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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mother should have offered to help?

39 replies

mosschops30 · 25/12/2011 21:17

We invited her down to stay and my ILs had us all over for drinks, lunch and dinner today.
After every meal she just got down from the table and sat down. Me and dh did all the dishes for the ILs, made a cuppa, dh tidied up etc.

Now i wouldnt expect her to make a drink or tidy up someone elses house, but to not even offer to clear the plates is just plain rude to me.
She spent a lot of time talking about whatever she wanted to say, over the top of everyone else, moaned throughout the games when she wasnt winning.

We are doing it all again tomorrow as we go back over the ILs for chips, turkey and pickles.

Am utterly exhausted and embarrassed. I dont know whether to apologise to the ILs or not?

OP posts:

Original poster

mosschops30 · 25/12/2011 21:51

Does anyone think i should apologise to the ILs once my mother has gone home?
I cant imagine what they think [shame]

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 25/12/2011 21:52

I would, I would just say "sorry about my mother, she is a bit of a nightmare guest isnt she" and make it light hearted.

AllGoodNamesGone · 25/12/2011 21:54

Is this out of character for her? A relative of mine was a bit like this one Christmas and I was getting really frustrated with her but it turned out she was having a really tough time at work and feeling really down and, I guess, just couldn't face picking up a T-towel as well as fixing a smile on her face for the duration of the festivities. Not that this excuses it completely but might be an explanation if it's unusual for your mum.

Haziedoll · 25/12/2011 21:57

I don't know Mosschops, this thread shows that everyone has different expectations and views on manners. They might be seething like you and think she is a rude woman or they might be like me and wonder what you are apologising for. Also she is a grown woman, you are not responsible for her and you haven't done anything wrong so you don't have to apologise, but having said that I think you should do what makes you feel most comfortable.

Kellogg · 25/12/2011 22:00

I think the point is that your mother should know you well enough to know if you want or need help. So she is BU

JinglePosyPerkin · 25/12/2011 22:09

I agree with BastedTurkey. My ILs are coming to us tomorrow for Christmas Day number 2 (it's a tradition) and I really hope they don't offer to help.

IDontDoIroning · 25/12/2011 22:22

Sorry but do you have both your mother and your pil in your house, why would you expect your dm to help but not your mil? They are both guests in your house. Both should help or none.
The monopolising the conversation etc is a different matter.

flibbertywidget · 25/12/2011 22:24

I have this issue when ILs come to stay from France. PIL does f all. MIL helps a little. DH tells me it is because it is not a done thing to "Help" - whereas I think it is a bit rude not to offer. I think different generations expect different things

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/12/2011 22:59

I think the 'talking over' might be down to feeling uneasy at not being on familiar territory, perhaps. I think some mothers find it very hard not to be the 'Queen Bee' of Christmas. It is rude though.

As far as tidying up goes, I wouldn't let my mum do it. She would have had years of it when we were children and myself and DH would have tackled the washing up/tidying up leave PILs and mother to sit down. We probably would have roped in other younger family members though.

cantspel · 26/12/2011 01:03

You invited her down to stay and yet she is in a hotel?

Why, surely if you invite her to stay then she stays with you in your home.

Yulewithadragontattoo · 26/12/2011 01:52

Don't apologise. Your mother isn't obliged to help. Actually a lot of people don't like guests helping; if your mum is one then she may think she's doing MIL a favour by not helping. You could always ask her to help if you really want her to. But it sounds like MIL was fine and already had plenty of help. Your mum may not have behaved as you would have but her behaviour is nothing to apologise for.

iscream · 26/12/2011 05:34

Yes, it would be polite for your dm to have offered, but you and your dh were helpful, and I am sure your mil appreciated that. You could mention on the way over tomorrow that "MIL has worked so hard, I thought we should make sure she can sit and relax today and all of us can chip in and help".

This reminds me, I need to -a thank-you to my ds's gf, she really pitched in and helped today!

TopazMortmain · 26/12/2011 06:06

Personally I never would expect a guest to offer to help, even my mother. They are guests!

I can't understand why you are so upset.

FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 26/12/2011 06:35

XMIL did my nut yesterday by insisting on interfuckingfering helping.

Seriously, I nearly killed her with laser death eye glares.

People are weird.

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