Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother should have offered to help?

39 replies

mosschops30 · 25/12/2011 21:17

We invited her down to stay and my ILs had us all over for drinks, lunch and dinner today.
After every meal she just got down from the table and sat down. Me and dh did all the dishes for the ILs, made a cuppa, dh tidied up etc.

Now i wouldnt expect her to make a drink or tidy up someone elses house, but to not even offer to clear the plates is just plain rude to me.
She spent a lot of time talking about whatever she wanted to say, over the top of everyone else, moaned throughout the games when she wasnt winning.

We are doing it all again tomorrow as we go back over the ILs for chips, turkey and pickles.

Am utterly exhausted and embarrassed. I dont know whether to apologise to the ILs or not?

OP posts:
sharenicely · 25/12/2011 21:20

What have you said to your mother?

hiddenhome · 25/12/2011 21:21

Don't take her tomorrow. If she can't behave herself then she can't really expect invites to people's houses. Just phone her and make an excuse why she can't go.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 25/12/2011 21:21

Nothing i am just very short with her, dh says just leave it but im deffo a bit pissed off with her

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 25/12/2011 21:22

But hidden then she will be sat in her hotel all day, she lives 200 miles away so not an option

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 25/12/2011 21:23

If you are comfortable enough to offer to make a brew, say "come on mother, you can help me"

Put her on the spot, without it being too rude.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 25/12/2011 21:24

I just cant believe anyone would think they should be waited on like that!

Even when we go to friends for dinner i always offer to help clear up, so when someone invites you into their family day for xmas you would make an effort, no?

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 25/12/2011 21:24

Well, let her sit in the hotel. It's won't do her any harm. She can moan at the tv and drink the mini bar all day Smile You need to tell her she's making it stressful for you.

Haziedoll · 25/12/2011 21:24

Going against the grain here but I wouldn't expect her to help. She is a guest in their home and she isn't part of their family I would find it more odd if she did offer to help, she wouldn't know where anything is and might not do it their way.

skybluepearl · 25/12/2011 21:26

just pass her a tea towel and say 'here you go mum, the stuff for drying is over there' or 'I'm dehydrated, just pop the switch on the kettle mum and stick a tea bag in the pot'

DaisySteiner · 25/12/2011 21:26

I sympathise. We've had exactly the same situation today with my MIL, except you can add to this the fact that dh has got a chest infection, I've got a streaming cold with the added joy of diarrhoea. We have literally staggered around trying to make it as nice as possible for everyone while she has been waited on. I don't understand how people can behave like this Angry

Haziedoll · 25/12/2011 21:27

Unreasonable of her to talk over people and moan, that is rude.

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 25/12/2011 21:28

Agree with squeaky, make it light-hearted.

She might not have felt the need to offer to clean up if you and DH were already doing it?

Quite right that the children do the running around clearing up etc while the parents put their feet up and eat all the quality street

BandOMothers · 25/12/2011 21:28

Agree with Hazie If my MIL came to my Mums, she wouldn't be ecpected to help....yes...it IS nice to offer...but your Mum never...I think you are overreacting big time.

squeakytoy · 25/12/2011 21:30

Of course she is part of the family! She is the MIL of the hosts son, and the mother of the hosts DIL.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 25/12/2011 21:31

But surely you agree its polite to offer? Just to say 'do you need a hand' wouldve been enough

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 25/12/2011 21:36

So tomorrow you say, "Come on mum, we'll do the dishes, eh?"

Then when she's monopolising the conversation, just change the subject. Act as though she's an unruly child and your job is to make sure she behaves herself.

Don't say anything to her directly - she'll go into a major sulk and it will be uncomfortable tomorrow.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 25/12/2011 21:39

But i think she'd moan if i asked her and that would be more embarrasing. Me and dh were sitting with the ILs packing up the dcs stuff, my mum was sat with dd in the front room, i went and said we're ready to go and she said 'oh do i have to im just watching strictly' Hmm

OP posts:
Kellogg · 25/12/2011 21:43

I would not expect a guest to help me in my own home.

Haziedoll · 25/12/2011 21:45

I'm not sure I agree Squeaky I don't consider my family to be family of dh's family (I've said family too many times!!Grin). I know that they don't consider themselves to be "family". They don't dislike each other, they just don't really see each other.

Thinking about it, apart from close family I don't think I offer to help when I go to lunch at someone else's house and I don't think any of my friends offer to help when they have come here either. I'm always awkward in other peoples domain and I hate people in my kitchen so it's easier to do it myself. If I need help, I'm not afraid to ask and I hope people feel they can ask me if they need to.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 25/12/2011 21:46

No kellog me neither and when guests ask i normally say 'no dont be silly dh will do it later'
What im saying is she should have offered as i think its polite when someone is providing you with 2 meals, endless drinks and dishes from 8 people

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 25/12/2011 21:47

I would expect a guest to help out - I have enough on my plate and am not a slave! All my guests are friends/family and would want to support me.

BastedTurkey · 25/12/2011 21:48

I would not expect a guest to help, but would always offer if I were a guest.

If a guest offered to help in my house I would in all likelihood decline.

squeakytoy · 25/12/2011 21:49

Thing is though Hazie, most people I know, if they go to someone elses house as a guest, relative or not, its polite to say "can I do anything to help".. 9 times out of 10 a host will say no, but its the offering that matters.

My family is only very small, so I would be fighting my Mum and my MIL out of MY kitchen as they would both be under my feet trying to help Grin

Original poster
mosschops30 · 25/12/2011 21:50

Thats exactly what i think bastedturkey

OP posts:
Kellogg · 25/12/2011 21:50

I can see the point, however I would not be annoyed if someone did not offer to help. Christmas is one of the few times a year I get to run my home as I would wish and be the kind of mother and partner/wife I would like to be so I am happy to do so unaided by guests.