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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really hate it when adults talk about their "best friend"?

70 replies

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 23/12/2011 10:54

This may just be my issue but interested to hear if anyone else feels the same.

I have a good friend who I am close to. We have boys of a similar age and went through all the excitement and anxiety of pregnancy, labour, birth and tiny babies together [I actually supported her through the early stages before she went in to hospital with her DH]. Our boys are now good friends and we are in and out of each others houses frequently.

My friend and I are also part of a wider social circle of mums in the local area.
This is the social circle we share together. Obviously we have other friends from other parts of our lives, from college and work for example.

However my friend regularly names ones of the other Mums in our social group as her "best friend". This Mum [lets call her Ann] she has known for slightly longer than the rest of us and they are very close but Ann has since moved away and they no longer see each other as frequently. But my friend will say to all of us "My best friend Ann and I went to see this play" for example.

It just makes me feel a bit second best to hear Ann referred to as the "best friend". I know my friend is entitled to feel this way but wonder if it is really that tactful to say, as obviously it makes some people [me!] feel unvalued.

As I said, this may just be me. I was always a bit insecure in my friendships as a child [lacked self-esteem and often felt on the outside] and I guess this talk of best friends brings all this up. I feel yet again as if I don't measure up somehow and am not good enough to be her best friend

But I also feel it is a little tactless to keep rubbing it in our faces that we are just friends but that Ann is a "best friend" and is more special somehow.

AIBU?

[And Merry Christmas to you all ]

OP posts:

theincredibequeenofwands · 23/12/2011 10:57

Bless!

You're being a bit odd about it but this time of year does weird things to people's emotions.

She's your friend. She loves you. That's all that matters.

Kayano · 23/12/2011 10:58

Yes. YABU

......

didldidi · 23/12/2011 11:02

totally unecessary to refer to her as her best friend when you all know the person! that is indeed tactless in my book.

Hullygully · 23/12/2011 11:04

You are completely in the right.

We all know who we like and who we prefer etc, as adults manners behove we keep it to ourselves.

bushymcbush · 23/12/2011 11:05

Yanbu.

We all have friend's from many different aspects of our lives - I can think of 3 or 4 friend's who might be called 'best' friend's in different circumstances. I have a 'best' friend at work and a 'best' friend from my own school days and a 'best' friend from college etc etc. They are ALL important to me in different ways.

Best friends are for school children.

humblehippo · 23/12/2011 11:07

YANBU

I do think it a bit weird when adults go on about their "best" friend. I knew a colleague who always did this going on about her best friend bloody "Fifi"!

RealiTreeCoveredInTinsel · 23/12/2011 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebestisyettocome · 23/12/2011 11:09

Yanbu. I know somebody who talks about having a best friend. I find it a bit childish. I suspect she also 'ranks' friends too, in a subconscious way. Weird.

Yankeecandlequeen · 23/12/2011 11:09

Adults are also allowed to have best friends - sound very much like playground tat to me.

pigletmania · 23/12/2011 11:10

That term makes me cringe, I see it a lot on FB, I have several close friends but not a best friend.

mollythetortoise · 23/12/2011 11:10

best friends are for school children. I don't have one or want one and I would never refer to someone else as my best friend in other friends company. That is odd.
However, I would also just let my friend get on with it , if she does want to do this.
but YANBU

legobuilder · 23/12/2011 11:12

YANBU

It's wierd to have one best friend as an adult and constantly refer to them as such.

However IMO it's not wierd to say "one/some of my best friends" for example in the context of going away for the weekend with old friends or trying to think of a secret santa pressie for someone etc.

I would probably rib her about it to affectionately show it bugs you e.g. "am I not your best buddy then?!" said with a smile, or "so what's so best about ann then?" or "so what do i have to do to be the best?" make a joke of it and don't be disheartened by it - she probably does it as the result of insecurities similar to your own.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/12/2011 11:14

I have two best friends.
I wouldnt be with a less best friend and keep refering to my 'best' friends. That is rude and a bit weird.
They are my best friends for good reason. Not only that we get on but because of the way they have supported me, the things we have been through etc.

Not because I think they are better people or nicer or prettier or anything like that IYSWIM.

MordechaiVanunu · 23/12/2011 11:15

If she really says things like 'my best fiend Ann and I went to the theatre' rather than just 'ann and i' when you all know Ann, then YANBU, and she's a bit weird.

Best friends is a bit of a girlhood concept that doesn't fit well into adulthood.

It's pubically stating the hierarchy of your friendships, which isn't really necessary.

I have one very longstanding friend who is probably my best friend, but I don't really refer to her her that, but I may use terms such as old friend, uni friend, close friend, to give our friendship some context when speaking to people who don't know her.

I have a few other close friends and don't really organise them into a hierarchy in my head or out loud.

OP, she is obviously a very good friend, who just has this childhood concept of having to have one best friend in the group ,lingering in her head. I bet in her head she has you paired off with someone else in the group as 'best friends' and feels she needs to show she is also 'paired up.'

I bet if you said to her 'but I thought we were best friends?' she'd be very pleased and from then on it would be all 'my best friend RaPaRa and I..'

I'm NOT advocating you should have this 9year old girl conversation, but just saying I bet that's how shed react.

lockets · 23/12/2011 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbierhodes · 23/12/2011 11:16

No no no. It's not about 'ranking' friends, it's different to that. I have a 'best friend' and she is a very special person in my life. It doesn't mean my other friends aren't wonderful...and it doesn't mean she's perfect either.

I hear what you're saying about the term 'best friend' being childish, but I don't know what else to call her. She's like one of my family (only better) but she doesn't have a family title.

abbierhodes · 23/12/2011 11:17

I hear what you're saying about the term 'best friend' being childish, but I don't know what else to call her. She's like one of my family (only better) but she doesn't have a family title.

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 23/12/2011 11:17

YABU, I have two best friends in the two different places I live. They are the only mates I buy Christmas gifts for.

lockets · 23/12/2011 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 23/12/2011 11:19

I think my friend would be genuinely dismayed to think she had upset me in this way... However I do think she feels that Ann is her special and closest friend.

I know this sounds very schoolgirl and is probably a result of my hang-ups about friendship but I just do feel relegated to the second division of people my friend likes but doesn't feel particularly attached to.

And I guess that hurts as I feel she occupies a special place in my affections, particularly as we went through some momentous changes in our lives together [pregnancy, labour, birth of the boys].

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/12/2011 11:19

YANBU, I don't like it either.

I once became friends with a mum from DD1's school, who was constantly referring to her "best friend" in our conversations and it was almost as if she lived her life through her best friend; "My best friend's house is so big, it's massive", "My best friend buys me so many Christmas presents, she's really rich" and so on. Actually looking back I think my friend was just one of those people that is taken in by wealth or pretend wealth and views a good friend on how much materially they can give her rather than other things.

BroomBuBuBum · 23/12/2011 11:21

I can see why her saying that would make you feel second best. But i completely disagree with everyone saying that best friends are for school children. I've had the same best friend since I was 15. I'm not sure how often I refer to her as my bet friend out loud but I definitely see her as my 'best friend'.

startail · 23/12/2011 11:22

Uanbu
I would refer to one very special adult friend as BF on here. Because she's a lovely person, she's had a lot to cope with in life and she's always on my wavelength.
She's an old university friend and not local.
I would not use the term BF in RL that's just divisive and childish.

peacypops · 23/12/2011 11:23

I have a 'best friend' too although I don't necessarily always refer to her in those terms when speaking to others about her. We have been friends since we were five (now 35) and to be honest I think it's a lovely thing that after all this time we are still as close as ever (and others have said how nice it is too).

Sudaname · 23/12/2011 11:25

How old is she - 12 ?? l would take the mickey to be honest and say 'oh Ann you mean - your bestest bestest fwend'

A 'good' friend of mine in our DHs social circle - one of the few couples that came to our wedding (very quiet do) - she got married earlier this year and had two tier hen partys. She went away with her inner clique for a pamper day etc etc and then just invited her grade 2 friends out for 'just a few drinks'. She didnt invite me to the pamper day (not that am into all that but she doesnt know that really) but my DH went on her now DHs stag holiday.

I declined on the 'peasants' hen night l'm afraid.

l just think grown women can be so pathetic.

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