To think someone can help me for an hour

[TenaciousOne]

This may be long so sorry if it is.

We have a nearly 6 month DS who just doesn't sleep. He will possibly nap twice for half an hour and will be up in the night every two hours to feed. He constantly wants to be held won't be played with must be cuddled and carried around.

We live miles away from my parents, a good two hour drive, longer on the train. They come down as often as is practical they still work and have other commitments but about once a month. On the other hand my IL's live about 7 miles away and are retired but have visited us twice since DS was born. We have begged them to come round. They make excuses or say they will and never come or turn it around on us to make the effort, I'm already exhausted I really could do without driving. I just need someone to help me, I'm really at my wits end is it really too much to ask for an hour every once in a while?

It shouldn't be too much, no. Sadly some people just view life and relationships differently and I don't think you'll change them.
Practically, I would not go driving over there. If they want a relationship with their SHE, let them make the effort. So, don't go.
Do you have help over Christmas? Visitors? DH? If you do, catch up on some sleep, even if you feel a bit anti-social. It is tiring if you have a demanding baby. Good luck.

Sorry you are feeling this way. My DS2 was a colic ridden thing so I can go someway to understanding how you are feeling.

I'm old school style of parenting, so carrying him all the time is big no-no in my book.

Babies wake for 3 reasons: hungry, wet, in pain.

I assume he's dry or you'd change him. I assume he hasn't got colic and the doc and midwife say all is well physically.

That leaves hunger. I assume you BFing and thats why he is waking up every 2 hours? Is he on a bit of solid food yet?

With regard to your ILS - if your DH cant make them see they are needed, then you have little hope of it. Some people just cant deal with babies.

They wont come so leave it, exhaustion is making you over anxious (been there my DCs dont sleep).

Have you tried co-sleeping??? Are you breast feeding.

If he is nearly 6 months have you tried any food??

Ignore Trois. She's wrong. Babies wake up for all sort of reasons beyond hunger, pain and wet. Sometimes they are just wakeful. Sometimes they need a cuddle. Sometimes it's something you just can't figure out.

Do you have a friend who can come around?

Very rude.

I'm old school like Trois - well, just old actually, and I agree, enough of the carrying around, and give your dc some solids if not already on them.

My boys were bad sleepers and woke loads. Would definitely look at food intake and if breast fed introduce formula for the last feed at night. If already on formula increase the night bottle to the hungry baby formula.

IMO it's not rude to offer the op differing opinion. It is true that for some babies it helps the two of them get some peace in their lives to practice attachment parenting.

It's ok for us to offer different advice. I think that's part of the beauty of MN :)

I'm of the Noteverybabyflourisheswiththesamestyleofcare School. Live and let live is the motto.

I agree with the solids idea.

If you can afford it you could organise a mother's help/ babysitter through a reputable agency to come once a week or whenever you needed them. I don't know what your OH is like (goodness me I know they vary in reliability etc, you might be fortunate though) but have you tried organising regular time off for a few hours?

Babies can sometimes require a bit of a try it out and see if it works approach, we're all individuals afterall even when supremely short.

Could you borrow/get a sling, try experimenting with food and organise ome relief time?

Best of luck!

Solids won't necessarily help him sleep.
Have you got a sling so that you can get on with things whilst carrying him?

Babies cry for a number of reasons

Crying baby checklist

When the crying begins, use this checklist to help yourself spot the cause:

hungry
thirsty
tired
wet or dirty
lonely
bored
uncomfortable
too hot
too cold
nappy rash
wind colic (tummy pain).

Basically, you may not know why exactly, but a baby that doesn't sleep for
More than 2 hours is exhausting. It would be lovely if your in laws helped but they aren't going to unfortunately. I would give up
On asking for help there and start building up other support networks (mums groups etc.)

I was old school and 1 year ago I would have agreed with everything Trois said. DS1 was a model old school baby. I tut-tutted at the cosleeping, baby carrying, non-sleeping, fussy, "not on solids yet", families.

But I have been humbled -> DS2 is not doing it by the book. He simply needs way more physical contact that DS1 ever did. And going on solids did not change his sleep patterns, (probably because they're not related to being wet or hungry)

At 6 months I was told to cut out all and any night feeds, (we only had one left), which we did. This improved things a teeny bit.

Don't underestimate exhaustion. I became so dizzy I couldn't drive/walk straight. I now sleep in the spare room and my DH does the nights (and works fulltime). I was told in no uncertain terms to ensure I sleep for at least 5-6h straight, otherwise I would get worse.

We don't have any outside help available, we go to bed very early, and on weekends I take the kids and my husband sleeps in as long as he can, to try and catch up on sleep. We are surviving, and slowly DS2's sleep patterns are improving.

Good Luck.

I wont add to the good advice re baby care

Its a fact of life that some grandparents genuinely want to be really involved and help with their GC and some do not.

I speak as someone with divorced parents neither of whom have ever been involved beyond the minimum outside of sending birthday cards and seeing us as a family rather than ever seeking out my dc or having them to stay etc. I used to get annoyed/upset about this but finally realised thats how it was and to make the best of what is on offer.

Take the advice above and start building support elsewhere

Oh Tenacious I do really feel for you. As other posters have said, it is VERY important that you get some rest: there's a reason they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. I was truly exhausted when DC3 was little and DH made me sleep in the spare room one night and refused to let me get up saying "one night of bottles won't kill him". He was quite right and I woke the next day feeling like a different person (although with MASSIVE boobs !) Could your OH do this for you very occasionally until your little one's sleeping improves?

If it's relief in the daytime that you need then I agree with architien to find someone else who can come in once a week or something to help. Your in-laws are unreliable as child carers - so you need to make alternative arrangements. Can any of your new-Mum friends help out? You could set up an arrangement where you look after their kid in return?

I really really hope you manage to get some sleep soon.

I have a 7 month old who is still up for 1-2 bottles in the night and that's hard enough, so you have my complete sympathies. She's on 3 big meals a day so I agree that solids don't necessarily help.

Have you tried a bedtime routine? We have a lovely routine we implemented at 3 months which involves taking DD to her room at 6 PM or whenever she starts rubbing her eyes at around that time. We have dimmed lights, musical seahorse on (always the same) and then a bath and PJs, then maybe a bit of milk if she'll take it. Then it's straight into her gro bag, a quick cuddle and to bed. She falls asleep perfectly and stays down til about 1 am for the first night bottle, so at least we get a great stretch of adult time wine

Her daytime napping used to be poor, but it improved when we got her into a similar routine of putting her in the gro bag and to bed whenever she started to rub her eyes, then letting her fuss a bit if she resisted. I know any sort of CC is controversial but it works for us. More of controlled whinge though, and sometimes I do have to just get her up if it's not happening and try again later. She mainly self settles now and has 3-4 naps/day at the moment - more than usual, but I think her teething is tiring her out.

As for your PILs, YANBU to be hurt they won't help out if they know you are desperate, but unfortunately I would just move on and hope that they might be more hands on once the baby stage has passed. My mum loves my DD more than anything, but she'd rather buy her clothes and take endless photos of her than do much hands on childcare.

Im very fortunate and my DH is a star with DS and picks up the slack an awful lot. Im sure DH must be fed up of me phoning him in tears. He's BF, and won't take a bottle,flat out pushes it out clamps his mouth shut. I'm tempted to buy formula and see if he'll take that but he just won't have the bottle in his mouth. The IL's have got to me because whenever there is a family gathering they won't let him go "oh isn't pfg so amazing" and make a huge song and dance but when no one is there they just don't want to know. They want to feed him so it's like they blame me for the fact he wont take a bottle.

Trios, I just wish I could put him down and be done but all he does is cry and scream. I really can't hear it, I'm so scared I'm going to hurt him because I can't get a drink without him becoming inconsolable. He's got worse in the last two weeks and I'm tempted to try feeding him some purée but scared he will be worse, I'm not even sure it's possible.

We've had a bedtime routine since he was about six weeks. Bath, book, sleep routine for a few weeks he slept for around four hours from 8 and then would be up every three hours. We cosleep its the only thing that keeps me remotely sane. He wants to sleep holding me.

Ask your health visitor to come round and spend an hour, then offer her advice. You may have to try various things before hitting on a magic solution.

Tenacious, he sounds just like my daughter was at that age. Just wanted to be held all the time, 2 short naps in the day, waking at night, etc. My family live overseas, DH's family lived 200 miles away, we were new to the area so I didn't know anybody and DH work 70-80 hours a week. It's all still fresh in my memory, 10 years later, and one of the big reasons I didn't have any more children. I feel for you!

I put my daughter in nursery 2 half days a week so I could have a break, but almost always spent that time cleaning house, ironing, etc - things that seemed impossible with a baby that wanted to be held constantly.

At around 6 months, we did controlled crying. I absolutely hated doing it so my husband did it and after 3 nights, the crying stopped. She did still wake in the night tho and ended up in our bed when that happened. I was just too exhausted to fight it. We also started her out on baby rice at 4 months. When she was about a year old, she started having 2-hour naps - absolute bliss!

She's 10 now and I know I'm biased, but she's a lovely, well-adjusted girl. I never have to chase her to bed - she just gets ready and that's it. She has no food allergies or intolerances, will eat almost anything and is very loving, caring, thoughtful and polite.

The only thing I wish I did differently when she was a baby was not worry constantly if I was doing the right or wrong thing and not compare my parenting style to others. It turned out all right in the end! Well, so far anyway - we have the teenage years to get through! ;)

The only thing I can say is it WILL get better, but at this stage I know that feels an eternity away. X

I completely understand you wanting the GPs to help out, and in my opinion YANBU to want that. But unfortunately the reality is that not all GPs are willing to help.
I'm in a similar position to you in that my mum helps as much as she can but lives a while away and works full time. Retired PIL adore DD but want the 'good bits' of showing her off etc, rather than much help to me. Though not as bad as your PIL sound, I do get a bit of help from my PIL I have to say.

Anyway, I do think babies cry for more reasons than hunger, wet/dirty and pain. Just going by my DD I think often they do want company, cuddles etc.

I saw that up thread somebody suggested a sling, I'd second that. I'm pg with DC2 and planning on investing in a close carry stretchy sling that I can (hopefully) feed in.
Also saw another poster suggested paid help. Do you have the money for that? That's another thing I'm looking into, maybe a couple of mornings a week for the first month or so after I have DC2.

Hope you get some rest over Christmas.

It will start to get easier as your DC gets more interested in toys etc and you can gradually leave them for longer and longer. I can now set up water play in my kitchen and actually cook dinner without listening to a crying baby, having my legs pulled, jiggling baby to pacify her etc.

I feel for all of you with "Velcro" babies. DS2 was like that- wouldn't be put down, wouldn't take a bottle, slept no more than 45 min at a time, BF for comfort constantly. I was exhausted too.
Nothing changed no matter what I did (and we couldn't bear CC) until I stopped BF at 27 months. Then magically everything changed and we haven't had a broken night since (well we have, but he's 19 now so it's for entirely different reasons ).
Sorry I can't offer any advice - all I did was endure. What I did do was the bare minimum of anything else - cooked and looked after DS1, but I did let my world shrink down to surviving DS2 as to do more would have tipped me over the edge.
Some babies are just like this, I don't know why.

• Sling, learning to wrap was a life saver for me, and whatever they say it doesn't make babies clingy, I'm lucky to get near dd now at 16 months but I couldn't have done without it for a while.
• Co-sleep
• Try some solids as nearly 6 mo
• Do whatever it takes to survive, cause survive you will as it is a phase!

Dd was just like this, and it does pass, honest. Some babies just do have needs, and I am firmly of the belief that emotional needs are just as important and valid as physical ones, they barely know the difference.

But yanbu to want some help, at all. If you're on the South Coast I'm prob close!

Oops. I forgot to say thank you to everyone offering advice. I think we will try him on some food and as his dad isn't working tomorrow he will try to settle him back down. Although he is presently taking the longest nap for the last week. I'm going to join him now and hope he sleeps a bit longer.

Im going to look at a half day at nursery as well. They won't tale him until he is 6 months here. Money is very tight but I think it's necessary at the minute. Bumble you sound like you're in the same situation. Although we moved to be closer to ILs as they wanted to be able to see DS all the time and didn't want to miss out on him. I really don't know anybody around here other than the neighbours Ive bumped into. Some have started to comment on his crying, not complaining but they might be iyswim.

My baby would not be put down and woke all the time. I had lots of 'spoiling her' comments that I thankfully ignored. It was hard though, but eventually I was advised to try cranial osteopathy and the difference was amazing. She slept horizontally for the first time ever and my life became a lot easier.

Thank goodness I didn't just put her down and let her scream.

I am sorry you have no help. I hope things improve and you get some sleep soon.

I wouldn't bother with purée - mine are both ebf (no bottles) then BLW on finger foods which they loved - there is loads of advice on BLW here.