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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

time to give up

37 replies

DependencyInjection · 21/12/2011 21:18

I think I'm really fed up of being reasonable
so are these unreasonable things

work is boring and I get patronised alot - I think I will quit between christmas and the new year (just walk, the reference is worthless see below)

DW drinks every night (min 1 btl wine) - I'd like her to drink less

For DW, DD1 & DD2 to listen to me (ah! great expectations with rose tinted glasses there)

For senior management of an FSA regulated City Company to listen when they are told that their golden boy has littered the company with programmatic security holes

For collegues to listen to me given that its based on knowledge and experience (and a fair few qualifications) - rather than doing what they want and droping the company payroll database.

To be able to go out for a few beers of an evening without feeling guilty about it

Sad thing is I find that the only people who appear to be prepared to listen to me or take an interest are the local tramps and rough sleepers who sleep on the overground sideings - they are the one who ask how my children are doing or if DW is feeling better after her illness or how things are going at work.

Meh!

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WorraLiberty · 21/12/2011 21:20

Sounds like you need to get yourself on some sort of assertiveness course?

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 21/12/2011 21:21

Don't do anything rash - it's a stressful time of year. Get through the next few weeks then take stock.

Is your DW aware that she has a drink problem?

Kayano · 21/12/2011 21:21

hug

What has dw said about her drinking? Can you now whistleblow to FSA or relevant people?

Will you be ok if you just
Walk out workwise? We are always here to listen too Smile

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 21/12/2011 21:23

lol assetiveness please. No when I say to chumps "No Do not do that" ooo!!! your rude /aggressive/nasty... they are lucky I don't point out how moronic they are being.
Straight forward statements of fact and assertion appear to be considered threatening

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Kiwiinkits · 21/12/2011 21:25

Have you ever said to your wife, "Sometimes I feel like I am not listened to. What can I do to make you hear, and respond to, what I want?"

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 21/12/2011 21:25

Kayano :- I'd forgotten about the whistleblowing line thanks - that has actually made my day and cheered me up no end. Finacially we're fine

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Kiwiinkits · 21/12/2011 21:26

Maybe it is a lack of assertiveness Dependency, or at least a lack of ability to put your ideas across. I mean, if it's happening both at home AND at work then the common denominator is you.

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 21/12/2011 21:27

Kiwiinkits I've tried all I get is yeh yeh yeh and the status quo remains

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Original poster
DependencyInjection · 21/12/2011 21:29

of course the common denominator is me. I can't seem to get the middle ground its either meh! or an explosion... I'd like the middle ground

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helpmabob · 21/12/2011 21:34

I think you definitely need to make some big changes. Would you be able to survive financially if you quit? You sound depressed to me and something is going to snap unless you deal with it now.

I reckon making changes is like a vicious circle in reverse. Once you change one aspect of your life the rest happens.

Have you tried talking to your wife before she starts drinking?

Thankgodforcaffeine · 21/12/2011 21:36

hug

It is tough when you feel that both work and home life are pants. Thank god for mn! Xmas Smile

I have been there except I couldn't afford to walk out of my job so had to keep turning up there every day.

Try and give yourself a month before you make any big decision, see if anything changes or if you just see things differently then. And if you think nothing has changed, then yes you need to make changes, but make sure they don't backfire.

What I mean is, if you did walk out of your job and then struggled to make a living then surely it would make things worse?

Has anyone else noticed DW's problem? Her parents, friends? Would she listen to anyone eslse?

Thankgodforcaffeine · 21/12/2011 21:38

And more importantly, have YOU got anyone to talk to in RL?

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 21/12/2011 21:39

Sad thing is though I do think I state things clearly. Today I asked for a meeting with a Direcor and senior manager of governance. To tell them about the numerous security holes and that their rockstar has applied no security, authentication or authorisation to the company's crown jewels software. Oh! no that can't be he's one of our most trusted and experience programmers. So I ask them to come to my workstation and watch me tunnel through it, into the "secure" db cluster hop into the HR db and get some of their personal info without my presence being logged.
The outcome of the meeting is to have a roadmap meeting while I'm on holiday hmmm!

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Original poster
DependencyInjection · 21/12/2011 21:47

Has anyone else noticed DW's problem? Her parents, friends? Would she listen to anyone eslse?

yup

Have you tried talking to your wife before she starts drinking?
yup

doesn't seem to get me anywhere - from shouting to talking rationally to trying to make deals over behaviour or suggesting talking to a professional

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Thankgodforcaffeine · 21/12/2011 21:48

You have done your best to show them the problem, they are probably embarrassed to have put their trust into the other guy in the first place?

Thankgodforcaffeine · 21/12/2011 21:50

about your DW, maybe if you talked to a professional they could help you get through to her?

Or what about an American-style "intervention"?

SquirtedPerfumeOverTheTinsel · 21/12/2011 21:52

In work have you a person responsible for your IT Security? He will be interested in what you have to say. Or Internal Auditors? But...it may be you have to take the high ground here. You have reported and documented? your concerns. Others will have to take responsibility for choosing to take no action if it all falls over. You must also appreciate too that there may well be valid business reasons that an internal app does not authenticate users. Single sign on, maybe, and logs held in places you have no knowledge of that provide an accurate audit trail? In most companies, attempting to prove a weakness exists is in itself a problem.

No advice re DD's not listening. Why do you feel guilty for
going out for a few beers?

Kiwiinkits · 21/12/2011 21:56

New year, new beginnings. A change is as good as a holiday; perhaps leaving your job is a good idea. Shake it up a bit. Take your wife on holiday.

In your resignation letter state that the reason you are leaving is because you have pointed out security issues that you feel have not been adequately responded to by management.

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 21/12/2011 22:07

Trust me when I said what I did to the internal service, I know full well what I'm doing and frankly - its a very spurious reason eg security is not mention on the reqs so we don't do it - is not good. SSO - wish there was and as for auditing well lets not go there. The company knows I'm getting my CISSP late next year, so the nearest equivalent of a "Security Maven" I guess would be me.

Why and I guilty for going out for a beer... cos I get the "it's not fair - you get to go out I don't" I haven't met up with my mates for over three months. Plus I find getting pissed up boring - its really no fun anymore

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Whatmeworry · 21/12/2011 22:15

For senior management of an FSA regulated City Company to listen when they are told that their golden boy has littered the company with programmatic security holes

Ever thus, don't waste your breath. I am sure you are being very clear, but they don't want to know as it requires them to change behaviour etc. Sounds like a sick company, and an impossible position for one who cares. I am not a fan of whistleblowing as its typically the blower who gets hung to dry, maybe a job move in the New Year?

Home thing sounds far harder, doesn't sound like there is a lot for you there. Could you leave?

SquirtedPerfumeOverTheTinsel · 21/12/2011 22:16

CISSP shouldn't take that length of time to achieve! However, even if the financial regulator isn't interested in IT Security countermeasures, your company will be required to provide an assurance statement which will detail security, and someone at senior management level is signing off. Your company will also be governed by best practice at national level, and will have reps on various committees. I think there's a real possibility here you don't know the full picture. Think before you flounce out of a good job.

I agree that going out to get pissed isn't what it used to be, but do you and DW have any social life together?

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 21/12/2011 22:19

Just had a barny with DW over drinking.
She's in a pub right now.
She - "I'm just going to stay another half hour"
Me - "Yeh - then it'll be another half hour, then another half hour, just another drink, just another bottle on and on"
She put the phone down on me.
I'm so damn unreasonable eh! to ask her not to have another drink. Bad bastard me.
My sex life's pretty shit - so why not apply the same philosophy to... well lets not go there cos that totally pathetic. grrr!!!!

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SquirtedPerfumeOverTheTinsel · 21/12/2011 22:24

Oh. Does she go out to drink then? I thought you meant in the house.
Is there another reason she is out every night drinking?

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 21/12/2011 22:25

CISSP takes quite a while to get, plus the next exam taken here in the UK by my training provider isn't scheduled yet. The assurance has been from external pen testing, not internal security breaches.
Secure coding is not governed at a national level.
There is a real possibility I know the full picture... and if it wasn't that I cared about the basic trade-craft of my profession I would be feeling the way I do.

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Original poster
DependencyInjection · 21/12/2011 22:26

In house and out of house only day she doesn't drink is when she has a monster hangover - then its only half a bottle

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