To bring this up with easily offended relatives

[CBear6]

MIL and her DP have recently gotten back into contact with us after a long estrangement caused by MIL's behaviour and attitude (long, long story spanning several years with a chunk of DH's childhood thrown in for good measure).

At the minute it's a case of let bygones be bygones and I won't mention it of you don't mention it. So it's an open relationship where no topic is off-limits . Still, early days and baby steps, eh?

We've had a DD during the estrangement, this partly contributed to the reunion. She's almost 4mo and MIL's DP, who I'm sure if lovely but is of no blood relation and has not had much to do with either of our children, keeps referring to her as sexy.

"Look at that smile! That's because she knows she's a sexy girl!", "whose a sexy girl?", "oh you're a sexy one, ain't ya?", "come here sexy!" and repeat.

There is nothing at all even remotely sexy about my baby daughter. She soils herself at least once a day, dribbles, wears shirts with ducks on them, sleeps 12+ hours out of any given 24, doesn't work, has no social life, and oh yeah, she's a fucking four month old baby!

Every time he does it I feel physically sick and I immediately take the baby away. I don't think he has an unhealthy interest in her (there is something about him creeps me out but it's entirely unfounded), I just think he's one of those people who overuses the word sexy even when it's not appropriate.

They're very easily offended and the mildest slight, whether real or imagined, can send them into a tizzy of scandalised self-righteous anger resulting in huffs, name-calling, and 14 month long estrangements ....

AIBU to request that they kindly fuck off with calling my baby sexy stop as I don't like it given that the relationship is still on fairly shaky ground and that they are always in the right all of the time and will therefore massively kick off if I say anything?

Get him out of your life. He sounds the creepiest person out. You do NOT have to put up with this. What is your husband thinking letting him speak to his daughter like that? You can do without relations like that. You say you think it is harmless and a misuse of the word, but suppose it is not? My DD is a teacher working with abused kids - do not let your DD join their ranks. Abuse is most commonly carried out by a member of the family.

if he was going to abuse the child he would be less open about it, put those pitchforks away

Paedophiles don't go around wearing macs and rubbing their thighs saying 'ooh sexy children'

YANBU

Some people just use that word in completely inappropriate places. I used to have a boss who referred to projects as 'sexy' or 'not sexy', meaning high profile or not. It's cringey. To say it about a child sounds very wrong even if the intention in the true sense of the word is just not there.

I would ask him nicely to stop - you could ignore the fact that he's done it and just say how much you dislike the term for babies and children and can't understand why ANYBODY would do it... see if he takes the hint. If not, you'll have to ask him directly and firmly to stop it, saying that you wouldn't bother asking if you didn't want him to be an important part of your DCs life, yada yada...

When I was pregnant I just decorated the baby's nursery eiyh Winnie the Pooh theme and the Landlorde cane round and said _ WOW Sexy!!
His wife was pregnant at the same time.
It is just misuse of the word.
Just tell tjem you dont like it/

When my dd was a toddler my mil used to ply horse horse with my dd on her foot. amd in my culture - I am not english and this is high inapproperiate where I come from - so I told her not to ever do it again. Worked. Good luck

It does sound horrible. My sil used to say it about my nephew. It's hideous, tell him it's inappropriate, you don't have to be mean. Not an easy one for you but I think you should mention it. :)

That would make my skin crawl, I would say to him that she is not sexy, she is a baby, so please don't call her that.

I know someone who does this. She uses the word incorrectly for my small son to mean he is great or sweet. I don't like it but I don't think she is a paedophille; she is using it as a compliment and gets it wrong.

I laughed when she said it last and said something jokey but obvious like: "Hm, small boys who keep their mums up all night talking and demanding milk are definitely not sexy. Not sexy at all. Shall we settle on the best we can do - 'cute'?"

I said this while laughing, smiling widely and kissing my son. She now says "oh it's the cute boy!" or "Hello cute boy! Have you let your mum sleep?"

I agree it's not the right thing to call a baby but given the delicate situation, if it's important to try and repair bonds, maybe try a few jokey requests first?

OP: you said " I just think he's one of those people who overuses the word sexy even when it's not appropriate".

Could you clarify if you mean that he uses it about anything and everything, ie he has an impoverished vocabulary and this is his nigh on sole adjective of approbation?

Because if it's a deeply ingrained speech habit, then it will be hard to get him to change it. I think there are some good suggestions (usually ending with "have a cup of tea") on this thread, but I'm not sure they stand much chance of success.

I think it is really odd.
I would pick him up about it.

As LunaticFringe - I think it's in series 2 of Inbetweeners, the boys (17 year olds!) are out together and they see some 12 or 13 year old girls and speak to them. The girls round on them and very vocally keep shouting "Paedo! Paedo!! Fuck off paedo" to thoroughly shame them. Try it, OP, either louder or quieter depending what feels best!

It sounds funny to me as well. Agree with those saying that it doesnt make him wierd and it wouldnt make me feel uncomfortable having my child round them. To people who use it to describe babies and children it is just a word, just a term of endearment nothing any more sinister than that. Though Id definately prefer it if it wasnt used.

My MIL used to call my DS saucy when he was first born nearly 7 years ago, that used to make me feel funny too so told DH and Ive not heard it since those first few days.

I just call them beautiful (pronounced bootiful for some reason) or gorgeous.

YANBU to mention it, but I would definately try to think of some way of bringing it up nicely. Maybe by bringing up those lovely, but no way sexy qualities that babies have which you mentioned ie soiling herself, dribbling etc.

What does DH think? Its his mum and her partner after all. How does he feel about bringing it up? I can see you want to, but are worried about how they will take it and what it will mean to the relationship that is being formed between you, DH and MIL and partner.

My mum and her family circle said it a lot when i was a child (70's). In fact they used to ask us kids to say it for photos instead of cheese. ('say sexy everyone!' come on say sexy, can you say sexy' etc)

When i got older and mum would do it to nieces and nephews, i said it's creepy getting children to say sexy then everyone laugh at how adorable it is.

ewww I bloomin hate that. Tell him to stop end of story. What are they going to do - run around telling everyone that their DIL objected to her four month old being called sexy by and old man? Yeah alright - wont be long before they realise how ridiculous that sounds.

The first time anyone had said this to either of my kids they would have got an indignent "what do you mean sexy? In what way are your feelings for my child sexual, eeeurgh" in a jokey but they'd know I was serious tone with me. Peopl who are "easily hurt" usually don't give a damn about other people's feelings and are very unempathetic. They only become "easily hurt" if others let them have their own way all the time. Treat them like normal adults.
So what if they have a hissy fit.

I agree that you should say something direct that you find the term offensive. I certainly would. It is a wholly inappropriate term to use for a child of any age. Let them flounce if they wish. You need to be able to speak your mind in this relationship with them.

Some great advice :)

I've gone down the ultimate passive route - "guess what some woman on the bus called DD the other day? Sexy!! Yuck! I hate when people call babies sexy!" - texted to her when she texted to ask how the children are. Hopefully they can take a hint :o

That's. Horrible. I'm shocked. I would estrange both of them again a.s.a.p. if I were you. And never leave him alone with your daughter.