to ask how you avoid confrontation without being a pushover?

[RussellGrantUniversity]

i'd really like to know.

Watching this thread with interest. I get the not wanting to "make a scene" thing. Definitely putting yourself in a situation where if a scene is made, the other person is seen to be the culprit. And learning to say "no" is very liberating. Worth practicing with less important things...I started by saying no when the lady ona the till in Tesco asked for my clubcard! Once people get used to hearing "no" from you it does get easier. Also like others have said, I think it is best not to justify yourself, because they will always find a way to invalidate your justification. Sometimes you get pushed for a reason that they consider good enough. Then you can use "I just can't talk about it" or "it's private" or "it's personal". Most people will back off with those (but might go on to speculate behind your back)!

The stuck record is good idea as sitandnatter suggested, my therapist says so too, yet to try it out.

Use lots of I statements.

Still very much a novice, this thread helps me too. as many others have.

I tend to be far too accommodating, so saying 'no' is not easy.

However, as someone mentioned below, I am learning to say 'let me think about it and I'll get back to you' so I am not ambushed (and then do my ingrained knee-jerk response of 'of course, I can do that/help out' etc.). Buy yourself time so you can think about things, and then you can respond in a way that suits you.

Another point is to say 'no' (pleasantly). Do not feel obliged to offer an excuse or justification. If you give reasons for your reply, it opens the door for people to argue back/attempt to persuade/try to find a solution so that you comply with their position.

Some aggressive/confrontational people try to provoke a response, perhaps in an attempt to score points, or bully you into doing what they want. Of course, everyone wants to come up with the perfect put-'em-in-their-place 'zinger' response, but in reality, people who push you to your limits are rarely put in their place. Escalation doesn't bother them at all - so often best to repeat the mantra 'do not engage' to keep your sanity and protect yourself.

Sometimes, I simply don't respond at all (nasty emails, etc). Remember 'do not engage, do not engage'. Engaging in the conversation prolongs it, and gives the opportunity for escalation.

These are big life lessons.

Perfect timing. My extremely abusive brother phoned today. I was busy. (I was talking to my GF for 10 mins before she started work)

The conversation went something like this:
me: Hi
Him: Hi
me: can I call you back in 10 minutes, I'm busy now
him: no blah blah blah
me: I'm going to call you back in 10 minutes, I'm busy now hang up

He rings me back straight away. My GF wisely advised me not to answer it...
I answered it (didnt want the voicemail)
him: You listen to me
me: (cutting him off): No, I'm busy, I'll phone you back in 10 minutes hang up

called him back in 10 minutes once GF was in work.

me: hi
him: hi, what were you doing
me: I was busy
him (threatening): look, you're going to tell me what you were doing
me: No, actually, it's none of your business
he started shouting and swearing as he does. once he almost calms down to talking again: i could understand if you were in hospital or something like that*, but if you're not even going to tell me then .....

*and this is why you MUST NOT give an excuse. What you are/were doing is none of their business, you consider it more important than what they want you to do, and they need to get over it.

I can't (and dont particularly want to) recall the rest of the conversation word for word. As well as shouting and swearing, he also used emotional blackmail ("look, I've been going round for 2 hours, missed 2 appointments and am running late for a train to get your christmas present...."), told me I was high and mighty- the works really. I'm not getting a christmas present off him, apparently (I wasn't expecting one and only got him one to keep my parents happy). He's a bit schizophrenic so I suspect I'll end up with something small though.

In the past he's also been really really nice to me (when trying to borrow a couple of thousand pounds to commit fraud with...) which set off just as many warning bells.

I think it's easier for me as I'm a guy (and had to grow up with that ^). My GF is getting pretty damned good at saying no though- it's a skill after all. When I first met her she said yes to everything and couldn't stand up for herself at all (crap parents) Now she can actually say "no, I've made plans". Still gives excuses when pressed but I point this out to her and it's getting better- in 6 months she'll be able to withstand my brother on a bad day, lol.

Start small- say "no" when the lady asks for your nectar card, never give excuses unless you want to and before you know it you'll be much more relaxed :)

This is such a useful thread, thanks all

Imo, this is a useful holiday thread - with all the family dynamics going on (functional and dysfunctional), so thought I'd bump!

Why would you want to avoid confrontation? It's a necessary part of life.

Bonsoir - many of us have experienced confrontation with bullies or people who don't 'play fair' (families can be the worst for this because so much is at stake emotionally).

Many of us don't experience confrontation as healthy, or as a way of resolving issues because of those bullies (or emotional blackmailers, or fill in the blank dysfunctional folks) in our lives.

A thread like this is a helpful guide for emerging relatively unscathed from conflict/confrontation (with dignity and principals intact) without having situations escalate, or without caving in to unreasonable demands just to keep the peace.

I've been learning to say 'no' to my unreasonable mother - and it's working. It took me a long time though.

I read a book on assertiveness years ago - the only bit I remember is 'step over the bleeding bodies of your family'. It's helpful to remember when the wheedling starts.

She's got a black belt in emotional blackmail - and it doesn't work on me any more.

Reminds me of the friends episode where Phoebe says
"Oh I wish I could, but I don't want to!"
when Ross asks her to go somewhere with him.
I find smiling and saying "actually, I'd rather not / rather you didn't!" works quite well.
The smile is the important part as is direct unflinching eye contact, it disarms even the most persistent of people.