to be gutted that DS 14 mo appears to prefer childminder to me!

[normalshmormal]

He always wriggles from my arms to hug her when I drop him off, which I can rationalise as being great that he doesn't hate being left.

But this morning she was holding him and said 'give mummy a kiss by bye bye' and he squirmed away from me, burying his head in her chest.... gutting.

She is fabulous, and I know I'm lucky to have her, but it made me wonder what I've done/haven't done to deserve this. I work 2 days, and I feel guilty that maybe I don't give him enough attention on the days we're at home together as there always seems to be a million jobs to do.

He is great with me when we're together, but as soon as DH arrives home, it is like a celebrity has arrived. I can get my head round this, but the childminder being above me in the favourites list is too much!

I realise that at 14 mo, he doesn't realise he is hurting me, and there isn't an awful lot I can do - maybe devote more attention to him when we're togther?

Do you think it could just be that at his age he doesn't know how to do a polite transition from you to the cm - saying goodbye nicely, to make you feel valued, like an older child would eventually learn to do? at about seventeen: I live in hope

In that situation, he's just moved on mentally from you towards relating to the cm and the interesting activities he's anticipating in the next few minutes, and possibly doesn't want to delay or jeopardise the fun!

On the other hand I am aware that mothers feel guilty by default and don't want to beat myself up if this is normal.

I disagree. Why do you feel guilty? Perhaps your DS is picking up on this?

Also you ask what you have/haven't done to deserve it, which seems a rather negative outlook - almost like you are trying too hard to "earn" his love (could be reading way more into your OP than I should be).

I think situations like this serve to make you look at yourself more closely, to look where you could make improvements in your life....and we can all do that.

I can see why seeing your DS nuzzle into the CM would be hurtful for you. I am sure the CM felt awkward too. Can you ask the CM how much they talk about home and Mum and Dad during the day? CMs should be able to talk to the child about things which are important to you as a family. Does the CM have photos of your and your family for you DS to look at during the day?

Do you have other children? Only, you seem rather overwhelmed with your housework even though you have 5 days where you are at home.

I agree with alot of what others have said. A child who had not made secure attachments would not be so happy to go to the CM.

Thanks for the messages, I'm feeling a lot less rubbish now.

Imperial, I talk to him a fair bit, but it all gets a bit 'now I'm hanging out mummy's socks to dry, and now daddy's pants, and now...." and so on, till I think it'll drive us both bonkers and stop for a while. I tend to put the radio on so it feels like there's talking in the house...

Bonkers, I do feel a bit like I have to earn his love. I don't feel massively confident of his love at the moment, even though I know rationally that he does love me.

And I agree that there's always room for improvement.

Oh yeah...."talking" to 14 month olds. You can just hear yourself going yabber yabber yabber!

It gets much for fun around 2 when you can really talk to them!

I'd be thankfully that your LO likes her so much.

My best pal is a CM & when she picks up her brood from the same door I pick my DS from he says "hi mum" then walk off the my pal! Insists on walking home holding her hand!

The son who "couldn't pick me out of a lineup" now tells me he loves me all the time and snuggles up in bed for "a little chat" most evenings - it is hugely more rewarding mothering a 4 year old than a 2 year old in my opinion. I wonder if his clingy two year old brother will shun me utterly once he's more independent!

normal as others have said, don't worry. Both my DC have been like this and it really breaks your heart. But when it comes down to it, you are his mum and that is the only thing that matters in the long run. It's not because you don't pay him enough attention at all or that he doesn't love you, it's just a phase.

Mind you even though I know all this I was still a bit upset at the weekend when DS2 (22 months) wouldn't let me put him to bed for a few nights and insisted on Daddy. Maternal guilt is great innit!

Trust me, it hurts a damn sight more to leave them when they are crying and clinging to you. Or looking away with shiny eyes and a trembling lip because they want to be brave

DS is getting better but he's never happy to be left. He would always rather stay with me. The day my boy smiles and waves bye bye to me when I drop him at the CM will be a happy one indeed for me.

Novelty! as I remind my DH when DDs ignore me in favour of him

agree with Ninky - if he wakes in the night having had a bad dream, it's you he'll want. I recently drove my DD to her CM, and the CM was out on the drive putting something in her car when we got there, not inside as she usually is. My 2yo DD jumped up in her seat (well, as much as you can when you're strapped in!) and shouted her name excitedly. Luckily she still wakes fairly regularly in the middle of the night wanting me and only me so her wanting the CM is a relief rather than a worry :o