To want her to just leave?

[Superduperdoo]

My Sister has been married for just over 6 years to a very controlling man.

There have been many incidents over the years but now it's got to the point where we see her for 1 hour a week in her lunch break. We can't go to her house because he makes it impossible, taking her out on an urgent errand for example when we're due to arrive. She's not allowed anywhere on her own, she can go to our other Sister's house with him but not on her own. If she has a day off work he has to have the same one too.

We were invited to go over there Christmas Eve but because he's said some horrible things about my Son and is a complete and utter tosser i do not want to spend anytime with him what so ever.

We'd arranged to meet up in the pub yesterday lunchtime to exchange presents. He knew it was arranged. He text her yesterday asking if she could meet him for lunch yesterday and she said no. He went completely mad saying she shouldn't put us 1st because we don't care about her if we can't even be bothered to come and see her on Christmas Eve.

Lunch was ruined yesterday because of him and now she has to tell him in advance when we're doing lunch so she can still meet him to induldge in his fetish for alfresco loving. Soon he'll stop lunch all together and we won't see her at all.

I was shocked when i saw her yesterday she looked a complete nervous wreck. She's so skinny and pale and looks so anxious.

When we were with her she was saying she knew his reaction wasn't right but now she's with him she's saying she can see his point and is trying to make him forgive her. She's so worn down by him she's got no fight in her and she thinks she's in the wrong.

What on earth can i do to get her away from this controlling excuse for a man?

Just wanted to offer support - it must be so difficult for you to stand by and see this happening. All I can say is to listen to the advice you've been given upthread - the post from Bertie makes a lot of sense, if she has access to internet do try and get her on MN.

I'm also a bit concerned about this alfresco thing you've mentioned a couple of times - does she enjoy this? In what way has she told you about it?

Keep in mind that domestic abuse victims (this is abuse, she is practically incarcerated by her husband) are normally, after years of abuse, completely doubtful of their own abilities to a)break out of that relationship, b) Survive on their own after the split.

It is all about rebuilding confidence so she can be strong enough to give him the boot.

Now, how to manage that is another story. Perhaps concentrate on what she can do right and how she can move on, rather than overwhelming her with complaints about how bad he is? (her self esteem may be so low she won't believe you, or it will only add more stress for her, deep down she knows he is in the wrong, but it takes some courage to break the patterns)

I had a friend who is/was in the same situation as your sister. Her husband was manipulative, controlling and horrible. She was in her 70s. Eventually I had to just let the friendship go as everything we tried to do to meet up was thwarted.

I know you can't do this with your sister. The only thing you CAN do is to just be there to pick up the pieces when she finally realises how bad things are.

I was in a relationship like this. I secretly arranged a new place to live, waited until he had gone to work, and moved out taking all my worldly possessions with me. He never found me, although he tried very hard. The final straw had come for me when he tried to stop me seeing and phoning my Mother. Best thing I ever did was to leave, even though I lived in fear for the next couple of years.

I think pantspantspants makes a really good point. If the dogs are taken out of the equation, that's one less 'obstacle' that your sister needs to overcome - one less excuse too.

If you try to force the issue, she will stop telling you, I was even more secretive in the second bad relationship then the one I had left.

I really feel for her, I was in this position, and with a man in all reality, I had no ties to.

Poor woman.

I can't see a mention of any physical abuse but sometimes verbal is worse....she has accepted that the better the devil she knows etc...she has little confidence and doesn't like the prospects of 'finding someone else' and /or she just has nowhere to go.....so just puts up with it as a "this is the way it is and I am stuck with it".......The film "Terms of Endearment" is very apt and to accept starting NOW... we have to get to the end of our life as comfortable and reasonably happy as possible...

I don't think she does enjoy it. On the way home from our Grandad's funeral he wanted her to take her top off in the car on the motorway. She said no because she was upset and he went mad. He used to demand a BJ every night when he got home from work but now he's demanding them at lunch time in the car. She did say she had to get it over and done with so she could watch tv.

OK, so definitely sexual abuse as well as emotional :( Poor woman, I wish you luck in giving her the confidence to turn her life around. Has any of the advice above seemed do-able?

Yes it's all been very helpful thanks.

I'm just willing her the strength to leave.

That sounds severe... gosh, who can help her?

I'm glad to hear that she has you, even if she doesn't know it yet :)