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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad following a conversation with my father.

31 replies

graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 11:48

My father popped in to visit me this am. I dont know him terribly well, but we are on nice speaking terms, as adults.

He spoke in brief about his step sons girlfriend, who is 'nuts' (his words) and then at the end, he said she had been diagnosed as bi-polar. He is best shot of her according to my dad. Xmas Hmm

My children were around, vaguely playing, so I didnt feel I wanted to flare up a conversation about how I thought that was a crap way to speak about someone who is suffering from mental health issues like that.

Been there myself (not bipolar but depression).

In essence, he epitomises judgementalism of those with mental health issues and I didnt like it, it seemed so callous.

Its kinda saddened me. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 11:49

to even care I mean?

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 11:50

He's needs educating sharpish. The man is simply ignorant. Is he open to be educated though?

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2011 11:51

Perhaps there's too much water under the bridge for him to be as sympathetic as he should be?

Unless you know what's gone on between them, you won't really know why he feels the way he does.

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2011 11:53

Many, if not most people are ignorant about mental health problems.

Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 11:53

I dont know. I could possibly say when I see him and his wife on new years eve that I found what he said difficult and explain (nicely) why? Or get him aleaflet on bi-polar disorder. Bit tricky I would need to handle it well as wouldnt want to cause contention.

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Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 11:54

Dad knows the girlfriend well. He was going out with his step son for approx too years.

Just a bit shocked at how ill-understood someone suffering mental health problems could be, poor girl.

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sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 11:56

I wonder how his wife feels and what support she is giving?

Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 11:57

Step - son doesnt live at home and as far as I know, dad knows very little of 'why' she is acutally 'nuts' : more that his step son told him she had been given a diagnosis and it was this that my father was appearing to judge if that makes sense. That on the back of her diagnosis she was best rid of.

He is not a bad man, more a case of how much mental health education i think the 50+ age group still need perhaps!

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GnomeDePlume · 26/12/2011 11:58

YANBU to feel sad about this.

If you are in the position to have proper grown up conversations with your father can you try to open his eyes to mental health problems. Many people see it as something which happens to 'weak' people. Are there any public figures that he admires that you can point to and say they have mental health problems which they are open about and arent weak?

A few who spring to mind instantly are Marcus Trescothick & Michael Vaughan both from the cricketing world and Stephen Fry.

Seeing that problems can affect anyone including people who could be seen as 'strong' might help your father to see it as being no more shameful or weak than having a long term problem with your appendix or being diabetic.

Is it possible that simple your father knows no better?

Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 11:59

The issue is with my dads step sons ,EX girlfriend (now).

I should imagine my step mother also feels relieved to have someone with bi-polar going out with her son, though I cant be sure!

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WorraLiberty · 26/12/2011 12:00

What I'm trying to say (albeit badly) is that perhaps he simply does not like the girl for whatever reason...so maybe it's her rather than the illness.

If someone he loved suffered from Bi Polar, he might have a totally different attitude altogether?

It doesn't make it right, but it might explain his attitude.

Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 12:01

gnome

I think youre right, he has no experience and is therefore just a bit like, best rid of that problem.

I will read up on folks who are known, who have bipolar and try to slip it into convo without sounding judgy!

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SubordinateClaws · 26/12/2011 12:03

It's never too late to re-educate people on matters like this.

Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 12:05

I hear you worra dnot worry lol - I think my dad did like the girl actually, but now the diagnosis has put him off as it leaves a question about what sort of life, the step son might have with her, if she continued dating my step brother. Thats the impression I got.

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Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 12:06

Right, ground me in bi-polar disorder please ladies Xmas Grin so when Im there on new years eve, if he starts on about the ex I can do some educating Xmas Grin

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sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 12:06

I would be interested to know what the wife and ss have tried with him already. I'd find out about bi polar if I were you so you can help to inform him if he brings it up again.

Kayano · 26/12/2011 12:11

It depends

If she is bi polar and getting treatment etc then it's a bad and not educated thing to say

If she is my ex SIL who is bipolar but does not take her meds and then gets then cries victim when she is down but not doing anything to help herself I take his point

She once got her meds from the dic an threw the script in the bin as soon as she left the office. Then later that week was threatening suicide an smashed a picture frame off BIL

So we need more info as to what SHE is like before we can say He is BU or not

IMO

Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 12:12

My step mum and step brother are similar to my dad in this respect, not educated or really that sympathetic as such, so its not as if they will have tried to educate my dad tbh!

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Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 12:15

kayano some good points.

She recently was diagnosed and is 18 / 19 yo.

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limitedperiodonly · 26/12/2011 12:22

What outcome do you expect if you 'educate' him? I'd think about that strongly before giving him a talk in case it ruins your relationship with him. If you're prepared for that, then go ahead.

It's his stepson and he feels more for him, and for his wife's feelings about him, than the girlfriend. That's sad but understandable.

Someone close to me was going out with someone for a year who clearly had mental issues that were hurting her and everyone around her - especially him.

People were throwing around words like 'mad' and 'mental' which was unkind, but she was hurting someone very close to them even though they realised that she couldn't help it.

They also said it was the best thing for him when they broke up and it was - for him - and that's all they cared about. I don't think you could blame them for their attitude.

IMO he wasn't the right person for her at that stage either because he couldn't cope.

Was he expected to stay with someone he didn't love and who was making him miserable and exhausted out of pity or fear of what she might do?

I hope she finds someone who can cope and also finds a way to cope with her own illness.

Please tread carefully.

sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 12:27

The problem is that some people who have mental health issues feel and are quite well when they are medicated, then feel they don't need the medication as they are quite well. I am told it's not uncommon. Grace if your SM and SB are unsympathetic and you hardly know your Dad, I'm not sure what else you can do. I'd imagine Bi Polar is like many mental health issues where the symptoms can be different for everyone but have common traits.

All you can do is to point him to different websites but if he wanted to do that he'd have done it already.

limitedperiodonly · 26/12/2011 12:27

grace I've just read your post about New Year's Eve. Do you honestly think it's a good idea to 'educate' someone on such a loaded occasion?

I guess you mean well but that's not the time. And what's with the Xmas Grin? This is a serious situation. Nothing to joke about.

Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 12:27

limitedperiod hmm, good points also.

I dont want to fall out with my dad certainly not. Was really just thinking, there but by the grace of god go I and it could be me they were taking about if I had bipolar disorder! Its not as if anyone picks to have mental health issues.

Think It made me sad as I have had depression so know how alienating that can be.

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limitedperiodonly · 26/12/2011 12:31

I know you mean well. Just leave a good space of time before bringing it up and pick your moment - NYE isn't it.

And don't expect them to understand you even then.

Original poster
graceinabundance · 26/12/2011 12:32

limitperiodonly I was throwing in a Xmas Grin so as not to come across as a total doom and gloom agent! I was intending to be totally appropriate on new years eve if it came up, which by the sounds of it, it may. Educate was the wrong word I was merely contemplating slipping in that being bipolar does not make someone 'nuts' and that I felt for the girl having this diagnoses, but know it myst have been hard for step-son.

I dont need told this is not a thing to joke about I started the thread.

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