Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be feeling upset and worried

30 replies

Rhubarbgarden · 25/12/2011 22:23

IABU. I know this. But I'm genuinely worried too and not sure how to handle this situation.

Basically I am at the in-laws on the continent for a week with dh and 18 month old dd. The plan was to spend Christmas with the family then on Tuesday dh and I are supposed to be leaving dd with the in-laws while we drive to the coast (couple of hours away), to stay in a lovely little hotel and have a romantic dinner, just the two of us, with a proper lie-in the next morning and a day to ourselves before driving back that afternoon/evening. We have both been looking forward to our little 24hr break so so much. We have never been able to leave dd overnight before because we have no family near, and we are both pretty worn out for various reasons.

So far, so good, but then yesterday MIL's mother had a bad fall and was taken into hospital. She has deteriorated rapidly and we have just heard this evening that there is to be a family meeting at the hospital on Tuesday to make decisions about how much intervention there should be if she continues to refuse to eat etc etc. Obviously MIL wants to be there with her brother and sisters for this meeting. The hospital is a long journey away and will involve her being out from lunchtime on Tuesday till late evening. She has told us we are not to miss our little trip, and she has arranged for SIL to come over on Tuesday to help FIL look after dd while she's away.

I don't for a second want her to not go to the meeting. And it's very kind of her to make alternative arrangements for dd's care, and very kind of SIL to agree to step in. But I just feel really unhappy about leaving dd with FIL and SIL. FIL means well but is quite clueless. SIL has a dd the same age as my daughter, but she has a very different approach to parenting - quite impatient, doesn't like changing nappies, gives her dd a bottle of milk with rice in for breakfast because it's 'quicker' etc etc. But most importantly, dd just doesn't really know her. MIL has spent time the last few days getting to know dd's routine, reading her stories etc etc so that dd is comfortable being left with her. SIL was not expecting to be looking after dd, so although she was here yesterday afternoon and this morning, dd hasn't really got to know her.

MIL would be mortified if we didn't make our trip to the coast. And I absolutely don't want her to miss her important family meeting. But I dread to think how dd is going to feel being left with FIL and SIL. I keep imagining her crying because her food/routine/bedtime scenario is different and she's wondering where mummy and daddy are, and who these strange people are who are trying to put her to bed in a place she's only just getting familiar with. I can't sleep for worrying about it, but I can't see a way out of this. Any wise words welcome, or even just a bunch of you telling me to stop being so bloody selfish and daft would probably help me snap out of it. Thanks.

Sorry so long.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 25/12/2011 22:26

How does your husband feel, as it sounds like his grandma is seriously ill.

SantasStrapon · 25/12/2011 22:27

I wouldn't go, sorry. I couldn't leave an 18 month old with people she basically doesn't know. And I would imagine your DH would rather be close at hand?

GooKingWenceslas · 25/12/2011 22:28

I'm sorry but I don't think I'd go.

Maybe I'd go for the dinner, but I wouldn't go for 24 hours, leaving my DC with someone they didn't know. I wouldn't enjoy it, it wouldn't be relaxing and would be pointless going.

Xmas Sad
Flisspaps · 25/12/2011 22:29

I wouldn't go. If you do go you'll spend so much time worrying about DD that you won't enjoy yourself or relax anyway.

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 25/12/2011 22:29

I wouldn't go
You can have dinner out anytime
Your dh should stay with his family and go to the meeting imo

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 25/12/2011 22:31

Can't you just take your DD with you? Or else not go at all?would your DH be able to enjoy it while worrying abot his grandmother being so ill?

BandOMothers · 25/12/2011 22:31

I wouldn't go....to keep MIL from worrying you can just say that no way would you put anyone out and all you can think of is DH worrying about his Gran and that you wont ant to go now..

squeakytoy · 25/12/2011 22:35

If there is a restaurant near to where you are staying, go there with your husband, after your MIL gets back from the meeting, and ask her to have your daughter in with her, and take over in the morning then you can have your lie in.

Going away overnight is going to be a worry for you,and if sadly, the worst happens while you are away it will be stressful for all of you too.

DingDongQuintessentialNight · 25/12/2011 22:40

I wouldnt go. Sorry.

Your dhs grandma is seriously ill. It would be quite tactless to go actually when this lumbers family your baby sitting issues.

Either take her with you or just go for a meal near the home.

StealthPolarBear · 25/12/2011 22:42

can you make it a very different trip, I realise, but take your DD with you?

AllGoodNamesGone · 25/12/2011 22:45

I wouldn't go either, though I can remember how much a lie in meant to me when mine were that age :(

You won't enjoy yourselves if you are not completely relaxed about leaving your DD, so either take her, or stay where you are.

RichTeaAreCrap · 25/12/2011 22:48

I wouldn't go either. You need to be around to support your MIL and your DH. I also think that your DH should be near his mum incase anything happens - she will feel much better knowing he is there to support her I would think.

You can go away anytime, but your DH may regret it if he is away and his grandma is still so ill, he will spend all his time worrying.

Your DH's grandma does sound very ill and I think DH should be with his mum and go to the meeting too.

I hope she gets better and makes a recovery.

eurochick · 25/12/2011 22:49

Another one who wouldn't go here. You will just be stressing the whole time you are there about your daughter and your GMiL so you wouldn't enjoy it anyway (or at least I know I wouldn't in your shoes).

Original poster
Rhubarbgarden · 25/12/2011 22:55

I'd rather cancel. I will indeed just spend the time worrying. But dh does because he knows his mum would be v upset and feel responsible if we don't go. His gran is very old and has no quality of life anymore and the conversation at dinner tonight was that it would be for the best if she doesn't linger. We are all going to visit her in the morning. But despite this, perhaps even more because of it being a sad Christmas and stressful for his mum, he wants to go and doesn't want his mum to be upset by us not going. I don't want to add to the upset and would rather go along with want they want, but I'm so uneasy about leaving dd in these circumstances! We can't take her with us because a) MIL knows the whole point of the trip is a break from childcare and time with each other, so it would upset her as much as us cancelling, and b) it isn't a child friendly hotel/restaurant.

OP posts:
fallenpetal · 25/12/2011 22:56

Hmmm I wouldnt have a problem leaving Dc for a few hours, it sounds like you desperately need a little time out, not sure I could leave over night though. Im surprised your other half doesnt want to go to the meeting to support mum. Maybe you should go with and then maybe have a family meal after ? I dunno tough call, hope it works out ok what ever x

Original poster
Rhubarbgarden · 25/12/2011 23:03

Richtea we can't go away any time. This is the first opportunity we've had since dd was born, as dh's family are abroad and my family don't like toddlers (let's not get into that particular can of worms!). This is why everyone wants us to go on our trip and why MIL will be upset if we don't go.

OP posts:
Zipitydooda · 25/12/2011 23:05

Perhaps they could babysit for you instead so you could go out for a bit and dinner and they could get up with your DD in the morning so you can have a lie-in for as long as you want?

You wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy yourselves properly away from her anyway.

squeakytoy · 25/12/2011 23:06

If you do go, then your daughter WILL be fine. Ok, it may not be the routine she is used to, but she will be perfectly safe and cared for by her family.

It will only be a few hours with her Aunt and her Grandad, and then your MIL will be back to her too.

YuleingFanjo · 25/12/2011 23:07

Can you take DD with you? I would do that, still have the night away but with DD there too.

Original poster
Rhubarbgarden · 25/12/2011 23:08

Dh isn't supposed to be going to the family meeting - it's MIL and her siblings (there are many) and the doctors.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 25/12/2011 23:12

Can you put it off until Wednesday?

Bluebell99 · 25/12/2011 23:12

I would just take your dd with you. I didn't leave my children overnight until they were much older - they were nine and seven years old, when my dh and I attended a corporate event and my mil babysat. I wouldn't have left them at 18 months with relatives they hardly know.

saladsandwich · 25/12/2011 23:14

could you not leave as late as possible for the meal, then there is only a few hours to be covered really as your little one be going to bed then get back early morning time??

specialagentmeh · 25/12/2011 23:17

Still wouldn't go. Just don't see how it would be enjoyable at all whilst worrying about your DD. Agree with those who have suggested dinner & a lie in as a compromise.

If this is the first time trying a child free break, you go & your dd is very disrupted & becomes clingy as a result you aren't going to fancy doing it again.

Original poster
Rhubarbgarden · 25/12/2011 23:27

Boffinmum I wish we could but we have to set off back to the UK the next day.

Salad we may be able to do something along those lines. It's dd's bedtime routine that most worries me though. But maybe we can persuade the restaurant to move our dinner booking to the latest possible slot or something. We stay to put dd to bed early, then drive like the clappers across the country (night driving on the wrong side of the road - ick, but do-able).

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread