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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To continue to use the names we chose for DF and his wife

40 replies

KD0706 · 21/12/2011 22:12

So, I'm really not sure if I am being rude

My DD is 18 months old. She has a grandma and grandad - DHs parents. Granny - my mum. And grandpa and grandma [her first name] - my dad and his wife.

I also have a step mum who is my dads ex wife but was around for much of my childhood. DD doesn't call her anything specific, she's just her first name. Don't have much contact with her.

So, when DD was born my dads wife said something about wanting to be grandma to her. I said that would be lovely, we would refer to her as grandma [first name]. I honestly don't recall if she agreed to this or if she just didn't say anything but she certainly didn't argue.

I'm not close to dad and his wife, see them 2-3 times per year and speak on the phone maybe every couple of months.

Every card, present, thank you note that I send to them I address to grandpa and grandma [first name]. Every gift and card they send us is signed from grandma and grandad.

I kind of feel that DD has a grandma and grandad already, and that we are being accommodating enough by calling dads wife grandma anything. But at the same time I'm wondering if I'm being rude by continuing to insist on the label we've chosen. It's fairly unlikely to confuse DD (just 18 months at the mo) as she will have so little to do with dad and his wife. So should I just start calling them the name dads wife has chosen?

Sorry, this is such a random point when others have much more important worries!!

OP posts:
thepeoplesprincess · 21/12/2011 22:15

I would say that considering you don't particularly seem to mind either way then just call them what they want to be called. No point creating an issue out of something that absolutely doesn't need to be.

Kayano · 21/12/2011 22:17

But she is grandma x just not putting the x.

Does it really matter? You don't see them that often and they have prob not given it THAT much thought. Writing granda and grandma x instead of granda and grandma is a bit odd

Kids are not daft they will know who is who

MorelliOrRanger · 21/12/2011 22:17

We have this issue as well with DP's father and wife. DD calls them Grandad and her first name only. She only sees them a few times a year.

They always sign stuff off as Grandad and Grandma First name.

I will carry on as we are as will DD and I will not be changing it.

And I won't be losing sleep over it either.

So you ANBU in my opinion to carry on as you are.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2011 22:20

Honestly I think it boils down more to what they are used to Grandparents being called.

My eldest Niece and Nephew called my Mum and Dad 'Grandma and Grandad', but they used to sign their cards from 'Nanny and Grandad'

My sister never gave it a second thought and nor did her kids.

AmorYCohetes · 21/12/2011 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 22:21

A lot of fuss about nothing. DD will soon sort out her own names-just leave it to her.

Original poster
KD0706 · 21/12/2011 22:21

I think the thing is, I was trying to be nice by agreeing to the grandma tag despite the fact that to my mind she isn't actually her grandparent. Hence adding the forename. My initial instinct was that she should just be known by her forename but I figured that would be inflammatory.

I am probably being a bit of a spoilt brat about it but am trying not to be!

I just feel she should be grateful to be grandma x and not try to force herself to be just grandma.
And my dad was grandpa because that's what grandfathers in my family have always been called, but she signs grandad on his behalf.

Actually, typing this I'm getting a bit embarrassed at myself. Maybe a teeny bit childish!! Blush

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 21/12/2011 22:22

It seems such a non-issue tbh. If you can be bothered to write Grandma X etc then go ahead; if they can't and just write Grandma, surely it doesn't matter?

thepeoplesprincess · 21/12/2011 22:23

I refer to my dad's partner as 'the slag' so either way you're a far better woman than me Grin

Kayano · 21/12/2011 22:24

Well if you feel the title of grandma was something she should be grateful to have and obv not overly keen to bestow it on her then you shouldn't have done.

It's done now, you have her the grandma title and she is using it... Hmm

Hulababy · 21/12/2011 22:24

My DD has two nana and grandads. She distinguishes them, if taking about them, using their surnames. But each only signs cards etc as nana and grandad. We have had no problems whatsoever with any confusion.

She also has a great nana and grandad but doesn't use the great when with them, a grandad great who she just calls grandad to him, and a grandma. Children can cope perfectly fine and just don't find it confusing ime.

slavetofilofax · 21/12/2011 22:26

I think it's quite cheeky of her to assume she gets to use a name that is actually quite special. Grandma, or whatever variation you want to use, is a name that is reserved for parents of the parents, and if she is not your parent or your dh's parent, then she is already in a privelidged position if she gets to be referred to as any type of Grandma by your dd.

I would stick to Grandma HerName.

Hulababy · 21/12/2011 22:27

Not sure why she should feel grateful though. Sounds like she just wants a nice relationship with your child.

My DD's grandma great (now sadly not with us) was in relaity her step great grandma. DH never called her grandma but by her first name as she wans;t hsi grandma and came into his life when he was a much older teen/early 20s, but she was a great grandma figure to our DD when she came along. And she treated DD as a great grandchild as much as her "real" great grandchildren.

canyou · 21/12/2011 22:27

Don't worry whatever is now chosen may not last, My Mum was to be Grandma and Dad to be Grandpa. First Grandchild called them Nana and Top's and 6 grandchildren later it has not changed. Leave as it is and don't correct DD but copy her when she starts to name them and it will stick Wink

UniS · 21/12/2011 22:28

kids cope pretty well with having two granmas/ grannys/ nannas... even if you do refer to them as granny A and granny B .

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 22:28

Parents just do not have control of other people's names-however much they might want to.

MorelliOrRanger · 21/12/2011 22:29

PMSL at thepeoplesprincess :o

Smallstuff · 21/12/2011 22:30

It isn't sometimes that easy though is it. my DC have seven grandparents. Yep count them!!
When we were trying to think of a way of distinguishing them we couldn't even use surnames as my MIL still (at that time) had my FIL surname despite being divorced and my FIL was re married. so there would have been two Grandma Xs. My mum had reverted to her maiden name and DF remarried but his wife has not taken his surname as she would then have been exactly the same name as me surname and first name!
So we used first names and then on DHs side Granddad and on my side Grandpa ( as that is what we were used to as kids). all of the GPs use this and are happy to do so. And actually my kids do get confused with who is who and so without those first names it would be harder still. So YABU.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2011 22:31

OP, I have this image of you with everyone kneeling before you, whilst you tap them on the shoulder with a sword and bestow their titles upon them Grin

"Arise Grandma X" etc.....

Smallstuff · 21/12/2011 22:32

Sorry YANBU!

Cabrinha · 21/12/2011 22:36

I think UABtotallyU about her signing grandpa as grandad. He should sign it himself, blame anyone blame him.

Maybe she sees 'grandma name' as your way of distinguishing her, rather than her proper name?

So you would say 'we're going to see grandma name' but when you get there, she's grandma.

Pancakeflipper · 21/12/2011 22:46

I had 2 grandmas and 2 grandads. And I never got them confused. I knew exactly who was who. I think your child will cope.

Original poster
KD0706 · 21/12/2011 22:47

Oh yes cabrinha there's a whole other dimension in terms of the fact the card is blatantly from her with zero input from dad. We got in the post today a Christmas card from them, and dads wife had written card, the to/from bit on the voucher they've kindly given her for Christmas and the envelope. Zero input from dad. Which I can't blame wife for at all.

I'm just sat here thinking about the thank you card. And if I'm being ignorant writing it to grandpa and grandma x when they have sent a gift from grandma and grandad. I sent a Christmas card to them on DDs behalf and also a gift from her, all addressed 'my way'.

OP posts:
Original poster
KD0706 · 21/12/2011 22:48

And spot on worra
I kindly bestowed upon her the title grandma x in my royal position as A Mother. The simple act of giving birth of course entitles me to dictate what others are known as Grin

OP posts:
BandOMothers · 21/12/2011 22:53

I have the opposite trouble...my DD began calling DHs Mum by her first name very early on and MIL sort of liked it...and it stuck...I keep referring to her as NannyX or GrandmaX but neither DD will do it and she''s always just X. MIL hasn't complaned but I DO worry she feels bad...it's only a name in the end..wont change the relationship.