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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU PIL don't bother with my children and OH spends rest of Xmas with them?!

33 replies

bakingno4 · 26/12/2011 22:51

ok, so OH gets up this morning and decides to spend the rest of the holidays with his mother. We have 4 children, I could count on my hands the amount of times his mother has visited them, the eldest is 8 years old. She hasn't given them anything for Xmas and didn't even phone on Xmas day to wish them a happy Xmas, she lives a 2.5th drive away and I don't have a car, whenever they have family dinners/parties etc OH is invited but me or our kids are not, AIBU to expect that he spend his one week off work here with his children and if he wants to see his mother then she could have come up to see him?

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 26/12/2011 22:52

just all of a sudden?

Sillyoldelf · 26/12/2011 22:53

You are definitely not being unreasonable . Have you challenged him about this?

blackeyedsanta · 26/12/2011 22:54

so has he gone now til new year? [incredulous]

Kayano · 26/12/2011 22:54

There is a lot of threads like this ATM

Put your foot down! What a joke, I don't get why anyone puts up with this without going batshit crazy having it out with their OH.

carabos · 26/12/2011 22:55

Are you sure it's his mother he's spending time with?

SingingTunelessly · 26/12/2011 22:55

Errrr well on the face of it you don't sound unreasonable but surely there is a HUGE back story here?!

runningwilde · 26/12/2011 22:55

Why the bloody hell do you put up with this?

Original poster
bakingno4 · 26/12/2011 22:56

Not all of a sudden, he decided on Xmas eve, I've challenged him with it many times before and his response is always the same - his mother doesn't like coming to London.... He seems to be under the illusion that I should take my children aged 8, 6, 3 and 2 months old onto various different trains and then a cab from the station to see her, because I don't do this they say I am stopping her from seeing them!!

OP posts:
ViviPrudolf · 26/12/2011 22:57

what SingingTunelessly said Confused

BlissfulMistletoe · 26/12/2011 22:57

How can you have a family party but not invite 4 grandchildren (hconfused)

blackeyedsanta · 26/12/2011 22:58

not visiting and not phoning at christmas are understandable... but not inviting you to adult stuff isn't.

Kayano · 26/12/2011 22:58

So you are invited but you don't want to get a train with your kids? Hmm

Which is it?

blackeyedsanta · 26/12/2011 22:59

does your oh drive? I would not take the children on trains/taxis either.

Original poster
bakingno4 · 26/12/2011 23:09

I don't know about a huge back story, we have had our ups and downs in the past like any MILs but most of it has been around her saying that I am preventing her from seeing the kids,I have never prevented her from seeing them but have always said that she cannot have unsupervised (by me) access to my children. Although this sounds unreasonable it is because her husband seriously abused her two eldest sons who are not his and also the two children she has with him when they were growing up. This ranged from kicking a baby around the room in his car seat cause he was crying to more serious incidents. When I was pregnant with my eldest they told me he had changed and wasn't like this anymore but then there was an incident where he stopped the car on the motorway punched his 15 year old daughter and left her on the side of the road and drove off. The mother was there during this incident and did nothing. My OH always plays down the way he has treated them and sings his praises, therefore I do not want my kids around him, and I don't trust that my MIL would be capable of keeping them safe if she had unsupervised access. she only ever comes to London when her partner wants to see his mother who lives here and she comes along, and on those visits, three or four occasions she has come round to mine for about half an hour to see the kids.

I just don't see why my kids should have to do without their father spending quality time with them over Christmas because of this. He works the rest of the year (mostly in the area where his mother lives)....

OP posts:
Kayano · 26/12/2011 23:11

I would say that's a huge back story Sad

I wouldn't be bothered about MIL it's the FIL that's an arse! Kicking a child in a car seat?!

Original poster
bakingno4 · 26/12/2011 23:12

No, I'm not invited, however, if I did want to go down there for the kids to visit them one day (when there is not a party/get together/meal etc) then I would have to get on the train, and it's not a case of not wanting to it's a case of not seeing why I should drag four young kids on a round trip of five hours on various different trains / cabs costing me God knows how much to see a woman who clearly can't be bothered with them!!

OH drives a two seated van....

OP posts:
Original poster
bakingno4 · 26/12/2011 23:13

The MIL drives too

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 26/12/2011 23:18

:( Horrible mental image :(

abbierhodes · 26/12/2011 23:19

Sounds like some serious issues there! TBH, if your OH can defend a man like that then I'd be concerned about his attitude to parenting, never mind the inlaws.

WilsonFrickett · 26/12/2011 23:19

Op, I agree with your original decision but how can that not be classed as a huge back story?

In effect, you have stopped her seeing the kids unsupervised - again I dont blame you for this at all - but if you want her to have a relationship with them then something has to give, so that means that either you do take the train, or you find a way of getting her to you.

I'm not going to speculate about your OH but he must have issues from his childhood. And it sounds like denial is one of them. I'm not saying he's not U, but clearly something powerful is driving his behaviour.

Honesty, I understand everything you said in your op and you are NOT U, but there are much, much deeper issues at play here.

SingingTunelessly · 26/12/2011 23:20

"This ranged from kicking a baby around the room in his car seat cause he was crying to more serious incidents."

Seriously you have to ask if YABU?! Of course you're not. You need words with your DH.

missismac · 26/12/2011 23:24

Is it possible that your MIL is a scared and controlled woman? If FIL is as scary a man as the picture you paint it seems to me quite likely that he could well be the type who expects MIL to be there to do his bidding whenever he needs. It may be that she isn't capable of breaking away from him & that he would be unwilling to let her come on a visit to you for fear of her being out of his sphere of influence (a quick visit whilst he's in the vicinity would be tolerable to him though). This might explain why your OH wants to spend this time with her - he knows that you & your kids are safe and OK, he doesn't know that she is - I'm just surmising of course, guessing, but it does sound like there may be undercurrents of control and controlling personalities going on that you're either not seeing, or not mentioning?

Why doesn't your partner take you all up on the train to visit her a few times a year - or hire a car? Surely a day now and again would be manageable?

Seems like there's more here than meets the eye?

Original poster
bakingno4 · 26/12/2011 23:33

Don't get me wrong it's a massive backstory and it's caused so much friction over the years with him being in the middle all the time but I don't think it's that huge in the sense that it's not that applicable to what has happened this Holidays (yet again).... IMO she should have made the effort to come and see her son and grandchildren, instead he has gone running to them (after eating his dinner here which I slaved over) and hasn't even given credit to the fact that she never even phoned to wish them a happy Xmas... and has also left 4 kids with no father over the holiday period...

It's not his father who did all this stuff to them it's his step dad but he's dads just as useless as his mum (that's a different story)...

OP posts:
Original poster
bakingno4 · 26/12/2011 23:37

Blissful Mistletoe they have dinner parties etc where the other grandchildren and b/f and g/f of b/sils are invited, it's only me and my kids who are excluded!!!

OP posts:
Tryharder · 26/12/2011 23:39

My first thought was 'is he seeing another woman?'

But sounds awful, OP. YANBU. I could understand him going off for a day perhaps 2 but the rest of the holidays?? Is he spending the New Year with his mum as well?

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