To want her to just leave?

[Superduperdoo]

My Sister has been married for just over 6 years to a very controlling man.

There have been many incidents over the years but now it's got to the point where we see her for 1 hour a week in her lunch break. We can't go to her house because he makes it impossible, taking her out on an urgent errand for example when we're due to arrive. She's not allowed anywhere on her own, she can go to our other Sister's house with him but not on her own. If she has a day off work he has to have the same one too.

We were invited to go over there Christmas Eve but because he's said some horrible things about my Son and is a complete and utter tosser i do not want to spend anytime with him what so ever.

We'd arranged to meet up in the pub yesterday lunchtime to exchange presents. He knew it was arranged. He text her yesterday asking if she could meet him for lunch yesterday and she said no. He went completely mad saying she shouldn't put us 1st because we don't care about her if we can't even be bothered to come and see her on Christmas Eve.

Lunch was ruined yesterday because of him and now she has to tell him in advance when we're doing lunch so she can still meet him to induldge in his fetish for alfresco loving. Soon he'll stop lunch all together and we won't see her at all.

I was shocked when i saw her yesterday she looked a complete nervous wreck. She's so skinny and pale and looks so anxious.

When we were with her she was saying she knew his reaction wasn't right but now she's with him she's saying she can see his point and is trying to make him forgive her. She's so worn down by him she's got no fight in her and she thinks she's in the wrong.

What on earth can i do to get her away from this controlling excuse for a man?

Sounds awful do they have children?

You might get more informed and constructive responses in the Relationships part of this site.
I don't think there is anything you can do, other than to let her know what you think and tell her your door is always open to her if she makes the right choice and leaves. As an adult, she has to be the one to make the decisions, even if they are totally crap ones. Why does she seek his approval so much?
Has she ever had a healthy, normal relationship with a man?

He has Children from a previous relationship that they have a few times a week. She's worried about the dogs and being divorced twice by the time she's 35.

I really have no understanding of why a woman would stay with an abusive man, so you need to ask people who can give you a better idea.

As difficult as this must be seeing someone you love in an abusive relationship such as this there is little you can do to help her unless she wants help.

I think she'll do anything to keep him happy because he makes her life hell if she doesn't. She says it's not physical but i'm not sure. She was married before to a lovely man who couldn't do enough for her and her family but she left him for someone else.

Better to be single in all ways than abused, she's worried about the dogs?

'She was married before to a lovely man who couldn't do enough for her and her family but she left him for someone else.'

Her family? Your family, or her children?
She sounds very lost.

The thing is when she's with us she can see it's wrong but as soon as she's with him she can see his side. She's now trying to do everything she can to make it up to him. I could bloody scream!

By her family i meant her Sisters and our Mum. Our Mum was seriously ill at the time and he would drive Sis over there anytime of day or night, he was fantastic.

Hi, I'm so sorry. I do understand why people stay, it's hard when you're in it. I have never experienced this myself but it must be hard to leave or people just would. I agree get this moved to relationships and I'm sure you will get some advice.

Would you be willing to offer her a place to stay? Do they own a house together etc?

Being divorced doesn't carry the stigma that it did and better that than being under the control of this awful man. Does your sister want your help, OP? What is it that she actually wants to happen? I think once you know what is in her mind as an outcome, you can start to make a plan for getting her away from him.

How awful for you too, not nice to see a family member treated this way and be helpless to step in. :(

I'm in a similar position with a friend and I agree it is extremely frustrating and hard. One thing suggested was to get her to keep a diary, if it would be safe for her to? So that when she is doubting she can look back and be reminded of what he is really like. Or somehow try to persuade her to go on mumsnet, not for relationship advice, just keep sending her funny threads via email or stuff from the dog section or step parenting or anything which may be vaguely relevant. There's a chance she might get sucked in and then after a while may find the relationships/EA support threads etc.

When you're in an abusive relationship you really do think it's just normal and just his personality and something you have to put up with. The nice parts seem so nice in comparison with the abuse that you end up thinking that you're lucky to have such a wonderful man and keep hanging onto this hope that he could be like that all the time if only you can crack the right combination to keep him sweet. Abusers manipulate you by changing their behaviour in relation to the way you behave, which creates this illusion to the victim that their actions carry some influence over their partner and it drives the whole cycle of trying to work out the exact behaviour patterns which will be "rewarded". And you seriously think that this is just normal relationship stuff and everyone has to work these things out with their partner.

So - reflecting normal relationships is helpful. Not the good times, but the conflict resolutions, the little niggles, just reference to how you deal with these things and it doesn't turn into a big deal or a long standoff. Casually mention some really trivial argument you had with your DH and that you laughed and made up within minutes. Reference something you dealt with together as a team. Obviously you'll need to be subtle to not make it look like you're saying directly "Your DH is a nobber" because as soon as she twigs you are criticising him she will switch off because you "don't understand him".

Duvetday - They do own a house together and she knows she's got lots of people who would put her up.

Lyingwitch - She says she loves him and wants to stay with him but only if he lets her see her family. But then when it comes down to it she's backing down yet another time.

Bertie - You've hit the nail on it's head. She said yesterday he can be so nice when she's keeping him happy it's when she says no or does something he doesn't like he goes mad.

Superduperdoo.... Oh. :( You can tell your sister that as soon as she meets his 'standards' and makes him happy, he will move the goalposts again so that she has to give up more and more of her life in order to 'please him'. She will never make him happy because he isn't enough of a person, he has no character of his own. He's behaving like a dementor and she's allowing him to. When she says 'enough is enough' it will stop, but only then, and there's no way back.

I was with a man who put me through the wringer when I was younger; I ended up with disordered eating issues for a long time. I listened to nobody and became adept at fielding conversations and avoiding people who would tell me what I didn't want to hear. There's no happy ending with a man like that.

Is there any way that your sister will go with you to counselling - or go on her own?

... and absolutely what BertieBotts said too, all of it.

She had a breakdown a few months ago and went for counselling. She told the counsellor everything and she advised her to get her strength together and think about leaving. Then she went home and told her Husband what she'd said and she wasn't allowed to go anymore.

He keeps moving the goalposts from her seeing her family and now we're reduced to 1 hour a week. She hardly sees her Niece and Nephews because they're usually in school. Next it'll be the hr gone until we don't see her at all. She does have a bit of fight left in her and she says she won't let him take that away but i'm not sure.

He wants to know in advance what days so he can plan his alfresco loving. This isn't always going to be possible because my other Sister's shifts change on a weekly basis and i run my own business and can only plan on a day to day basis really.

It's all very well for us to sit back and say she should walk - but none of us are in her situation - and we don't know just how controlled she is.

It's "easier" for her to walk out with no children - she's only got to worry about herself.

Thing is, even if she does walk out, he'll just follow and plead and beg and emotionally blackmail her until she breaks and goes back, Its very much a repetitive pattern.

The question is, where does she go? Are her family or friends strong enough to put up with him harassing her? Will her work place protect her when he turns up? Will she call the police when he follows her?

Has she the strength of character to see a solictor and force the house sale? He will prevaricate knowing all the time he does, he has a hold over her and it will be costing her money.

First thing she needs to do is plan it. Set up new bank accounts (I assume he controls her money?). Walk on a payday when her salary is in her account.

speaking from experience (personal), some people cant face admitting to themselves they have made a terrible mistake, you say she left a lovely man, I stayed in a terrible relationship (and we didnt even live together) for 2 years, because I could face the fact, that I had moved from one disaster to another.

I tolerated terrible things, very similar sounding instead, an example, because I was down, my mum arranged a hair cut for me as a lovely surprise, queue a torrent of verbal (and text) abuse about what a dreadful person I was, putting myself first, what a terrible person my mother was trying to come between us, by booking a hair appointment.

When you type it out, it seems so obvious, but I was a mess (years later when I met DH who loved me warts and all, thats when I began to heal) and I just couldnt see a way out, and I wonder, given what you have said about your sister leaving a lovely man and then this, I wonder if she is in the same boat.

I was absolutely emotionally rung out, and this by a man who didnt live with me, I had the sense not to let him in a 10 mile radious of DS, I have no emotional strength at all and I really, really, really, could face being wrong (again).

I am afraid it took him to do something absolutely dreadful before I walked away, at which point, I packed any reminder, no matter how small, into black bags, drove to his house, and left it in the living room with his key.

All you can do is let your sister know you are there when she is ready, keep in touch by whatever means and wait, if anyone had tried to tell me or pushed me, I would have withdrawn even further into my shell, as it was I was ashamed and embaressed enough, without people trying to force the issue.

I rarely ever talk about this time in my life, but I hope it helps.

Thing is, even if she does walk out, he'll just follow and plead and beg and emotionally blackmail her until she breaks and goes back, Its very much a repetitive pattern.

This is the thing that kept me there, Id decide to walk, in a figurative sense, and then the above, would happen.

If someone is that controlling, unless you have a good solid family support to "protect" you - you need a complete break - new town, new job, new bank accounts, new phone etc etc - and the internet makes people so easy to find. One slip up on FB etc. Sometimes you have to cut all ties and start over.

If he's that determined he'll just follow family members anyway until they lead him to her.

The strength to leave has to come from within.

Have you considered talking to this cunt yourself? He is a mean and nasty manipulative bully. Your sister will end up in hospital at the rate he is going.

He is killing her emotionally and breaking her down to nothing, she will only ever believe that if she is not with him no one else will have her.

If that was my sister I'd not fucking stand by and let him get away with it.

On the situation of being worried about the dog, ask the vets, dog warden or local charities if they offer a pet fostering for women escaping a controlling partner.

In our area we have a charity that takes in all animals, from mice to horses, for women or men and children escaping. As many women won't leave because of pets or DC pets. Then once the women are settled the pets are returned. Also pets are sometimes cared for out of area so the abusive party can't locate the pet.

With the dog cared for she may start considering leaving.

Thanks for all the advice and personal experiences it's all helping me.

He wouldn't do it infront of anyone else he's a big bloody coward. If he came here looking for her if she was here my OH would have no worries about making him leave. He wouldn't go anywhere someone might stand up to him.

I would Fabby but i'm reluctant to do anything that will make her life worse. I've got no worries about standing up to him and our Dad is trying to stop himself coming down here (he lives a way away) and talking to him.