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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my inlaws

70 replies

ChihuahuaMistress · 21/12/2011 14:26

My in laws haven't seen us for almost 2 yrs, my sone is now four, and last birthday and Christmas, he got no presents from them, which is fine, he wouldn't know them if they passed us in the street. They rang my son on his birthday,but only at a time they knew I was at work - I am a teacher, so 9.15am on a Tuesday morning is almost a cert I am at work (something else that apparently makes me evil, we should all be at home, keeping house!!!)
They hate me, long story but basically I took their precious son away from them, except he wasn't that precious until he stopped being at their beck and call and now he is precious when it suits them.

My husband is in the forces, and we are lucky enough to live quite close to my family, however we used to live close to his family where they still ignored us unless it suited them.

They were vile to me when I was pregnant with my son, telling me they were disappointed he was a boy is one particular thing I can never forgive them for (we had 3 miscarriages before we had him).

This year, they sent my husband a birthday card to our house in november, knowing he was away for almost 3 months and not due back until now, saying they were coming up last weekend to visit. My parents were going away for Christmas this year, so in fact 6 months ago we set that weekend aside for a big family get together with my brother and his family!
Needless to say, our plans carried on and they didn't come up, but today, this huge box arrived from them with Christmas presents for my son, hubby, and me (she can have them back, I have no interest in opening them, in fact it would be hypocritical given my feelings). It also contained a birthday present for my son.

This is the bit that has made all the old feelings of anger surface. She knows how I feel about the army, I hate the fact that my husband is in the army, and I hate everything to do with it. I don't take part in anything to do with the army, and even my husband considers it just a job and would get out if he hadn't the pension looming to consider. So guess what she got my son....... Yep, hm armed forces full dressing up kit complete with face paints. I was so angry. Of course, once he opened it he wanted to put it on, so what could I say!!! Thankfully after 20 min he decided it was rubbish and took it off, but when I told my husband I wasn't happy he said oh well my mum didn't know. Arghhhhhh it's like he has wiped his memory of the fuss we both made when she gave my son a camouflage fleece at six months old - he said something like there is no way any child of mine is wearing that, I'm not brainwashing him.

I am not really angry at my husband, it hurts him that his parents treat us the way they do, but it irritates me t hat he is bought by a few crappy presents.

What makes me really angry is that 1. His parents think they can buy me over with some tat that I don't even want, and 2. They bought a bloody army outfit for my child when they know I'd rather break both his legs than let him ever consider joining the armed forces and am totally against a four year old dressing like a soldier.

Sorry but I really needed to get that off my chest!missing not having my mum here to talk to about it!

Thanks if you read this far!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChihuahuaMistress · 21/12/2011 14:27

Oh and sorry for all the typos, I had my angry fingers on and they were typing too fast!

OP posts:
PiousPrat · 21/12/2011 14:36

It might have been deliberately designed to wind you up, but equally their thought process could have been more along the lines of "children like to emulate their parents, daddy is in the army so Junior can play at dressing up like daddy". My DP is an engineer and DS has already been bought 2 toy tool sets so he can fix things 'like daddy does' so in that respect I can see their point.

They may also have thought it would be a nice way for your son to feel closer to your DH if he gets posted away.

They may also be arseholes who thought long and hard about the most inappropriate present they could possibly send. Only you really know that due to your history so I'd say you ANBU to be upset that they have utterly ignored what they have been told, but YABU to let it colour your judgement of them if there is the outside chance it was an innocent mistake.

slavetofilofax · 21/12/2011 14:37

YANBU to be pissed off with your in laws.

But you might be being more angry with them than you need to be. I think some of your anger is probably directed at the army. You need to be careful about that because you don't want your son growing up knowing that Mummy hates the thing Daddy does with such passion. If you criticise whet Daddy does, then you could be criticising what he does. Every little boy deserves to feel proud of their Daddy, especially if the worst should happen to your DH because of what he does, your son will at least need to be able to feel proud of him.

One of my fears is that one of my sons will want to join the forces, but really, it's not up to me to allow hom to consoder it or not. My job is to bring up a well rounded and confident human being who is capable of making his own choces in life. If one of those choices turns out to be a career I would hate, then it will be my job to be supportive and put my own feelings aside.

Allow your son to pretend to be like Daddy in his army outfit. You will only make it more appealing if you ban it, and you will also be telling him that you think badly of his Daddy.

pictish · 21/12/2011 14:40

Jesus, I think you're making a whole load of fuss over absolutely nothing tbh.
So they sent him a dressing up outfit to emulate his dad? So what? Are your opinions the be all and end all of everything then?

Original poster
ChihuahuaMistress · 21/12/2011 14:41

Thanks for your reply. There is no chance of it being a mistake, they have been told by both of us that we don't like "army stuff" repeatedly. This is the woman who told me I was evil because she was shouting and swearing at me and I said I was sorry she felt that way but didn't shout and swear back! Oh and apparently I was also overprotective for not letting my new born son go to her sister's house where you can actually see the haze of cigarette smoke and a snarling dog throws itself at you!

I am just so fed up of them upsetting our family life now. I would love my husband to tell them to get lost but that has to be his decision. He hates phoning them, and the last time they came up he was desperate for them to leave, but they are still his parents and I'd be devastated if my parents behaved like they do.

OP posts:
pictish · 21/12/2011 14:42

You don't like army stuff....yet your dh is in the army?
You are bonkers.

Original poster
ChihuahuaMistress · 21/12/2011 14:43

Pictish, I think parents opinions about what their children do when they are our years old are actually the be all and end all of it, yes. And we both feel the same way, neither of us wants us emulating my husband interns of the forces!

OP posts:
pictish · 21/12/2011 14:44

But he is IN the forces!!!

How can you hope to take a moral stance over the army when they pay your dh's wages??

Original poster
ChihuahuaMistress · 21/12/2011 14:44

My husband was in the army before we married, it pays extremely well and gives us a good lifestyle, but it is just a job. If you hated school it wouldn't stop you marrying a teacher, so that's a ridiculous comment to make.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChihuahuaMistress · 21/12/2011 14:45

I'm not taking a moral stance. I am saying I don't want my son brainwashed aged four and that army stuff is on the banned list in this house. The issue in fact isn't with that, it's the fact that my in laws did the exact opposite of what my husband and I both told them. That is out of order in anyone's book to go against a parents wishes for their four yr old!

OP posts:
elfyrespect · 21/12/2011 14:46

"Arghhhhhh it's like he has wiped his memory of the fuss we both made when she gave my son a camouflage fleece at six months old"

I love this bit! hahahaha

pictish · 21/12/2011 14:46

Ohhh I seeeee! So...the army is to be abhored, except for the fact thatb they pay your dh well?

And your dh's parents are supposed to understand this bizarre code of moral conduct and act accordingly are they?

You've explained it to us, yet I still haven't the foggiest how your logic works either!

redlac · 21/12/2011 14:46

so you knew he was in the army but you still married him and you like the money?

I don't think its a ridiculous comment to make - you are obviously enjoying the perks of the job but at the same time hating the fact he is in the army.

Original poster
ChihuahuaMistress · 21/12/2011 14:47

Slave, he thought it was rubbish after a little whole anyway. I don't have any anger at the army. I just ignore that it exists, and in fact so does my husband unless he is overseas as he feels the same way - it is just a job!

OP posts:
redlac · 21/12/2011 14:47

why doesn't he leave a get a more 'suitable' job then?

elfyrespect · 21/12/2011 14:48

Oh but then I saw the x-post with " army stuff is on the banned list in our house" and that could be my new favourite bit.

Original poster
ChihuahuaMistress · 21/12/2011 14:48

The issue is not over my husband being in the army, in fact that is almost irrelevant.

The issue is that the in laws have gone against what BOTH MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF have told them are our wishes!

OP posts:
controlpantsandgladrags · 21/12/2011 14:48

I'm afraid I also think you're making a fuss over nothing where the dressing up outfit is concerned. DD has a collection of princess and fairy dresses...doesn't mean she's going to be a princess when she grows up.

They do sound pretty vile though.

pictish · 21/12/2011 14:49

It's a dressing up outfit!!
Bin it if you don't like it!

Why all the drama?

Original poster
ChihuahuaMistress · 21/12/2011 14:49

Why should he leave, he almost has his pension! It's just a job, the same as any other job! That's not the issue, but now I know why everyone I know with any level of intelligence stays off this website - some of you seem unable to actually read!

OP posts:
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 21/12/2011 14:50

If you don't want your son to be influenced into joining the army, maybe your dh should leave the army?

pictish · 21/12/2011 14:53

Yes....I can see how a dressing up outfit could have more influence over your son than his dad's actual job OP. You are quite right to be offended and kick up a stink and drive a further wedge between your dh and his parents. Obviously.

redlac · 21/12/2011 14:53

oh nice insult there! If it is just a job like you say, why do you hate it so much and why dont you want your son to wear a wee dressing up outfit?

squeakytoy · 21/12/2011 14:54

you want to watch yourself on that high horse..

BlueFergie · 21/12/2011 14:59

Look OP you are going to get a hard time here because you are starting to get a bit aggressive in your responses. Ithink you have a VERY negative view of your in laws. Now this could very well be justified but equally it does come across like you look for sinister motive in everything thery do and absoloutly wil not see any positives. It could very well be that your ILs don't realise that the army stuff bothers yiou so much. The prior incident happened over three years ago and even you DH doesn't remember it, maybr they don't either?
They seem to want to make an effort...trying to arrange a visit and sending a big box of gifts.
Yes they are obviously thoughtless (comment in pregnancy proves that...although my own MIL would have said similiar after 4 boys of her own she was open about wanting a DGD) BUT I see little in OP to warrant the vitirol from you.

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