself and he saves the rest for days out during the year or other things that crop up. works well for us.

niceguy2 · 28/12/2011 14:49

OP, i think you've done the right thing. I think when our kids are young we need to teach them the basics and set their moral compass. When our kids are teenagers it's time for them to apply what we've taught them. Our job is then more about giving them some space to learn to stand on their own two feet and to pick up the pieces when they inevitably make mistakes. Unless we do this though, they'll exit their teenage years still tied to the proverbial apron strings and unable to make any sensible choices without running back to you.

I gave my DD a clothing allowance when she was 12. She's managed her own money since. At first she just blew it all the day she got it but now she's got used to the idea that she needs to pace herself and if she wants something nicer, she can't then get something else too. It's also given her a sense of independance and luckily so far I've never had to scream "You are NOT going out wearing THAT!!!". She's said it several times to me though!

prettyfly1 · 28/12/2011 14:53

At the ripe old age of 29 I still remember my mum hitting the roof when I was about 14/15 after letting me go into town with the £20.00 my nan gave me for Christmas and I spent it on nail polish a cd and pretty things (that she didnt buy me herself I might add). Apparently I was absolutely disgraceful to waste it on shite and I had no right too - in other words she was embarrassed to call my nan and tell her I hadnt bought clothes. She hadnt specified what to spend it on and I felt so ashamed at the time but now as an adult I think - "It was my money" and I think its the same situation here although he has a lot more. I think giving him some suggestions is a great idea and I really wish I had been given guidance financially sooner but ultimately it was gifted to him and if he blows it then regrets it he learns a valuable lesson about budgeting.

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