annoyed at Mother in Law

[tryitandsee]

Well, My baby is due any day now and my partner announces he is going out his Mother for a drink Christmas Eve ( she is on her own now as her husband died 3 years ago). He reckons to be back around midnight. If this wasn't bad enough he now tells me he is going shopping with her that afternoon too!.
He has already helped her with Christmas Shopping on 4 separate occasions this month already.
He does have a sister who visits their mum two three times a week . Am i being unreasonable to expect him to be with his own family for the majority of Christmas Eve?. Considering the baby is due should she not be saying to him that his place is at home with his own family?. She already has him going to her house twice a week for his dinner as it is. He works night 10-6 and sleeps till 4 Monday through Saturday mornings so we don't get to see him awake that much ourselves.
I have tackled him about it and he gets really defensive. Do you think i should say something to his mother?. Surely she must realise that it's not on to expect him to escort her around at this time?.

Yanbu it boils down to priorities. At special times of year and your lives together, his priority should be to support his family and have fun with you guys.
I've got to say that, although she is on her own, she is taking up a fair bit of his time and must know that's unfair. He has a family of his own now and needs to cut those apron strings. MIL may be alone, but surely she has friends and a life of her own.
Slavetofilofax is right when she mentions developing some strategies to avoid this becoming a bigger issue in your marriage.
A MILs demands can be difficult to deal with. It isn't for anyone to tell you that what you feel is wrong. I would and have at times felt the same.
I would avoid speaking to MIL about this issue, the problem is with your DH.
I would suggest that with a second baby due, he will need to assume more responsibilities with the children and that will keep him busy!
For the record, I won't be expecting my son to spend two evenings a weeks with me when he has a family of his own.
Good luck x

Well done mmmerange, I forgot to mention the Santa bit for the four year old. Really important stuff.

That's a really good point. What man would rather be out drinking with his Mum than be doing the whole Christmas/Santa/Norad/mince pices and carrots thing with their own child?

It's really not normal.

Especially when your child is 4. 4 is one of the best Christmasses!

ok am being won over now, if you have invited her and she has declined then that is her porogative (Sp)
Change my mind YANBU as high risk pregnancy, has been invited, DD 4 yrs old etc.
But YABU as drip feed so am out.

Yup I'm out with the drips

YANBU

This all seems very strange. Why does he go to his mother's for supper twice a week? Do you go too? Why is he out socialising while you hold the fort with the four year old?

He needs to grow up- he is a father and husband now. This sounds like his primary relationship is with his mother rather than with his wife.

pippala, Maybe I'm sounding like a hormonal shrew BUT i understand she is on her own and i dont make an issue of him going to her house for dinner in the week. I understand that it isn't nice to be on your own. He is at hers for dinner tonight from 5-8.30 then off to work at 10. I'm doing my bit by sorting out our 4 year old while he is at his mums and also my other son who is 17.
However i can safely say that i would never expect my own grown up (39 yr old) son to spend all that time with me Christmas Eve when my daughter in law's baby was due and it was a high risk pregnancy and she had two other children to sort out. So it's safe to say i agree with you.

So why are you putting up with it?

Do you find it hard to have respect for him when he prioritises his Mother over his wife and child?

Honestly op, this really is not normal.

I would be beyond livid.

By the way... if my MIL told me that coming over on Christmas Eve to see her 4-y-o grandkid off to bed (deep sleeps or Santa won't come!) and then have a cheery drink with both of us was 'not exciting enough' I would tell her to take a long walk off a short pier. That is just RUDE!

Could the dh just be using his Mum as an excuse for Christmas Eve? In that he wants to go down the pub too and he will see plenty of people other than his Mum, but he thinks that by saying he's taking his Mum out it sounds more acceptable?

Just to update you, i had the baby and all is well there.On the day i went in to labour my dh met up with his mum to take our 4 year old to the park. I knew about this and agreed to call him when they were going to break my waters as i was in hospital already waiting to be induced.
So, i called him when he was at the park to tell him to get up the hospital because thay were breaking them now and itcould happen quite quickly. He duly arrived and about 2 hours later his mother called his mobile phone and asked him if he was coming to her house for his tea!!.
To which he replied " no, as you know mum im at the hospital as shes in labour". she then said "are you sure you dont want to come over for tea ?. You can come here ( a half hour walk each way) and then go home and cook tea for the other 2 kids and then go back to the hospital".
Well, i have never sucked on my gas and air so hard in my life!!!!!.
I then shouted between contractions that it would be much more helpful if she went to our house with fish and chips for the kids and sat with them till thier Dad came back from the hospital.

Since then she has been up to the house to see the baby. However, my dh has 2 weeks paternity leave and has been helping cooking, school run and letting me get extra sleep. He has also met up with his mum twice to take our 4 year old out. Still she ges on the phone tonight complaining that he hasn't been round to her house for his tea. He finally had to admit that she is one manipulative woman but because she has helped him out financially in the past ( before we met) he feels a bit obliged.