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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really hate it when adults talk about their "best friend"?

70 replies

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 23/12/2011 10:54

This may just be my issue but interested to hear if anyone else feels the same.

I have a good friend who I am close to. We have boys of a similar age and went through all the excitement and anxiety of pregnancy, labour, birth and tiny babies together [I actually supported her through the early stages before she went in to hospital with her DH]. Our boys are now good friends and we are in and out of each others houses frequently.

My friend and I are also part of a wider social circle of mums in the local area.
This is the social circle we share together. Obviously we have other friends from other parts of our lives, from college and work for example.

However my friend regularly names ones of the other Mums in our social group as her "best friend". This Mum [lets call her Ann] she has known for slightly longer than the rest of us and they are very close but Ann has since moved away and they no longer see each other as frequently. But my friend will say to all of us "My best friend Ann and I went to see this play" for example.

It just makes me feel a bit second best to hear Ann referred to as the "best friend". I know my friend is entitled to feel this way but wonder if it is really that tactful to say, as obviously it makes some people [me!] feel unvalued.

As I said, this may just be me. I was always a bit insecure in my friendships as a child [lacked self-esteem and often felt on the outside] and I guess this talk of best friends brings all this up. I feel yet again as if I don't measure up somehow and am not good enough to be her best friend Sad

But I also feel it is a little tactless to keep rubbing it in our faces that we are just friends but that Ann is a "best friend" and is more special somehow.

AIBU?

[And Merry Christmas to you all Xmas Smile]

OP posts:
OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/12/2011 11:25

My best friend came to register my DD's death and to organise her funeral.

I think she deserves the title.

not UR to think it rude to keep refering to another friend in a conversation but VUR to expect people not to have best friends.

DressDownFriday · 23/12/2011 11:26

YANBU - she is strange referring to her friend in this way when you all know who she is talking about.

I have a best friend (known her for 40 years) but would only refer to her as this in conversation with people who do not know her. For example, if I was relating a story about X and someone said, 'who is x' then I would explain that x is my best friend. I would not call her this in front of people that we both know.

catsrus · 23/12/2011 11:26

When my dcs were little they demanded I name my bf - they were Xmas Shock that I didn't seem to have one Xmas Smile. Hence I now (jokingly) have a "best friend in all the world" (who I don't see a lot of!) and a number of bfs in different contexts ("Mum's BF at work" etc). This seemed to placate them. But I totally agree about it being very playground...

I like the saying that "your best friend in the friend who brings out the best in you" and I'm lucky to have a few people in my life who do that Xmas Grin

didldidi · 23/12/2011 11:26

but abbierhodes you don't have to call her anything to other people - they don't need to know! I assume she has a name you can use?

Original poster
RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 23/12/2011 11:28

Yes, but it seems different somehow if you are speaking of your oldest friend, ie one from childhood or school/university.

Then I can understand the "best" as it means long-term and important in that context.

But Ann and my friend have known each other about a year longer than my friend and I...

By the way, I do know how pathetic this sounds Blush I would never admit feeling like this to anyone in real life as I am 38yo not 6!

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 23/12/2011 11:29

Yanbu, I think it sounds childish, and why the need to identify someone like that to someone else?

I have a 'best friend', who I have known longest out of current friends, I thibk she sees me as such too. But I only see her a few times a year ad she works abroad, so I have lots of other friends. I wouldn't see the need to say "my best friend S."

aldiwhore · 23/12/2011 12:30

YANBU for detesting the phrase, YWBU if you let it spoil an otherwise great relationship.

I've only known my 'best friend' for 10 years, and have only seen her about 12 times... but she's my closest friend.

I have other friends who I value highly, very highly, see more often, have known longer, but we simply haven't acheived that level of closeness that I have with my best mate.

Its not relagating anyone else into inferiority. She's simply someone I happen to be closer to.

I wouldn't go out for coffee with you and harp on about my bestest fwiend though (if you were my friend) as that's dull apart from anything else. So your friend is being slightly U for harping on about her best friend. There's just no need!

goodasgold · 23/12/2011 12:35

My best friend has been my best friend since we were 10, I have always called her that and would seem strange to stop now.

susiedaisy · 23/12/2011 12:42

Best friend does seem rather child like when you are an adult, personally I have three very good friends who I love dearly but not one is my best friend and I turn to a different friend depending on whats going on in my life, and they in turn do the same.

OhdearNigel · 23/12/2011 13:10

I have a best friend, we have known each other since we were 10 (we are now 36) and have been through life together. She is the closest thing to a sister I have (I am an only child) and we know each other inside out.

We had a little group of 4 at school, my other 2 friends know that Lydia is my best friend just as Debbie and Tina were best friends within our little group.

I would think it an extremely odd overreaction if an adult friend was insulted by me describing my friend of 26 years as my best friend.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 23/12/2011 13:16

OP it sounds like you have more of an issue with your own feelings about not being this woman's best friend than with the actual phrase

I think the phrase has a place, best friends are different, you go through life together, with other friends you catch up and are interested in each other but there is a limit to how much you can/want to bore lean on each other emotionally about the smaler things.

Not sure if that makes sense, but in my mind there is a distinction and its not who was PHYSICALLY there at important times, its about who you text/call without thinking about it twice if you've had a good/bad day

OryxCrake · 23/12/2011 13:37

You sound upset that this is happening within your group of friends and are feeling excluded. That's understandable.

However... I have a best friend and do refer to her as such. We've been friends since we were teenagers (now 50!) and as an only child she's the nearest thing to a sibling that I have. We treat each other/each other's children as family and the term 'best friend' is a way of saying we have a very special relationship I suppose. Can't think of a better description.

Sorry it's getting you down and yes, in the context you describe it sounds tactless and a bit excluding. Do others in the group feel the same way?

covermeup · 23/12/2011 13:44

yanbu with how it's made you feel as I do think it's rude for people to refer to their 'best friend' in front of other friends as it does make them feel unvalued or less appreciated.

I have a few best friends, I don't think any more of one of them than the others, they are all there for me for different things and I know I can rely on them all. I would never refer to one of them as a 'best friend' in front of the others.

I only use the term 'best friend' when talking to people that don't really know them, eg talking to the hairdresser 'It's my best friends wedding tomorrow', talking to colleagues about the weekend 'i'm going to my best friends for dinner' etc etc.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 23/12/2011 13:45

"friend" just doesn't describe the best friend relationship you see, it'd be like introducing my partner as "just a friend" IYSWIM

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/12/2011 13:52

Sudaname, that was awful of your friend; I don't blame you for not going on the hen night. Some people are so full of themselves it's unbelievable!

ReduceRecycleRegift · 23/12/2011 13:54

Hexagon and sudaname, I don't get it? I've been on lots of hen dos where the bride also had pamper days that I wasn't invited to, the pamper day is for mum, sisters, best friend and bridesmaids usually! At mine there was my mum , my best friend and my bridesmaids, I don't think it would work if everyone invited on my hen do was invited to that too?

motherinferior · 23/12/2011 13:56

It's only off-putting when people say smugly 'oh no, my husband is my best friend', in nauseating manner.

Insomnia11 · 23/12/2011 13:57

My husband is my best friend.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/12/2011 13:59

I see your point ReduceRecycle, but if it was me I would do something that could incorporate everyone that I would want to invite on a hen night/day. I'd hate for some people to feel that they weren't important to me or that I didn't value them as much as the others.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 23/12/2011 14:07

how? have you ever arranged a hen do? have you any idea how much MOANING you'ld get if you tried to invite all your work mates to a £250 pamper weekend?

I paid for my pamper session out of the wedding budget, there was 6 of us! for the include everyone hen do its SO much better to do an evening thing that's not too expensive so that as many people that want to can come!

TBH if you are use the pamper day as an excuse to not go to the hen night then you probably don't really like the bride that much anyway...

ReduceRecycleRegift · 23/12/2011 14:11

I mean are you really saying that a bride to be can't go away and have some relaxation and beautification before the big day with her closest women if she doesn't invite EVERY woman she ever socialises with?

ReduceRecycleRegift · 23/12/2011 14:12

and also the pamper day is often used as a way to include the older women in the family who don't want a night on the tiles by doing something boring more sedate, without inflicting that on the friends who do like to let their hair down more

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/12/2011 14:16

Yes, I have organised a hen do, Reduce. I have a small circle of friends and wouldn't invite workmates and acquaintances to my hen do or a party anyway, only those I am close to.

And you're right, I probably wouldn't like a bride that excluded me from her "main" hen do and didn't view me as good enough to attend it, no.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 23/12/2011 14:20

I didn't invite 'aquaintances' to my hen night out either, only friends (some from work etc) and still had too many to have a pamper day if I wasn't allowed both! So strange! you invite everyone to everything? I guess you can do that if all your friends are friends but I have different friends from all over the place who I interract with differently. I would also like to see them without all THEIR friends being invited along every time...

and perhaps the bride has friends who could never afford a pamper day but she doesn't want to put them on the spot about it... so she shouldn't go for a manicure of anythign with any other women then?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/12/2011 14:22

Reduce, you are clearly getting much more het up over this discussion than I am. I merely passed comment on a situation that happened to another poster and now you are accusing me of being strange!

Yes I would invite everyone to everything. Like I said before, I have a small circle of close friends, anyone else I class as an acquaintance and I wouldn't invite an acquaintance to something as intimate as a hen night.