To continue to use the names we chose for DF and his wife

[KD0706]

So, I'm really not sure if I am being rude

My DD is 18 months old. She has a grandma and grandad - DHs parents. Granny - my mum. And grandpa and grandma [her first name] - my dad and his wife.

I also have a step mum who is my dads ex wife but was around for much of my childhood. DD doesn't call her anything specific, she's just her first name. Don't have much contact with her.

So, when DD was born my dads wife said something about wanting to be grandma to her. I said that would be lovely, we would refer to her as grandma [first name]. I honestly don't recall if she agreed to this or if she just didn't say anything but she certainly didn't argue.

I'm not close to dad and his wife, see them 2-3 times per year and speak on the phone maybe every couple of months.

Every card, present, thank you note that I send to them I address to grandpa and grandma [first name]. Every gift and card they send us is signed from grandma and grandad.

I kind of feel that DD has a grandma and grandad already, and that we are being accommodating enough by calling dads wife grandma anything. But at the same time I'm wondering if I'm being rude by continuing to insist on the label we've chosen. It's fairly unlikely to confuse DD (just 18 months at the mo) as she will have so little to do with dad and his wife. So should I just start calling them the name dads wife has chosen?

Sorry, this is such a random point when others have much more important worries!!

I think that YAB a bit U, actually, and should do the decent thing and call her what she wants to be called. You say she 'should be grateful' - yet if it wasn't for her you probably wouldn't get much in the way of cards/presents from your dad because he wouldn't remember to send them - his DW does it for him! So it's only polite to make her feel included in the family. She sounds as if she's trying to make an effort with your dch.

I understand what you mean miranda it's quite a complicated situation (aren't families always) and I'm not convinced we would necessarily have less to do with dad if his wife wasn't on the scene. There have been issues in the past which meant for a few years I saw him once or twice a year when he managed to sneak away. (yes, dads fault as well as his wife's for not sorting it out). So perhaps he would forget to send a Christmas card but we might see him more. But maybe not. Who knows...

But I guess the bottom line is she is clearly making an effort by sending a card and gift. I don't doubt it was her who went out and bought them. She was definitely the one who sent them.

I am probably being childish about it, and the poster who said I shouldn't have agreed to her being grandma in the first place is right. If I had such a big issue with it I should have spoken up, I agreed to the grandma x tag to try to keep the peace so it's maybe not such a big leap to drop the x bit...

Or I could go with peoplesprincess and address the thank you card to grandpa and the slag... Or maybe not. (disclaimer, she isn't a slag at all, a reasonably pleasant woman but just somebody I don't know that well and who I think just isn't really my cup of tea, just as I'm not hers)

I always called my mum's parents Grandma and Granda [insert mum's maiden name] and by dad's parents Grandma and Granda [insert dad's surname]. All grandparents were Grandma and Granda in their Irish immigrant community and that is how we differentiated. I don't think my mum and dad ever worried about it.

You didn't want to give her a title at all did you?

and now you feel she has taken it that little bit too far by removing the bit you wantedher to use ...

Nothing you can do I guess?

One of my MIL's (long story) has decided to start calling herself Grandma-surname. We have never called her that...she just changed it (after 13 years)

Don't worry about it, your DD won't even notice :)

I always refer to my ex MIL as grandma (name) DD insists on calling her Fat Nanny (not to her face though)

not sure what the issue is?

I had 2 Nanna's (sadly only 1 Grandad) and was never confused. My 2 DC have 4 Nannas (2 great grandmothers) and distinguish them by their first name, and 2 grandads. The grandads are more troublesome as they both have the same forename, so they are known as the Nan's first name e.g. Grandad Julie

They have never been confused, the grandparents have never been confused even from a very early age

My children have 2 granddads, neither of whom are related by blood to h or me - so we don't call or think of them them as dad. But they've been round for all of the childrens lives, so to them they are their granddads and the granddads treat them like they are blood relatives. It doesn't seem to cause confusion that they are both known as granddad either.

In our situation - I'm known as "nanny first name" but the other two grandmas are known as "nanny surname" - its what's sort of evolved by what my stepdaughter came to label us - no idea why I get first name and they get surname?! shrugs

It sounds to me like you are being pretty mean to be honest. I say that as someone with a step mum (who married my dad well after I left home and was grown up)
If she is acting like a grandma (buying your dd presents, writing her cards, remembering her birthday, caring about her) then let her be called grandma!
My kids have 9 nannys and grandads (including my stepmum and their great grandparents) and we call them nanny x to differentiate between them when referring to them but to their faces and in cards they are all just nanny.
I think that if your step mum is trying her best to be a good grandma then you getting cross at her trying to use the grandma title when you think she should have a less important one is pretty mean and a real shame

I had a Grandma x and a Grandma z I do not really see what the issue is with having the name added to the Grandma bit. How does it somehow make it less respectable to be a Grandma x than just Grandma?

We used to call our grandparents nanna and Grampa Swansea ( guess where they lived?!) and nanna and Grampa (surname) - this was when we were referring to them or talking about them. If talking to them or writing to them they were just nanna and Grampa. Hope that makes sense!

FILs ex-wife always (when married to FIL) wanted our DCs to call her the pet name that a cousin called her when he couldn't say grandma. It sounded a lot like 'mummy' and was unutterably twee and foul. It has taken 3 solid years of calling her Grandma [first name] and this Christmas she has finally accepted it and signed cards etc as it!

I couldn't have cared less if she had wanted to be grandma/granny/gamma/nan, but I just couldn't live with a name that stemmed from a toddler's pronunciation of Grandma [first name].

But I am a bit of a cow and possibly not best placed to advise

both sets of my grandparents were just grandma and grandad.

I was never confused and neither was anyone else.

Just saying.

All grandparents in the house are/were referred to as nanny and grandad...my parents, Dh's parents, and both sets of my grandparents

Never caused any confusion as when referring to them we just tag a first or surname on, or in the case of dh's parents, dd tagged the name of his youngest brother, which kind of stuck, So they became nanny & grandad

But when talking face to face/ signing cards etc would always say/write nanny and grandad.

Bit of a non issue really.

I always understood that actually it is the Grandparents who get to choose what they are called?

I had a grandma and grandad (mum's parents), and a gran and grandpa (dad's parents). I had expected to carry on in the same vein when my children were born but the PIL already had grandchildren and insisted on being nanny and grandad.

I can't abide 'nanny', I think it's awful and really objected to it, but MIL wasn't shifting (DC5 has taken it upon herself to call her Granny, for reasons known only to herself ). I also didn't appreciate FIL 'stealing' my dad's rightful name .

The children had no problems with it at all. My mum was amazed when DD1, aged 21 months noted at DS1's christening "two grandads".

There are more important things to get het up about.