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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you of called it a day?

28 replies

wheremylife · 26/12/2011 14:14

Dp works long hours,saving for house so I look after the kids alone alot of the time it feels like im a single parent most of the time,I have no life my choice ,I stopped seeing friends ages ago I would just rather stay in with kids.

Dp goes out a few times a week,he does nothing around the house on a Sunday his day of,and I'm starting to resent him.

He takes no care in a his apperance and makes no effort with me at all, I feel unloved tbh,and I dont fancy him anymore im afraid.

I sleep in the dc's room most of the time as he will watch the telly till 12 at night I cant sleep and most of the time im tired with work and looking after dc's,plus he makes me cross as he is so selfish and never goes downstairs to watch telly.

Ive tried to talk, its ok for a bit then goes back to normal I cant spend my life being this miserable,would you call it a day.

OP posts:

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 26/12/2011 14:16

If I was very miserable and I had talked to him and told him how I felt and he didn't care, or he had agreed to work on it but did nothing, then yes. I would.

There's only so many times you can tell someone that you aren't happy and have them show you that really, they don't much give a crap, before you have to give it up as a bad job.

Kayano · 26/12/2011 14:17

Sounds like he may be taking you for granted however some of what you say strikes me as a bit odd

You stopped seeing all your friends by choice as you prefer DCs
And
You sleep with DCs most of the time

Have you tried actually talking to him? He might also e feeling neglected/ taken for granted in that now you have the DCs he doesn't seem to fit in anymore?

It all seems a bit stagnant and... Well... Meh

Kayano · 26/12/2011 14:19

I mean actually talking to him about thoughts
Of ending it, I can see you have spoke to him from OP etc *

Original poster

wheremylife · 26/12/2011 14:26

I sleep in with kids as there asleep in the eve,he goes to our bedroom and watches telly from 8pm till 12, I just go to sleep in their room so I can sleep.

When the kids were younger we never really were invited anywhere as everyone had no kids or their kids were older than ours. it was easier to stay in and he went out , I would just stay in with them.

He does take me for granted says im ungrateful for all he does working long hours so we have little money,yer its making me lonely and miserable and for what.

OP posts:

sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 14:33

It doesnt sounds as if there is anything unsalvagable here. He's working hard to support you and your children I think you have to cut him some slack.

It seems to me as if some compromises might be able to fix this. You both watch television downstairs until bedtime then you both go to your own double bed.

On one of his "nights out" you start a college course or find some other outlet where you can meet new friends or take up a new interest. He stops in with the children and you get something other than the children to talk about, he also takes responsibility for the children.

Those kinds of tweeks might just help as would getting a night out occasionally together if you can find a sitter.

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 26/12/2011 14:36

Could you get a part time job to

A) make some friends

B) have a life other than just with kids

C) help him save for a house

Original poster

wheremylife · 26/12/2011 14:51

I have two part time jobs I work everyday except I take one day off.

Im saving already for the house itstfalxmas.

I would not know where to start than having a life without the kids they are my life,

OP posts:

Kayano · 26/12/2011 14:52

Why not book a table for
You and DH to sit down without the DCs for a while to talk and reconnect.

Can you get a babysitter?

Earlybird · 26/12/2011 15:01

How old are you?
How many dc and what ages?
How long have you and dp been together?
How long has it been since things were good between you?

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 15:26

I'm going to come in with hard love here because you are wallowing.

Take one problem at a time. You chose to isolate yourself from your joint friends but haven't made new ones either at play groups or school? Or even at work, coz you said you have PT jobs. You seem to like being on your own and your world revolving round your children.

Meanwhile, your DP is working all the hours under the sun to enable the family to have money and save for a house deposit?m Not negating you too have PT jobs.

He does take me for granted says im ungrateful for all he does working long hours so we have little money,yer its making me lonely and miserable and for what.

Juxed opposed posts there. Now you are lonely and miserable becasue you cut yourself off from friends?

You need to be shaking yourself up here. You've allowed yourself to wallow in self pity caused by you isolating yourself. Frankly, if I were working long hours 6 days a week the last think I'd feel like doing is being all-singing-all-dancing and entertaining the resident martyr. So if I were you,I'd take a long hard look at why you have no friends; develop some interests to enable you to make some friends; stop revolving exclusively round the children (that just isn't a healthy rounded attitude) and shift your arse back into the marital bed and stamp on the remote control (TVs in bedrooms aren't healthy either).

He takes no care in a his apperance and makes no effort with me at all, I feel unloved tbh,and I dont fancy him anymore im afraid.

yes well he's probably feeling the same way about you at the moment.

The question is - Do you want to rectify your relationship OR are you willing to let things slide until you split?

Original poster

wheremylife · 26/12/2011 15:47

Earlybird Im late 30's our children are both under 6,we have known each other over 20 years, lived together 7 years,it was slightly better before children,both had livesalthough his is better than mine,our relationship has got worse since we had the children ,his life has not changed mine has .

Trios I do prefer my own company,never used to, my dp is a family person he has a close relationship with his family,I dont my parents were never there fpor me and never will be,I except it bit has made me bitter more than I though.

You have some very valid points and yes I have been wallowing and dont seek out new friendships,I push people away,and yes I want to rectify our relationship just dont know how we can get back what we once had.

OP posts:

mumblechum1 · 26/12/2011 15:50

As a first step, move the tv out of the bedroom and yourself back into it.

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 15:53

Communication is the key.

I'm insular, couldnt care less if I never see another livingsoul from day to day - and my DH is the life and soul of every party. It does get wearing,living with Mr Popular!

Difference is, our chalk and cheese compliments each other. Whereas your chalk and cheese highlights differences.

So, back to communication. All the resentment needs to come out on the kitchen table and be mulled over, chewed to pieces and some 'couple' time made. Because if you lose that, you've not got a relationship.

mumblechum1 · 26/12/2011 15:56

I agree Trois (I find I agree with you about most things; are you me in a parallel universe?)

A family isn't ever going to be happy if the relationship between the parents isnt strong.

You will be doing your children a favour in the long run if you spend less energy and time on them and more on your marriage.

Original poster

wheremylife · 26/12/2011 16:06

Your right and hiding away is not going to solve that,thanks for listening to me it means alot I truly mean that thank you.

Yes we are chalk and cheese as well,he's popular and the life and soul of the party im not detest it.

OP posts:

Original poster

wheremylife · 26/12/2011 16:08

Thanks mumble your right and so true ,I guess we forgot about us as most parents do but we need to think about us as well.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 26/12/2011 16:11

Your children should not be the "be all and end all" of your life. Your kids will reach their teens and have their own lives, then become adults and leave home.. and you will then have nothing.

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 16:11

Revolving exclusively round children is never a good thing.

I could do a whole diffrernt thread on my musings on that sort of topic!

As far as I tend to see, relationships tend to split for two reasons.

(a) financial be that lack of money and the ensuing worry, or inequality with money and sharing.

(b) where one partner "neglect" the other. That takes different forms. Maybe the female partner starts to exclude the male and appear to prefer the children OR the male is working solidly and there is a perception of little quality family/couple time.

Either way, resentment creeps in. One partner feels excluded.

Most (not all) relationships will stand the test of time if communication, problemsharing,even the sharing of fears are openly discussed. I'm not saying all relationships will be plain sailing,they have to be worked at. But if you lose the art of communication,then thats when your ship is likely to sink. And I can say that, having been married 18years, we went through a patch where we took each other forgranted and nearly called it quits.

Original poster

wheremylife · 26/12/2011 16:32

Sounds like we are where you were trois,we have lost interest in ourselves and each other,and put everything into the dc's.

Ours is B without a doubt,and resentment has crept in on my part,and left out the back door,without us realising untill now.

I have never been one for talking about feelings etc,even when I grew up,should we go out for a meal and talk and get a sitter?,laying our cards on the table Trois?.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 16:44

Personally, I wouldnt do it in a public place - but I dont know if you are likely to end up with tears or tantrums on either side.

Needs to be when the children are in bed/out of the way. You don't even need to start an antagonistic conversation.

Something like - "we've lost our way haven't we?" in a whistful voice. Or evan a simple "I do love you, you know" .... things have a way of opening up and rectifying themseves eventually. Other things like "I thought I'd wait till you came home and eat with you tonight" and lay the table and eat together.

I'm probably a little blunter than you though! I just came out with "oi! Do you still want to be married???" he did - I did the opening gambit of "where's it all gone wrong then?" - 3 hours later, all sorted and hunky dorey again - but I am full on if pushed. It's not a tack I would suggest to others.

Original poster

wheremylife · 26/12/2011 16:51

Im like you although im very blunt to the point of being rude sometimes mainly out of frustration,but I will wait untill its the right time not tonight.

I will cook something nice maybe order and talk,I will try my hardest without being accusing and take it form there what doi you think?.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 26/12/2011 16:54

In your shoes, i wouldn't get a sitter so you can go out for a serious talk about the dire state of your relationship - i'd get a sitter and go out and have fun together! Do something you'll both enjoy - lovely meal, see a film, go hiking in the hills, 10 pin bowling, karaoke, seeing a band - whatever it is you want. And don't spend all your time together talking about the children!

Then, once you've reconnected - have a talk about how to revive the relationship and put things on a better footing. Maybe set up a semi-regular date night? Maybe consider whether some sessions at Relate could get you back on track.

OP - you sound in a rut. It is important to remember that your dp cannot make you happy (he can contribute to your happiness in a significant way, but cannot do it for you). Many people seem to blame their partners for their own misery. Do your part too - it is not all down to him.

Original poster

wheremylife · 26/12/2011 17:00

Your right earlybird I should do my part as well ,Im going to arrange a overnight sitter and arrange some quality time together,we have never been together alone overnight in nearly 7 years togther only out in a eve occasionally for a few hours.

He has contributed alot to my happiness but the rest is down to me and I alomost given up,thank you.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2011 17:07

You have had some great advice, WML

I can't add anything

I wish you luck, I think you do still love your husband and he still loves you x

Original poster

wheremylife · 26/12/2011 17:13

Thanks anyfuckerfamp thats means alot you made me cry in a good way,thank you to everyone who took time to talk to me and advice me today it means alot.xx

OP posts:

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