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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confront Dh neice?

34 replies

mrsshears · 25/12/2011 22:54

Today we have spent a lovely day at home,myself,dh and our 2 dd's.
Then at about 4 we went onto dh sisters house as we do every year,to spend the evening with dh 2 brothers,mum and dad and his sister and her husband.Dh niece is back living at home since her and her boyfriend split up a couple of years ago,every year at christmas when we go round she leaves the room almost imediately as we arrive and spends the remainder of the evening in her room.
Its the same story with any kind of family event that we attend,she either wont go or either says for as little amount of time as possible.
This has started since she split up with her boyfriend,although she wasn't especially friendly before this but nowhere near this.
I do try and make conversation with her and be friendly but it does'nt work,i'm at a loss really to know what to do on one hand i feel like confronting her and asking if there is something i have done to upset her,as its really awkward and embarrasing when she does this but on the other i feel that its her problem and she can get on with it ( to my knowledge i have never spent enough time in this girls company to have upset her).
Would ibu to confront her? as it does bother me.
(dh oppinion is its her problem,we know we have'nt done anything so let her get on with it)

OP posts:

Crabapple99 · 25/12/2011 22:55

why bother. She clearly wants to be left alone, there is no need to impose yourself on her in a ny way. Jusat leave her to it.

hellhasnofury · 25/12/2011 22:57

It is rude but perhaps she's just not very comfortable in groups of people. I don't see how you can force her to stay out of her room when you visit though so I'm not sure what confronting her would achieve?

NatashaBee · 25/12/2011 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mrsshears · 25/12/2011 22:59

It baffles me i suppose,its almost odd that she can't even bear to be in the same room,or so it seems,but then maybe its just that not everyone gets on with everyone iyswim

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsshears · 25/12/2011 23:01

Confront is probably to strong a term tbh,if i have upset her in some way i would just like to know so we could sort it out,for the sake of everyone really as it is very obvious and awkward for everyone present at the time.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 25/12/2011 23:01

Maybe at some point your husband has done something to annoy her, not you. Or she might just not like the noise that kids make..

I wouldnt pull her on it though, I would just let her be.

BlissfulMistletoe · 25/12/2011 23:03

if she has always been like it, then she likes being a hermit

catsareevil · 25/12/2011 23:06

Could your DH have done something to upset her if you havent?

MrsRhettButler · 25/12/2011 23:07

How can your dh not know what her problem is? In our family someone would tell someone else and you'd soon find out. (yes, we have lots of family dramas)

If I was him I'd ask her but it's fir him to do, not you.

MrsRhettButler · 25/12/2011 23:07

*for not fir

bushymcbush · 25/12/2011 23:11

No, don't confront her. If you are really bothered by her, why don't you speak to her parents? How old is she anyway?

Original poster

mrsshears · 25/12/2011 23:11

We have both racked our brains about it and neither of us can think of anything .
I do find situations like this hard and myself and dh are the type of people who like to get on with everyone and dont like the unease of it all,but perhaps the fact is that she just doesnt like us?

OP posts:

BigHairyGruffalo · 25/12/2011 23:11

Is it only when you have your dc with you? Are there any other little ones in the family?

bushymcbush · 25/12/2011 23:12

It's possible she might be extremely shy and socially awkward - confronting her would not help, bur make it much worse.

squeakytoy · 25/12/2011 23:12

Let sleeping dogs lie is often a very good bit of advice, because to use another cliche, cans of worms are often opened when you start to delve deeper.

Original poster

mrsshears · 25/12/2011 23:14

She is in her late 20's bushy.
We dont really see her that much,maybe 3 or 4 times a year but when we do its really uncomfortable.
Dh is toying with the idea of asking her younger sister who we get on really well with.

OP posts:

boredandrestless · 25/12/2011 23:26

Maybe she is down/depressed and can't face a room full of people?

YouOldSlag · 25/12/2011 23:43

If she was 14 or 15, I would say it's teenage grumpiness/angst.

Since she is in her late 20s, she is just being rude and it's unacceptably anti social. My parents wouldn't let me get away with behaving like that around people, especially family.

midoriway · 26/12/2011 09:05

Your entire extended family must be completely and singularly free of any oddballs if this is getting your knickers in such a twist. What happened to being tolerant of each others differences? You sound like you and dh have big upfront personalities, neice does not, you like family gettogethers, she does not.

It is not rude to be on different wavelengths.

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 09:08

Some people just arent sociable. Maybe she's shy. Maybe she doesn't want to be playing 'happy families' when she's not in a relationship. Maybe there was an incident when she was younger. Maybe she doesnt want to be around a load of old fuddy-duddies! Maybe ... she doesn't like any of you!

roundcornsilkvirgin · 26/12/2011 09:23

unless she's giving you the finger on her way out of the room I'd leave her alone. She may find large groups difficult - especially if she's like this with every family event.

sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 09:28

She is removing herself from a situation she feels uncomfortable with in her own home. Leave it alone because if you confront her you will be creating a situation where there is none currently.

PicaK · 26/12/2011 09:29

Doesn't seem a hard one to me.

She's late twenties, living at home, failed relationship. Then you guys turn up - the perfect happy family.... perhaps it's just a bit hard for her?

Are you sure you haven't inadvertently rubbed her nose in your good fortune in the past? Maybe it's just easier to duck out. Or do you insist that everyone plays a game? Or do you turnip just as Dr who is starting?

I wouldn't get upset. It sounds like you are looking for an apology and are more concerned about slights done to you than true concern for her.

troisgarcons · 26/12/2011 09:46

I'll throw another slant on it. I bet it's a 'past history' type thing.

My uncle was nasty to us small kids. My mum used to say" don't let it bother you, it's just teasing" - it wasn't he was an out and out drunken bully. I made sure I never attended any family do's he was at after I was 17. He unfortunately attended one when I was about 28, got completely plastered, showed himself up a treat and my father had to drive him home with my brother bringing uncles car behind. And I haven't seen him since. But I'm sure the family grapevine will rattle when he pops his clogs.

exoticfruits · 26/12/2011 10:03

I would just ignore it completely.

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