My ^delightful^ sister...

[fuzzypeach1750]

Sorry if this is long......

My DSis is 4 yrs younger than me and has been married for 1 yr. I've been married for 8 yrs and have 3 DC. Ever since we were young there have been jealousy issues (from her side) which have continued into adulthood.

She called today for a chat which went down hill rapidly. My DH and I are lucky in many ways, we have our 3 DC (but have suffered heartbreak along the way as we lost a DD this year at 16 weeks), we have a lovely life style (through hard work as we own businesses) and send the DC to private school. We are sensible with our money and also have a second home in the south of France.

DSis has been TTC for a few months with no luck as of yet. Her DH is almost 20 yrs older than she is so that might have something to do with it. I've been tactful when talking about it and have even offered to be surrogate for her if needs be. She has always been the one starting these conversations, I haven't for fear of upsetting her.

Her lifestyle with her DH is a very lonely one. He moved her to the other end of the country and controls her every move. There have been times when she's been close to leaving and I have offered her a place to stay and a job. Every time she has changed her mind about leaving I have supported her. She has no money as she doesn't work and any money my parents give her she spends on her DH.

We got to talking about Christmas as they, along with 10 others, are coming to us again this year and she was very very rude when asking what our DC were having. I was tactful and just said 'oh this and that' without giving details, said that they'd asked for everything as DC do but certainly won't be getting it. I try to make light of every situation regarding money but she always says things like it's not fair, i wish i had that etc. When my eldest turned 7 she was openly envious of her gifts!!!

I love her very much and want a good relationship with her but this 'have and have not' crap coming from her and her DH is doing my head in.

How do i deal with this?

:-( So sorry to hear about your loss of your DD.

Your sister sounds quite similar to my SIL. My SIL is openly jealous of everything DH and I have.

I don't know what you can do really; she is an adult and I would probably just leave her to get on with it. Be there for her but just ignore the jealous comments.

If I were you, I'd bite my lip. It sounds as though she might not be terribly happy. If she is envious of your lifestyle (and it does sound like a very nice lifestyle indeed! am quite envious myself) then it may well end up manifesting itself in the odd barbed comment.

She is unsuccessfully trying for a baby, living in an isolated place with not much support around her, with no money and a controlling partner - sounds to me like an awful situation. I can quite understand how she would be envious of you. I guess she probably thinks that, despite the heartache you have had, at least you are not childless.

It can be very difficult for women in that kind of position to get the strength and self-confidence together to deal with it and change her life. I think you should try to stay strong for her and keep offering her the emotional support that you have done - and try to ignore the jealous comments.

How is your relationship with her otherwise?

Ignore it. Keep doing what you're doing ie being there ready to help her out if she needs you. You can't do any more than that. Her jealousy is her problem and all you can do is try to rise above it and not let it get to you. I have similar problems with my brother; it's tedious but there's nothing you can do to change her behaviour.

thank you for your kind replies. Our relationship has been good but distant as she went to boarding school aged 11 (her choice) and I stayed at home. I love her so much and I hurt for her and I know she's unhappy but her comments are making me unhappy.

Maybe I should just tell her again that I love her and am always here no matter what she needs from me and try to rise above the snide comments.

V sorry about your dd

Sounds difficult. Would be wary of offering surrogacy - in an already complicated relationship this might be a bad plan. Also fraught with issues, e.g whose eggs / sperm (if her partner's spem is the problem then conceiving and carrying to term may be an issue for you as well as your DSIS).

DSis has been TTC for a few months with no luck as of yet. Her DH is almost 20 yrs older than she is so that might have something to do with it. I've been tactful when talking about it and have even offered to be surrogate for her if needs be

Sorry - but no wonder you two have issues - Im sure the offer of your womb was meant well, and the snide her Dh is past it wasn't meant nastily ...Dear God "trying for a few months" ... but who the hell needs a sister like you? No wonder she went to boarding school through choice.

If only there was a way you could gently explain it to her, like you just did in your last post, but I bet she would take offence any way you put it! such a shame...

Ow! Back in the knife box, Miss Sharp! That's to you, Trois Garcons - that was a bit unnecessary, wasn't it?

i offered to be her surrogate as she asked!!!!! god, some people!!

thanks to everyone else for their replies

Your sister is an adult, and she has made different choices in life.
Marry a much older man, not work, and move far away, spend money on her man rather than save.... Of course her lifestyle is different, through choice. You could try not bite your lips so much and be honest with her. Seems like she needs to know that great lifestyles and wealth just dont fall into her lap, she needs to actually try get it. And sitting on her arse not working will not achieve that.

Bit of a *fluffy me" thread isn t it? offerning the womb in one paragraph - and offering her a room to stay in on the next.

SometimesI really wonder if threads are indeed the manufacture of wandering minds

let me think - my sister is with an aged control freak, so I offer to rehome her- then lend her my womb so she can have a baby with the addled spermed fella. I might mention Im sooooo lucky and rich and wonder why the aforesaid sister is pissed off.

That's quite odd, to ask you to be a surrogate after only trying for a few months! It can take ages to conceive, I think the advice usually trotted out is to try for a year, (i.e. have sex every second day), and then if no luck look into fertility testing.

Oh seriously woman learn to read. She asked me to carry a child I said that I'd she needed it then yes but it was too soon to think about things like that.

I offered her a room and a job when she said she wanted to leave but felt trapped.

I don't wander around all look at me and how bloody wonderful I am. Pull your head in.

Not you kiwi

trois no need. Fuzzy, sorry about your loss.

I'm sorry for the loss of your DD OP :(

Do you think perhaps your offers actually perpetuate her envy? Your answers to her problems are practical ones, providing things that you have that she does not - the offer of surrogacy if she can't have a baby, a room in your house and a job at your business if she leaves her DH. As lovely (particularly the first one) as these offers are, if she sees you as being in an elevated position compared to her then this will only make it worse.

Do you think maybe what she needs is emotional support so she can carve her own life and make her own success rather than her needs being made by what physical things you can provide for her?

I think trois has a point.
OP, I read your first post as quite smug and superior.
Why my "delightful sister" ?

Thanks dickie, I hadn't thought about it like that. We try and talk a few times a week and I felt that I had quite a good ear to bend but maybe I need to try harder to let her solve her problems rather than offering to solve them for her.

Why delightful? Because at the moment she's not! What other word should I have used to convey my feelings of hurt?

And I certainly don't mean to come across as smug. Far from it, I just wanted to give all the background instead of drip feeding.

OP, maybe a bit more honesty then! Tell her you are fed up with her attitude and why. The way you are currently communicating with her is likely to reinforce the "poor relation me" attitude she has, and the image of you as the "success". She is an adult, so have an adult conversation.

Will do, thanks.

It could be something as simple as rather than saying "I can do this for you/give this to you" when she has a problem, saying "What do you think will make it better?" and then listening to what she has to say and help her reach her own conclusions.

I should think that if you empower her to take more of a control over her own life (especially if her DH is controlling) she will grow in confidence and any envy will dissipate because she will have her own achievements to be proud of.

As an aside, don't assume that this is necessarily about possessions/job/house, it could be more that she sees you as being 'sorted' and physical "stuff" is the easiest thing to get grouchy about.

Don't get this out of proportion. If you had started a thread 'do you get on with your siblings?' you would get many, many colourful replies. Siblings are not supposed to get on brilliantly, that's why we usually live separately as grown ups.

Her happiness is not your responsibility. You can be supportive, it sounds likely that things might come to a head for her in the future and you will be able to offer help when necessary.