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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

annoyed at Mother in Law

37 replies

tryitandsee · 23/12/2011 14:55

Well, My baby is due any day now and my partner announces he is going out his Mother for a drink Christmas Eve ( she is on her own now as her husband died 3 years ago). He reckons to be back around midnight. If this wasn't bad enough he now tells me he is going shopping with her that afternoon too!.
He has already helped her with Christmas Shopping on 4 separate occasions this month already.
He does have a sister who visits their mum two three times a week . Am i being unreasonable to expect him to be with his own family for the majority of Christmas Eve?. Considering the baby is due should she not be saying to him that his place is at home with his own family?. She already has him going to her house twice a week for his dinner as it is. He works night 10-6 and sleeps till 4 Monday through Saturday mornings so we don't get to see him awake that much ourselves.
I have tackled him about it and he gets really defensive. Do you think i should say something to his mother?. Surely she must realise that it's not on to expect him to escort her around at this time?.

OP posts:

belindarose · 23/12/2011 14:56

I think your annoyance should be directed at him, not your MIL.

Annpan88 · 23/12/2011 14:57

He sounds like a lovely son. YABU

Tortington · 23/12/2011 14:59

baby= its not like its going to slide out and land on the floor in a ball of surprise.

this isnt the issue and you know it

the issue is he spends more time at his mothers than is normal.

if you have a braincell in your head - you will encourage this then he cn take the baby to hers and you will get to have a bath

even if she is a huge arse, she can be useful

Kayano · 23/12/2011 14:59

YABU.

Should he not leave the house through the festive season/ til baby is born.

You would have something to say if he was going out for a drink after the baby was born and not helping etc.

She is on her own and he sounds like a lovely son

fuzzywuzzy · 23/12/2011 15:01

Why don't you join them & have fun?

slavetofilofax · 23/12/2011 15:02

YANBU, but presumably the fact that he is a Mummy's Boy isn't new news to you?

I really couldn't be doing with a man that was so attached to his mothers apron strings that he goes out shopping and drinking with her and goes to hers alone for dinner twice a week.

This is only going to get worse when the baby's born, you need to develop some strategies!

Sparklyxmasballs · 23/12/2011 15:04

I think yabu sorry. I have MIL issues but TBH your DP is looking out for his mother who's is alone and your annoyed about it? agree with belinda if your going to be annoyed then direct to him but think about what you would do if it was your mother or you in (hopefully) a good few years time? would you like your child to turn its back on you if you needed them?

This will prob be his last Xmas eve to go out before the baby arrives and takes over so let him have some fun and spend time with his mum.

My DH works long hours and when he is home is mostly sleeping but if his mother was alone (thankfully she is not) then I would not begrude him helping her. Better idea how about inviting a lonely lady to your house for drinks and nibbles on Xmas Eve? make it a tradition mayb? try helping her set up internet shopping or you go shopping with her when your not ready to drop!

Sparklyxmasballs · 23/12/2011 15:05

meant hopefuly would be a long time until your alone not hopefully you would be alone d'uh!

SantasENormaSnob · 23/12/2011 15:05

yanbu

That much time is odd imo.

I would be pissed with him though, not his mother.

Are you not invited?

Original poster

tryitandsee · 23/12/2011 15:05

Well, i guess i will be explaining to our 4 year old just what a nice supportive man daddy
is spending Christmas Eve on the lash with Grandma!

OP posts:

Tortington · 23/12/2011 15:07

he should deffo take 4 yr old

Kayano · 23/12/2011 15:09

He is taking her shopping. Surely they won't be on the lash until
After your 4 year old should be in bed?

It's not your mil fault it's his! Did you say no to him or just say ok and sit and seethe at mil?

Presumably he will be there for Christmas morning?

slavetofilofax · 23/12/2011 15:10

What's your relationship like with her? Why wouldn't she come to you on Christmas Eve or have you and your dd there for dinner during the week with him?

Annpan88 · 23/12/2011 15:11

He'll be there for christmas won't he? Christmas eve itself isn't really a holiday. And yes, explain it to your son that he's with his grandma (maybe leave out the 'lash' bit ) its a good example to set, that you cherish all members of your family even when they've finished raising you and especially when they're alone.

If you were ever in that situation in many years (and I hope you won't be) maybe your son would follow his fathers example?

roundcornsilkvirgin · 23/12/2011 15:11

OP I think YANBU.

AbbyAbsinthe · 23/12/2011 15:12

If I'm honest, I wouldn't like this either. I think it's a bit much to spend Christmas Eve with your mum when you have a partner at home.

However.... he is being a good son to his mother.

Sparklyxmasballs · 23/12/2011 15:12

didn't see you had a 4 year old. In which case then definatly invite her to yours unless there is more back story to this?

Personally I would hate to be hung over on Xmas day (Reminds me of my 18 yr old self too much!)

Explain you would like to start some family traditions on Xmas eve and he is welcome to invite his mother but you would appreciate a family evening before the mad rush on Xmas day.

roundcornsilkvirgin · 23/12/2011 15:13

he should be helping the OP with putting his ds to bed etc. His MIL sounds a bit needy.

AbbyAbsinthe · 23/12/2011 15:13

Oh hang on - another one skim reading here

You have a 4 year old?? And he wants to go out on Christmas Eve until midnight? No, I wouldn't be happy about that at ALL.

NinkyNonker · 23/12/2011 15:16

Yanbu. You and your children should come first. He could invite her over if necessary?

mmmerangue · 23/12/2011 15:16

YANBU in my opinion, does he not have friends his own age? Does SHE not have friends she can spend quality time with? Seems odd to me that he spends that much time with her, although it is nice that they are close.

Christmas time is family time, can't she come and have a drink at your house on Christmas eve if she is lonely? Are you not a part of 'their' family too? Ok you probably aren't drinking, but you can be celebratory in spirit too?

And when her grandchild arrives will she want to see her son alone still, or with the baby? If its the former you will have a lot less of your husband, as he has an excuse to avoid the madness, if it's the latter then it's a nice break for you and if you're not sure don't mention anything until you know ;)

dublinmom · 23/12/2011 15:17

YANBU.

I think he should be home with you and your DD on Christmas eve -- I would think that even if there wasn't a baby on the way, but especially since there is.

I'm suprised at any reaction other than that. He has helped his mum (quite a lot, it seems). He has been out during the festive season. You don't see hime much, you are expecting a baby, it's christmas. He should definitely stay home, at least in the evening.

Original poster

tryitandsee · 23/12/2011 15:19

I have had words with him about it. MIL likes to go out for a drink and doesn't think coming to ours is exciting enough. However , she is always saying he has to make more effort to support his family to my face so i find it odd she thinks it's OK to monopolize his time on Christmas Eve when she knows im due and have a high risk pregnancy. Im well aware he needs to cut the apron strings more and i do generally get on with her. I didn't expect her to to suggest yet another shopping trip as well. The drink is one thing and yes, the kids will be in bed but even his own sister remarked about how her mother is not thinking about me and will see plenty of other people Christmas Eve.

OP posts:

pippala · 23/12/2011 15:21

I have to agree with the OP as I would also be annoyed.
If my DH went to his DM twice a week for dinner I would also be fed up.
Seems to me he puts his mothers feelings before his own wifes.
He seems to me to be the unreasonable one, what a mummies boy!
But I would also be angry with MIL for having that hold over him.

mmmerangue · 23/12/2011 15:21

I didn't see the bit about having a 4yo either.

In that case he should be home with you in the evening to put our treats for Santa, MIL should not be around for drinks. Maybe he can pop in for a cuppa in the daytime.

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