to be pissed off at DP for being spineless?

[CruellaDV]

DP and his DD (10) had been invited round for Xmas dinner on Xmas Eve. DP and I do not live together. My DDx2 (5yrs, twins) are off to their dad's on Xmas day, so we're having a pre xmas xmas on Saturday. I sort out cooking, pressies etc as if it was Xmas day. DDx2 adore SD. SD an only child. SD decides suddenly she wants to do "something else" and has announced via DP she's going shopping instead with her friends. DDx2 devastated. I'm annoyed with DP for not standing up to her and explaining better the significance of the day and encouraging her to come along. AIBU?

Are you sure he didn't encourage her and explain the significance?

Can he not suggest she goes shopping for a couple of hours in the morning and then he can pick her up?

The shops won't be open on Xmas eve evening . I would speak to dp

so pleasing your daughters is more important that her doing what she wants

it is not significant to her only to you becasue of your set up with your ex, she is at an age where she would rather be with her friends surely she can see them later on in the day

I can see where you are coming from as this is your christmas day, but to her

it is just a lunch with 2 five year olds. Do you really want your boyfriend to force her to come and then sit in a sulk all day?

Since when did 10 year olds get to announce they were going out with friends? Er, hello..child < adult?

The shops are open here until 6pm on Xmas Eve.

Deep down I think I am getting uncharacteristically neurotic about this as it's my DDx2 first time away at Xmas and I guess I'm probably trying to romanticise xmas to make up for feeling sad about that (phew: who needs expensive analysts!).

Still annoyed with DP though - is terrified of upsetting his XW - needs to stand up for self a bit more.

Should I stay out of it or offer gentle distractions?!?!

Stay out of it.

I dont know how long you 2 have been together but as you dont live together then his accress arrangements have nothing to do with you.

stay out of it

i understand why you feel this way i am upset that ds is away christmas night and boxing day :(

I wouldn't be allowing a ten yr old out shopping with friends on her own. Not on Xmas eve.

Sorry you're the girlfriend, not living together, you don't get a say at this stage.

If your kids are "devastated" that their Mum's boyfriend's daughter isn't coming, I'd have to rethink the day, because her absence to my mind should be a disappointment not a devastation.

Agree with squeaky she's only 10, what's she going to do, shop all day and all evening and since when did children get to dictate what they are doing. Mine have to go and visit lots of family members over Christmas that they would prefer not to. There is still loads of time for them to go and see friends

YANBU for feeling annoyed (and of course sad about the DDs being away on Xmas day). SD shouldn't be allowed to do that, but if your DP won't stand up to her / her mum then not a lot you can do, other than point out to DP that your DDs are understandably disappointed and ask that in future he will do more to if it's agreed that SD will attend something she does so.

You can still have a lovely time with your DDs though.

Will your DP not be seeing his DD at all at Xmas then?

When did you invite her and did she actually accept?

I am a bit that a 10yo would be allowed out shopping with friends on Christmas Eve when the shops will heaving and people will have lost all sense of reason.

Am I totally out of touch? I remember having a fair amount of freedom at that age to go to a friends house or to the park, but I'm sure I wasn't allowed into town until I was 12 / 13, even on a normal weekend.

I don't think YANBU to be upset, btw, although I don't think you should say anything as you don't live together. Is your DP not upset that he won't get to spend the time with her too?

YABU.

A ten year old does not have to take any responsibility for yours and your dd's happiness on Christmas Eve, or at any time.

I'm about her going shopping on Christams Eve with firends at 10yo anyway, but that is beside the point. The fact is that she doesn't want to come to yours and she shouldn't have to. It's not her fault that your dd's won't be around on Christma Day. As long as she spends some time with her Dad at some point of Christmas, then that's fine. But that's for her parents to sort out, not you.

You shouldn't be pressured to 'standing up to his ex' for your benefit, you don't even live with him and he is not the father of your children. If your dp is happy with the arrangement, then it's none of your business.

I think the shopping is an excuse and now becoming a red herring.

If you don't like the way that your boyfriend conducts his affairs with ex wife and his dd then you need to think about whether this a relationship to stay in as it will not at any time change, your gf can't be changed and niether can his dd or his ex wife.

How long have you been with this man, and how long has his DD known you?

I would also say, she isnt your SD either. You dont even live togther, so she probably considers you as her fathers girlfriend, but nothing more.

It is probably more a case of the 10 year old not wanting to play happy families with her dads girlfriend and so has made up an excuse to get out of it probably supported by her mother.

I dont know many 10 year old girls who would think it would be great fun to hang out with a couple of 5 year olds for the day.

Your DP isn't spineless. He's standing up to his girlfriend and will let his daughter do what she wants on Christmas Eve, rather than making her go to his girlfriend's house and entertain two five year olds.

You have to remember as well that having a pretend Christmas Day on Christmas Eve, can often take the shine off the real day for kids.

Your DP's daughter is not your toy.

DP isn't spineless. He's standing up for her by making an excuse. If you push him he might drop the excuse and tell you you're being selfish.