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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my inlaws

70 replies

ChihuahuaMistress · 21/12/2011 14:26

My in laws haven't seen us for almost 2 yrs, my sone is now four, and last birthday and Christmas, he got no presents from them, which is fine, he wouldn't know them if they passed us in the street. They rang my son on his birthday,but only at a time they knew I was at work - I am a teacher, so 9.15am on a Tuesday morning is almost a cert I am at work (something else that apparently makes me evil, we should all be at home, keeping house!!!)
They hate me, long story but basically I took their precious son away from them, except he wasn't that precious until he stopped being at their beck and call and now he is precious when it suits them.

My husband is in the forces, and we are lucky enough to live quite close to my family, however we used to live close to his family where they still ignored us unless it suited them.

They were vile to me when I was pregnant with my son, telling me they were disappointed he was a boy is one particular thing I can never forgive them for (we had 3 miscarriages before we had him).

This year, they sent my husband a birthday card to our house in november, knowing he was away for almost 3 months and not due back until now, saying they were coming up last weekend to visit. My parents were going away for Christmas this year, so in fact 6 months ago we set that weekend aside for a big family get together with my brother and his family!
Needless to say, our plans carried on and they didn't come up, but today, this huge box arrived from them with Christmas presents for my son, hubby, and me (she can have them back, I have no interest in opening them, in fact it would be hypocritical given my feelings). It also contained a birthday present for my son.

This is the bit that has made all the old feelings of anger surface. She knows how I feel about the army, I hate the fact that my husband is in the army, and I hate everything to do with it. I don't take part in anything to do with the army, and even my husband considers it just a job and would get out if he hadn't the pension looming to consider. So guess what she got my son....... Yep, hm armed forces full dressing up kit complete with face paints. I was so angry. Of course, once he opened it he wanted to put it on, so what could I say!!! Thankfully after 20 min he decided it was rubbish and took it off, but when I told my husband I wasn't happy he said oh well my mum didn't know. Arghhhhhh it's like he has wiped his memory of the fuss we both made when she gave my son a camouflage fleece at six months old - he said something like there is no way any child of mine is wearing that, I'm not brainwashing him.

I am not really angry at my husband, it hurts him that his parents treat us the way they do, but it irritates me t hat he is bought by a few crappy presents.

What makes me really angry is that 1. His parents think they can buy me over with some tat that I don't even want, and 2. They bought a bloody army outfit for my child when they know I'd rather break both his legs than let him ever consider joining the armed forces and am totally against a four year old dressing like a soldier.

Sorry but I really needed to get that off my chest!missing not having my mum here to talk to about it!

Thanks if you read this far!

OP posts:
TimothyClaypoleLover · 21/12/2011 14:59

ChihuahuaMistress - it does sound like your inlaws did it to spite you if you and DH made it clear you don't like army stuff but you are totally overreacting and playing right into their hands by getting upset. The best thing you can do is ignore it. Your DS will take more notice of his dad's views on the army than a fleece or dressing up outfit he received as a young child. Grandparents in general have a habit of disobeying parents wishes.

AwayinaKayzr · 21/12/2011 15:00

I don't get it. I spent most of my childhood dressed as a teenage mutant ninja turtle. Unfortunately I am not a turtle, ninja or otherwise.

If its so much of a problem them 'accidentally' lose it.

BlueFergie · 21/12/2011 15:02

Excuse typos...typing one handed while feeding..

HollyGhost · 21/12/2011 15:05

I feel sorry for your inlaws

TimothyClaypoleLover · 21/12/2011 15:09

HollyGhost why do you feel sorry for inlaws? There has obviously been some history over a couple of years of them being vile to OP. I think OP has overreacted re army stuff but from her OP it does sound as though inlaws as well has being vile have not been bothered to see their DS or GS for 2 years.

pictish · 21/12/2011 15:10

I think you do not like your in-laws, and are determined that your dh and son will write them off also. I think what you are really asking is "Can I find a way to use this incident of no importance in my campaign to make my husband and son dislike my in-laws as much as I do?"

pictish · 21/12/2011 15:11

Timothy - going soley on the tone of the OP, do you reckon they felt welcome?

HollyGhost · 21/12/2011 15:12

we have only heard her version of events but the aggressive responses here and the amount of drama she is trying to generate, suggest she is a DIL from hell

e.g.

now I know why everyone I know with any level of intelligence stays off this website - some of you seem unable to actually read!

Xmas Hmm
spanky2 · 21/12/2011 15:12

My in-laws are just the same.

Pinkismycolour · 21/12/2011 15:12

Do you live in an army house?

slavetofilofax · 21/12/2011 15:13

Perhaps you in laws, as awful as they are, didn't realise that you and your dh felt so strongly against the army, what with you both living off the army and all.

You sound completely unhinged.

pictish · 21/12/2011 15:13

I agree with Holly - my instinct says DIL from Hell as well.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 21/12/2011 15:18

Going solely from the tone of the OP I think inlaws have made themselves unwelcome by being particularly cruel and insensitive when OP was pregnant, by not making an effort for 2 years and by calling OP evil and taking a dislike to OP for taking their son away.

Obviously OP is bitter which does not help resolve the family situation but I think some people could be a bit more sympathetic in how to deal with things rather than calling her the DIL from hell.

AhsokaTano · 21/12/2011 15:23

You'd actually break both your sons legs rather than let him join the Forces?

I have a suspicion that you may have a teeny weeny bit of anger simmering under the surface about how you/ your partner have been treated by the Army.

But YABU to get so worked up over a child's dressing up outfit. You don't like it so 'loose' it at the bottom of the dressing up box.

kelly2000 · 21/12/2011 15:24

You cannot compare hating the army, but enjoying the cash from it, to saying you hated school, but enjoy the cash from teaching. The equivilent would be to marry a teacher, refuse to let you son go to school, tell him school is evil and brainwash him to he hates it and will never become a teacher. If your son enjoys army clothes that is up to him, what will you do if he tells you he wants to be a soldier and is proud to join the forces, throw a temper tantrum and call his wife evil?
I also think it must be confusing for your son to be told that his father has a job which he must hate.
To be honest I think this is a one sided story, and the OP is not an innocent in it all, but is hoping to get her own way with DH just as his mother hopes too. I cannot help suspecting MIl and Op have similar traits and are both behaving just as badly.

AFuckingFestiveKnackeredWoman · 21/12/2011 15:28

'd rather break both his legs than let him ever consider joining the armed forces '

And you think they are vile?

kelly2000 · 21/12/2011 15:28

The I would rather break DS legs then let him join the army i.e I would rathe ruse violence against my adult son than him chose a job I do not like comment, sounds like the future mother and MIl from hell, and more controlling than her MIL. You might want to remember your son's profession is of his choosing not yours, and brainwashing goes both ways.

pictish · 21/12/2011 15:29

Sorry no - I'm not out for argy bargy about this, but the OP has overtones of the OP being controlling and possessive over her dh and son, and finding offence where there is none, just so she can needle her dh about how shit his parents are again.

Her dh is erring on the side of being warmed by his parents efforts....something the OP sees as needing to be extinguished. He dismisses the Ops outrage at the dressing outfit as "Oh well...mum didn't know". Then she goes on to say "am not really angry at my husband, it hurts him that his parents treat us the way they do, but it irritates me t hat he is bought by a few crappy presents"

She really does not want him to think of this offering as in any way a positive, or well intentioned, does she?

How he interprets his own parents' actions is under his own jurisdiction...not hers. She needs to butt out.

jesuswhatnext · 21/12/2011 15:30

tbh you sound like the type of family that should simply agree to stay away from each other - they dont like you, you dont like them, end of story really.

pictish · 21/12/2011 15:31

I agree *jesus8 but don't think that has to be extended to dh or son.

4madboys · 21/12/2011 15:32

ok so you dont like your inlaws and feel they havent made an effort in the past, but it seems this year they HAVE tried to make an effort, only they got your son something you dont approve of Hmm you know what i would never buy my kids camo clothes etc i dont like them, BUT one of my sons ASKED for a soldier dress up set and so he got it, i dont particularly like it but its in the fancy dress box along with all the other dressing up stuff.

i think tbh if your dh is in the armed forces your son is probably going to want to emulate his dad, and as he gets older you being against it will probably make it all the more likely that he tries harder to do so, thats what kids do!

i used to be of the no toy guns etc vain, but having 4 boys that quickly went by the wayside tbh, esp as my dad was forces as were his brothers and my mums brothers, they are going to want to emulate their relatives and they have toy pirate figures that have little pistols etc, its make believe and play, not any different from bow and arrows with indian dress up which htey also have [shrug]

if you really dont like it then get rid, but at least your inlaws DID try and they probalby thought it would be sweet for their grandson to dress up like daddy.

if you really dont like the forces that much why did you marry someone IN the forces?!

SantasENormaSnob · 21/12/2011 15:33

You are fucking nuts way ott.

RainboweBrite · 21/12/2011 15:37

I agree with Jesuswhatnext and Timothy.

jesuswhatnext · 21/12/2011 15:46

tbh the dh sounds a bit spineless, he lives with a woman who actively dislikes his chosen occupation but is happy to look forward to the pension and enjoy the 'lifestyle' his job affords them and he dosnet appear to want to confront his mother with the fact that his wife feels his family are activley undermining their parenting choices, i would love to hear the mils side of this story!

MrsCarriePooter · 21/12/2011 15:54

Thankfully after 20 min he decided it was rubbish and took it off

I do get that it's annoying but I don't think you need to worry too much then do you?

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