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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be gutted that DS 14 mo appears to prefer childminder to me!

36 replies

normalshmormal · 22/12/2011 11:36

He always wriggles from my arms to hug her when I drop him off, which I can rationalise as being great that he doesn't hate being left.

But this morning she was holding him and said 'give mummy a kiss by bye bye' and he squirmed away from me, burying his head in her chest.... gutting.

She is fabulous, and I know I'm lucky to have her, but it made me wonder what I've done/haven't done to deserve this. I work 2 days, and I feel guilty that maybe I don't give him enough attention on the days we're at home together as there always seems to be a million jobs to do.

He is great with me when we're together, but as soon as DH arrives home, it is like a celebrity has arrived. I can get my head round this, but the childminder being above me in the favourites list is too much!

I realise that at 14 mo, he doesn't realise he is hurting me, and there isn't an awful lot I can do - maybe devote more attention to him when we're togther?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2011 11:41

If you honestly feel you don't devote enough time/attention to him then yes, I'd give that a go regardless of how he acts with the CM or his Dad.

Ungratefulchild · 22/12/2011 11:44

It's really good that he's got a great bond with his childminder. it shows that he's a happy and secure little boy. Him not wanting to cuddle you is probably expressing anger that you are leaving him. perfectly normal imo, so don't beat yourself up about it.

SmethwickBelle · 22/12/2011 11:44

I'd be delighted to have found a childminder he's so happy with! Throughout history children have formed loving bonds with other adults in their extended families and communities - grannies, aunties, neighbours - it is great part of a healthy childhood.

Just be yourself, don't force extra "attention" just try to enjoy your child as you meet his needs (that last bit is what a lot of mothering is and it can feel a bit unrewarding). I'm sure the older he gets the more he and you will enjoy each other's company. Toddler stage is pretty hard work and I understand why you'd be grumpy at other people reaping the few rewards.

My son couldn't pick me out of a lineup for months if not years, very unbothered about the whole "having a mother" thing. The very opposite of clingy. He has a lot more social confidence than my second son who's very clingy.

larks35 · 22/12/2011 11:44

I really wouldn't worry about it tbh. My DS has been with CM full-time since he was 8mo, he's now nearly 3. He's had moments when he seemed to prefer CM and yes it hurt, but he's also had moments when he's cried when I've left him and that hurt a lot more. I felt quite rotten earlier this week as he kept asking when he was going to CMs (I'm on hols so he's off with me) but then this morning he said that he didn't want to go to CMs which was fine as he wasn't due to go.

Your DS will always know you are his mum, just be glad he has a CM he loves and you trust - that is gold dust!

Original poster

normalshmormal · 22/12/2011 11:46

Thanks Worra, I will do. I'm not sure whether it'll change this situation, but this has obviously pushed my buttons and maybe shown me some of my shortcomings.

On the other hand I am aware that mothers feel guilty by default and don't want to beat myself up if this is normal.

OP posts:

spanky2 · 22/12/2011 11:47

Mine ds1 would cry and refuse to come home with me. Same when Daddy came home, crying and whinging would stop and it would be all smiles and sunshine. He is okay now, he's 7. My children take me for granted and rave on about Grandma and Grandad and how they want to live there, but when they are ill they want me. My Mum says it's a good thing they take me for granted because it means they trust me and see me as dependable and always there for them. Your ds will never see you as a person in your own right with feelings as you are Mum! He certainly at 14 months will not see you as a separate person to him. It is good that you have given him the confidence to love other people, and know that you will always be there for him. Keep things as they are, it's not personal, it is a backhanded compliment.

DeWe · 22/12/2011 11:52

I looked after a little girl of about that age who used to see me coming and fetch her dm's coat and almost push her out of the door. She said my name before mummy too. However I know that she preferred mummy to me but she thought I was quite fun to be with for a change. Mummy was there for 5 days a week so I was a fun change for 2.

Original poster

normalshmormal · 22/12/2011 11:56

"Couldn't pick me out of a line up"

A lot of the time I do feel like I'm just 'meeting his needs' though I love him fiercely. I give as much as I can most of the time, but there are times I could do more..

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 22/12/2011 11:58

Perhaps he just doesn't want to say goodbye so is avoiding it rather than preferring her? :)

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2011 11:59

To be fair, even SAHM's feel that, normal

Parenthood is one long guilt trip and then we get the Grandkids and become MILs...so best get used to always being in the wrong!

Original poster

normalshmormal · 22/12/2011 12:00

Spanky, believe it or not, your post brought a tear to my eye... I'm feeling a bit emotional about it, and that's so reassuring.

OP posts:

JellyMould · 22/12/2011 12:03

Exactly what Spanky said. You're not exciting to him, because you're not novel. He knows he can always rely on you, so doesn't need to push for your attention.

Gottalovecosta · 22/12/2011 12:03

I'm a childminder and my mindess often go through stages, one little girl used to cry and cry on drop off and collection and was fine in the day, I always wondered if her parents believed me that she was fine once they were gone! Another little boy I've had since he was 6 months comes running in and hugs me and won't say goodbye to mum/dad and often doesn't want to leave, I hope it shows them that he is attached and having fun while they work. She has mentioned in the past that she must be boring compared to me but I think noone compares to Mummy :-)

NinkyNonker · 22/12/2011 12:05

In the middle of the night when he has bad dream or doesn't feel well it will be you he wants, no-one else will compare.

5318hoho8 · 22/12/2011 12:08

yes, ninky is right

dmo · 22/12/2011 12:09

As a childminder i feel so guilty if the child prefers me to their parent
One child called his mum dmo and at 2 is only just calling his mum mummy.
Feel safe in the knowledge that he does love you and will know you for the rest of his life he will have forgotten the childminder a yr after he leaves xx
Just feel happy that he loves his cm and is safe there and that he is happy when he is with just you
You work only 2 days per week so you have 5 days with your child xx

ClipboardAnnie · 22/12/2011 12:12

He sounds a confident and happy little boy and you have chosen a super CM for him. Pat yourself on the back!

spanky2 · 22/12/2011 12:12

I'm glad I could help!

ImperialBlether · 22/12/2011 12:16

Do you chat a lot to your child? (Wouldn't ask but there was another thread where it seemed a lot of women didn't.) Do you involve him in the tasks you do or does he sit and play whilst you do your chores?

CailinDana · 22/12/2011 12:24

I agree with spanky. I think a child who's happy to go to others is a child who's secure and confident. Normal, your DS knows for sure that you'll be back for him and wants to get on with his fun. He's not afraid that you won't be there or worried that he's going to be abandoned, which is a great thing. He's also very aware of his routine - once he's handed over to the cm that his cm time and you trying to get a kiss from him is just an annoyance at that stage :)

I'm at home all the time with DS (1 year) and yet he'll go to anyone and isn't really bothered about me until he's sick or unhappy. At babygroups I have to pull him off other mums as he tries to climb onto their laps!

confusedcom · 22/12/2011 12:29

Ticklemonster2 · 22/12/2011 12:30

I promise, it is just the novelty factor for him. He gets someone to play with him 2 days a week who's job it is to be fun and exciting.
Don't be too hard on yourself. He loves you to bits. You are his mum and no one else x

maras2 · 22/12/2011 12:31

Flippin kids, break your heart don't they.When girl Maras was a toddler,she preferred the old man next door than she did me.I gave her one on one attention all day as I worked evenings but she still used to whine 'Want Harry not you'.She did eventually grow out of it though.Probably when she went to school when she preferred her teacher.Now she knows how it feels as her DS1 is in nursery 3 days and can't wait to go back when it's his days off.Like I said flippin kids.

breatheslowly · 22/12/2011 12:38

DD is 15 mo and when I drop her at nursery she is straight into the arms of one of the workers and when they say "wave goodbye to mummy" tends to wave at a wall and rarely looks back at me, let alone with any regret that I am going. She has cried when I have left her, but only because she was playing with my keys and I needed to take them with me. This morning I dropped her off during breakfast and she couldn't take her eyes off the breakfast table to wave me goodbye.

What is your DS like when you collect him? DH does most of our collections and gets the better end of the deal as she is generally delighted to see either of us. She toddles towards me with her arms outstretched for a cuddle, but then often veers off when she notices something interesting nearby.

I just assume that this is the sign of a very secure and happy child. DD knows that I am there for her so is able to take me for granted and is very happy at nursery. When she falls over she does want me, even though I can be a little unsympathetic at times.

In contrast to nursery, if DH or I leave the house without her she does get upset. It seems to be about the context - we are going somewhere exciting and she doesn't know when we will come back, whereas nursery has such a clear routine that she knows she will have fun and we will collect her.

Yulewithadragontattoo · 22/12/2011 12:40

My DD, my first, had a lovely key carer when she started nursery who she loved so much. She is now looking after my DS who adores her too. I was glad as wanted them to be having a wonderful time when I wasn't around. Be happy that he are well settled with his childminder. She is an extra relationship to him and won't replace you :)

My DSis was at ours the other evening when my DH got home from work. She said "oh I see we've got a rock star visiting" while the children literally scrabbled at the door shouting "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" while DH put his bike away. It's normal but you're his mum and will always be the most important one to him.

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