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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Probably am, want to tell me how badly? (long and dull.)

34 replies

FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 26/12/2011 21:08

Warning: Rambling, disjointed and full of probably unreasonable rage and sadness.

XH and I agreed that we would still spend Xmas as a family for the kids' sake.

This year has been just plain horrid. For me. I have scrimped/ scraped/ saved since August to make sure the children got the presents they wanted.

He has his parents visiting, so I said, whatever time you want, that's fine, as long as the children stay here Christmas Eve. We agreed that I would text when they woke Xmas day, and he would be here straight away (lives a 5 min walk away.)

So, texted Xmas day. Rang after a while, he was having fucking breakfast. Kids were great, not being whiney, but understandably keen to get in the living room and see if Santa had been. We waited over an hour, and when he arrived he brought a small gift for each of them and announced that they were "Santa presents from Daddy." He contributed £20 towards 1 of DD's gifts, the rest I have done alone.

The rest of Xmas Day spent with him, his parents and my mum and sister. They all get on like a house on fire, and I deal with lovely snide comments about how much money I have, how often I go out, how WONDERFUL XH is for "having" the kids for me etc etc etc.

Kids and I spent time together choosing his gift from them, which he loved. I got a £1 box of chocolates and a calendar, kids hadn't been consulted at all. DD (aged 8) bought me a present and wrapped it herself - he's "lost" it.

Yeah. Thanks, XH. I wonder if his parents know I've had child support payments 3 times this year?

He and his parents are now sitting in my Mum's house, playing family Xmas games and having a great old time. I have apparently excluded myself.

Basically, I feel that I have been super reasonable, and been kicked in the teeth. Which I know is punishment for the whole leaving him thing, but FFS, it's been over 2 years!

So, AIBU to feel that he and his parents could have at least gone back to his house tonight and let me and my kids have SOME time as a family with my mum, without them there? I couldn't stay any longer, I have been biting my tongue all day and just wanted to take my babies home and shut the door on the whole fucking lot of them.

Xmas Sad
OP posts:
thebigkahuna · 26/12/2011 21:12
Sad

YANBU and you have my every sympathy.Vent away xx

abbierhodes · 26/12/2011 21:26

YANBU at all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2011 21:30

Not unreasonable in the slightest. What a lot of tongue-biting you've had to do. Hope next Christmas is better for you. :(

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 26/12/2011 21:32

Fucking Hell. I hate stories likes this. Deep Breath. You are GREAT.

runningwilde · 26/12/2011 21:34

Yanbu, i think separate Christmases are better from now on. Get legal advice on the payments as he needs to pay his way

guffawstythesnowman · 26/12/2011 21:34

Wine and Thanks for you... yanbu , and you have 12 months to work out a cunning plan to make next Christmas better for you and your dc xx

squeakytoy · 26/12/2011 21:36

I wonder if his parents know I've had child support payments 3 times this year?

They will if you tell them! Why cover for his feckless behaviour??? If they are decent people, they are likely to be your allies in giving him shit for letting down Their grandkids.

Original poster
FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 26/12/2011 21:37

Thanks guys. Xmas Smile

The parents are leaving Weds, I'll have to talk to him after that.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 26/12/2011 21:38

squeakytoy sadly not, as a single mother I am clearly rolling in the fabulous wads of dosh handed out by the state - I get the impression they feel it is unfair that he has to contribute at all. Or as they see it, "give" money to me.

Betcha can't guess which paper they read Xmas Wink

OP posts:
herbietea · 26/12/2011 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Thebrighteststar · 26/12/2011 21:41

YANBU, he is a total knob.

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 26/12/2011 21:42

Exh and ex in laws for Christmas- that is unnecessary. Separate Christmases in future- alternate if necessary.

TheRuderBarracuda · 26/12/2011 21:42

YANBU Op - how old are your DCs?

I'm surprised you still have a tongue to be honest.

What a twat he is - and the reason I ask about the age of DCs is although you are doing everything to protect them from knowing their dad is a twat for now (in most ways, the right thing to do and you are by far the better and bigger person for doing so), it will dawn on them at some point when they are older (possibly not until they have their own DC) what a twat he is. I have watched my sister do everything possible to protect her DCs from the fact their dad is only interested in them when they can be used as a weapon against her for leaving him (DV, controlling paranoid alcoholic) but sadly all her tonguebiting and covering for him still couldn't hide the truth.

Could you do something different next Christmas? Do a homeswap and spend some of your hardsaved cash on flights and have an adventure with the DC instead? Just so you're looking forward to next year?

mamalovesmojitos · 26/12/2011 21:43

YADNBU, you have the patience of a saint. You're well shot of him. You sound like a lovely mum Smile

RubyrooUK · 26/12/2011 21:45

Of course YANBU. And you have chosen to give your kids a great Xmas with their mum, dad and grandparents so I think you should feel pleased you are so ace. Whatever your ex's shortcomings, it seems that the kids had fun so pat yourself on the back.

And if there are any more snide comments, brazen them out, putting people in their way in a cheery way. Eg. "Oh, OP has so much money." You say: "Well, of course things have been really tight this year. I'm so proud that I saved for six months to ensure I could buy the kids what they want." Or "Isn't it great that OP' ex has her kids so much?" Your reply: "Yes, it's good he is an involved dad. After all, in this day and age most men would be embarrassed to do less than 50% care for their kids."

sweetsantababy · 26/12/2011 21:46

Oh god, seperate from now on. utter dick

squeakytoy · 26/12/2011 21:47

squeakytoy sadly not, as a single mother I am clearly rolling in the fabulous wads of dosh handed out by the state - I get the impression they feel it is unfair that he has to contribute at all. Or as they see it, "give" money to me

obviously the Daily Mail.. but while they assume all this, then they are no going to be any the wiser, so put them straight!

why on earth let them think otherwise?

Original poster
FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 26/12/2011 21:48

They're 8, 6 and nearly 3.

I'm thinking I'll tell him that his parents are welcome from Boxing Day next year.

Yesterday nearly lost it with XMIL while making a fry for them, because she was "helping" while pointing out how small my kitchen is etc. ( I KNOW. And I LOVE it, because it is MINE. ROAR.) I think the combo of the three of them plus making sure the kids are OK/ having a good time etc and behaving like mostly reasonable human beings was just a bit much.

They went for a family walk today - everyone but me. And I was invited, but I just couldn't face it. (There's nothing like 4 other adults doing back-seat parenting to really give the kids a licence to take the piss!) That's when the comment about "excluding myself" occured.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 26/12/2011 21:51

squeakytoy misplaced pride, probably.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 26/12/2011 21:56

Oh MAN UP!!! Do not let them walk all over you like this. Refuse to spend Christmas with them all! Have Christmas with your family, he can have them Boxing Day - there is absolutely no need to have them there - this is the joy of them being the ex & the ex family!!! Alternate if necessary, but do not put yourself through this hell next year!! Or I'll be over to have words with you!x

RubyrooUK · 26/12/2011 22:01

Oh and I agree with everyone else - don't repeat this next year. Tell him that the kids can have two days of Xmas spoiling with each of you hosting separately. You have done well to survive this year; you don't need to do it again. The kids will survive - I still have 4 or 5 Xmases with various parents/step-parents/siblings/step-siblings and have done since childhood. And I LOVE Xmas.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2011 22:02

You can't moan about his parents not knowing their son doesn't pay for his kids if you don't tell them.

pickgo · 26/12/2011 22:05

Completely agree with CHipping.
Learn the lesson Frosty - there is a reason Xes are X.

Your DCs will pick up on your stress so trying for a fake happy families chrimbo doesn't really work. So next year go for a real happy one with your family and let him sort out time, place and entertainment for seeing the DCs. Agree it well beforehand (in writing?) and keep yourself well out of It !
Hats off for trying.... but your only human you know Xmas Smile

Original poster
FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 26/12/2011 22:11

Thanks Chipping!

It just feels very unfair on the kids, it's not their fault, and they love him to bits and WANT to share Xmas with him.

(Should point out, in the eyes of almost everyone else, I had no reason to leave him. After all, he didn't cheat or hit me, what could possibly have been wrong?)

OP posts:
Original poster
FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 26/12/2011 22:12

worra not even a little bit?

I hope it's not moaning - more frustration.

OP posts:
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