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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how you avoid confrontation without being a pushover?

37 replies

RussellGrantUniversity · 23/12/2011 21:01

i'd really like to know.

OP posts:
KittyFane · 23/12/2011 21:07

More info please! Depends on the situation!

sitandnatter · 23/12/2011 21:07

Use assertive training techniques.

One is the stuck record technique. Each time you are asked something say "Sorry I can't help you on this occasion". They ask again you say "Sorry I can't help you on this occasion" and keep going. If you don't give an excuse but repeat a refusal statement the person asking runs out of steam.

Perhaps if you give the specific problem posters can give more tailored advice.

RoughShooting · 23/12/2011 21:10

You are pleasant, sometimes do people favours but sometimes are unavailable, and don't have weirdos as friends who expect more from you than it's normal to expect!

KittyFane · 23/12/2011 21:15

If it's about saying 'no' to a request then my response is to smile regretfully and say 'oh, I'm so sorry, I can't do xyz, I have made other plans'. If people rudely persist say 'I'm really sorry, I just can't this time. I hope you can sort it out'

KatieScarlettsCrackers · 23/12/2011 21:17

say no and don't explain

and smile

Yulewithadragontattoo · 23/12/2011 21:17

Heading stuff off at the pass so situations don't develop.

aldiwhore · 23/12/2011 21:20

I usually say "Oh AWKWARD, move on" and grin... they may think I'm a loon, but the confrontation stops, and everyone knows there would have been one, so knows my stance without words.

troisgarcons · 23/12/2011 21:20

flip it back - I find a wide grin and the mantra "I'm sure you're right" serves to wind people up immensly - but they can't say or do anything because you aren't being rude.

Deafworm · 23/12/2011 21:23

Watching with interest, after years of bending over backwards dh has started standing up to his family and it's not pleasant at the moment!

KittyFane · 23/12/2011 21:24

I have a relative who always says
"what are you doing on such and such a date"
I have been caught out many times by replying "nothing, why?" thinking that maybe she wants to meet up.
No, she then goes on to say "oh great, then can you look after the dogs/cats/children?"
I now reply "why do you ask, I'll have to check the calendar" even though I know I've got nothing on, practically ever!
Pffft.

TheSecondComing · 23/12/2011 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PacificDogwood · 23/12/2011 21:25

Stuck record is good.

As is being aware of the fact that 'no' is a complete sentence - I try and avoid 'sorry' when I am not sorry ie 'I am unable to do xyz' rather than 'I am sorry I cannot do xyz'.

Remaining friendly with non-threatening eye contact, open body language and a vague non-smile kinda smile helps too.

I also love, love, love the old MN thing of saying with a jolly laugh 'goodness, did not mean to be rude there, or did it just slip out?' when somebody keeps pushing.

What situation do you need to be assertive in? At work? With family? Partner?? Do expand.

aquashiv · 23/12/2011 21:25

Laughing usually works

Whatmeworry · 23/12/2011 21:28

Don't avoid confrontation, just always be polite and firm.

One of my great lessons in my 20's was travelling around Europe with some S Africans, they were just absolutely upfront people and all sorts of situations went away. It's amazing how many things can be resolved with non hostile but firm confrontation.

Deafworm · 23/12/2011 21:43

Anything for the thicker skinned? We've tried repetition, we've tried outright saying no, it just falls on deaf ears. Hope you don't mind my slight highjack Russell?

jari · 23/12/2011 21:51

If you have a problem with getting interrupted, I love starting from the start of the sentence again and repeating everything slightly slower. If they're really bad, then say 'can I finish my sentence please?' and keep going back to the start of your sentence. Once they realise that no matter how much they talk you'll just keep going back to the start of the sentence that they're interrupting, then they'll listen to you, though it might take a while for the message to get through.

If you've been bending over backwards for years, expect people to ignore you when you confront them. Don't be dissuaded, just keep at it. Having a partner to back you up helps loads- when I was just learning how to confront people in a healthy manner, I asked someone to 'go away for a couple of minutes'. They completely ignored me, at which point my OH leaned over and said "look, go away, we'll talk to you when we're ready to", at which point she scarpered :) She now listens to me most the time when I confront her.

Also, expect things to get worse before they get better. People who have manipulated you to bend over backwards for them won't let that control go without a fight. It is DEFINITELY worth it though!

Confrontation is NOT shouting and screaming. It is looking people in the eye and saying no, not giving excuses and not changing your mind and not accepting them talk over you.

Deafworm · 23/12/2011 22:05

See I'm absolutely convinced this will turn into screaming and shouting, on their side at least. Over years I learnt to deal with my mum and now she knows my boundaries and discusses rather than tells. My inlaws are another matter, they manipulate and lie, tell half truths, the bits that make them look good, and sulk when they don't get their own way. They are happy to cut off their nose to spite their face in order to 'win'. We ask if it's convenient for us to visit them, they tell us they're coming whether we like it or not! Just found out I'm pg with dc4 which will cause hell and I want to avoid a long drawn out battle to get them to respect our boundaries!

Deafworm · 23/12/2011 22:06

Sorry Russell I'm hoping any answers I get may be useful to you, if not tell me to get lost out of your thread and I shall take my hijack with me Xmas Grin

skybluepearl · 23/12/2011 22:56

I have just been doing a fab short course of CBT for PND recently. Learning to assert myself has been a big part in enabling me not to take too much on.

I now say 'I'll think about it and get back to you tomorrow' - and later I text to say no. You can say it nicely and don't have to give a reason why.

It's important to be assertive without being aggressive. Agressive behaviour creates a win-loose situation. Aim to be respectful, polite, calm, fair, open and honest.

  1. Listen to what is being said. Show that you hear and understand their point of view even if you don't agree with it. Doing this sends a mesg that they and their opinions matter.

  2. Use the words I THINK and I FEEL to explain your side

  3. Explain what you want to happen.

jari · 23/12/2011 23:13

"See I'm absolutely convinced this will turn into screaming and shouting, on their side at least"

Let it. That's not your problem. Saying something along the lines of "ok, we'll discuss this at another time when you've calmed down and are able to talk reasonably" and then ending the conversation (hang the phone up, leave the room) is an adult, mature thing to do in those circumstances.

If you say anything, then you MUST follow it through. So if they say 'we're coming down on ....' then say "I'll check the calendar" and if you're busy then say "sorry, we're busy that day" and then make sure you're busy that day. If you just don't want them, then say "sorry that's not convenient that day". If they ask why, don't give excuses because it's none of their business. If you say you're busy then they turn up anyway and you smile and let them in then they'll get the message that that's acceptable behaviour for the future. Treat them like 5 year olds, basically, because that's what their mental age is.

Good pointers skybluepearl.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 23/12/2011 23:29

What most of it boils down to, right at the heart of it, is that some people are frightened of "Making A Scene" and some people aren't. You need to be one of the people who could just about care less if a scene is caused. It can be pretty traumatic and upsetting for someone who is shy/quiet/self effacing/was raised not to Make A Scene, but once you get the hang of not caring what hypothetically passing by stranger "Other People" think, it can be very liberating. Just sit and think about it - what is the Very Worst that can happen if you do XYZ? (in opposition to whoever is putting pressure on you) The answer, with all due consideration, is usually not a right lot other than a Scene may be Caused. Get past that and you've cracked it.

Whatmeworry · 23/12/2011 23:42

What most of it boils down to, right at the heart of it, is that some people are frightened of "Making A Scene" and some people aren't

I think thats it - if you made it clear you are totally up for a scene that's the battle nearly won.

Original poster
RussellGrantUniversity · 23/12/2011 23:44

Thank you for your replies.

Deafworm - hijack away Xmas Smile

OP posts:
jari · 23/12/2011 23:49

I mostly agree but want to add something- don't make the scene yourself. Say what you need to say in the politest way possible, and let the other person make the scene. It's not your problem if they make themselves look stupid. Just as you wouldn't reward your DD throwing a tantrum by buying her something, don't reward the "adult" you're talking to by giving in just because they're throwing a tantrum.

MynameisnotEarl · 24/12/2011 14:49

I find if things have escalated and the other person does make a scene, it's helpful to say 'I'm not having this conversation with you' and walk away or resume what I was doing. It either stops them in their tracks or they continue making a twat of themselves

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