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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to learn'!!

57 replies

difficulttimes · 21/12/2011 12:49

I have heard this alot from different generations etc and I can't quite decide If I agree, The 'don't move anything brakeable, they have to learn!' idea about toddlers.

I was never raised with this ethos, my mum never had ornaments out, my grandma hid all hers and kid proofed her house, I suppose I've been raised with the expectation that its the adults responsibility to make sure the house is toddler proof.
However, since I had my son I've increasingly come across this view, and It doesn't sit right with me. But If I dont agree I feel like i'm being lazy.

AIBU to not follow this line of thought???

OP posts:
Kayano · 21/12/2011 12:51

Well they do need to learn eventually
Depends on their age and comprehension I guess

shrug

They can't live in a bubble wrapped world. As long as you properly supervise them I wouldn't move everything Confused

ViviPrudolf · 21/12/2011 12:53

I don't have toddlers. I have nice things. I move the nice things when people bring toddlers round.

suzikettles · 21/12/2011 12:53

I'm kind of between both camps.

If you leave precious things in easy reach when toddlers are about then they may get broken. Accidents happen, and they happen more often when fragile objects are in reach of small hands and labradors' tails (ime).

However, I also agree that children have to learn that "don't touch that (dear)" means just that, and if you toddler-proof everything within an inch of your life then it'll take longer for that to sink in.

I think a lesson that mothers learn very quickly though is that you have to watch your toddler like a hawk with not a second's let up when you're in some people's houses because of breakables/sharp/hot things, and sometimes the lesson teaches you to keep those visits very short...

squeakytoy · 21/12/2011 12:53

They do need to learn. But if you have anything valuable or sentimental, or easily breakable, common sense tells you to keep it somewhere safe.

IslandLiving · 21/12/2011 12:54

Surely the answer is to put anything truly precious out of the way in a safe place, but to have some fragile things around on which to practice the "No, don't touch!"?

KatAndKit · 21/12/2011 12:55

They do eventually need to learn of course. But until they reach the age where they can link actions and consequences and understand risks and dangers rather than just think "ooh pretty shiny thing looks nice" it is surely the responsibility of adults to protect them from danger?

TheMonster · 21/12/2011 12:56

BTW, 'a lot' is two words.

BertieBotts · 21/12/2011 12:56

Thing is that it isn't always toddler naughtiness or curiosity which gets things broken, they can be clumsy, too. So babyproofing is fair I think!

InNeedOfCoffee · 21/12/2011 12:56

Well... they do need to learn, at home i have reachable photo frames and non sentemental bits which are harmless if the children do get hold of them but am trying to teach them to leave them alone.
I want to visit friends and family without having to keep jumping up to stop them touching things.

aldiwhore · 21/12/2011 12:57

Sometimes they DO need to learn. It depends on what you can supervise I think.

For example, we've never ever had a fire guard. We have an open fire most nights. We are always in the room so can supervise any child activity and re-inforce NOOOOOO. Were our house differently set up, then a fireguard may be essential.

I have ornaments out but to be fair my most precious ones are very high up, because I don't want to risk them getting wrecked rather than it being a parenting strategy... if the children play with the unbreakables, I've always asked them not to, because they're not for playing with, and as such, my kids wouldn't go into someone else's house and play with breakables. So yes, they do need to learn.

Or rather, 'we' need to teach.

We had a stairgate at the top of the stairs, but not the bottom. We have windows locks on some windows but not all. Same with cupboard locks.

For us, its about risk assesment not risk removal. We've lessened really obvious risks (the bedroom window in their room where one accident would lead probably to death) and not put in safety measures where a risk is smaller (our fire). Yes our children could put their hand in our fire. The liklihood of that happening is very slim because of supervision. Therefore, we feel a fire guard is unnecessary and would eliminate the chance to teach.

AngryGnome · 21/12/2011 12:57

It depends how important to you the breakable things are. If you follow the "they need to learn" school of thought, then you have to accept as part of that learning stuff will get broken.

Also, it depends how old the child is - too young and they won't be able to "learn".

Personally, I would rather that my child didn't learn not to touch the fire by burning himself on the embers so I have put up a fireguard. I don't want him to learn not too drink bleach by being hospitalised, so I have cupboard locks on and have put toxic stuff in high cupboards he can't reach. I've also put a guard around the tv stand, as his current favourite game is to take all the dvds off the shelves and after having piled them all back on again one too many times a second guard seemed the way to go.

The people who have said "They need to learn" to me all seem to be of an older generation who had their kids 40/50 years ago and have forgotten quite how mobile, inquisitive and stubborn toddlers can be!

Lonnie · 21/12/2011 12:58

I did a mixture of both but what was in toddler reach I didnt mind if was broken (too much) I do however believe they need to learn that no means no and dont touch means dont touch. I have 4 kids and I only remember a few items go on the floor. I will however say I am not of the nick nacks type personality so perhaps this has to do with it too.

AKMD · 21/12/2011 12:58

Is this the kind of 'they need to learn' that leaves saucepan handles sticking out and iron flexes trailing? Angry At best, that is a failure in an adult's responsibility to keep children safe. At worst, as in the case where a child in my mum's class turned up with a burn on her arm from where her parents had pressed an iron to her skin to teach her not to keep touching it, it is abuse.

If it's the kind of 'they need to learn' where ornaments are left out, then fine, just don't get upset when they get smashed and make sure you're there to stop the child getting injured on the pieces.

Original poster
difficulttimes · 21/12/2011 13:03

For examples sake my son was 2 in sept,

but yeah I agree with most I do have some cheap ornaments out and a standing christmas tree. eek so far most of the lower baubles have gone mysteriously but It has not been tipped over, its covered with net lights. He has never gone for them (quite surpised).

I noticed the older generation thing too Angry Nome

OP posts:
Rhubarbgarden · 21/12/2011 13:03

I haven't toddler-proofed our house because I can't be arsed it would be a mammoth undertaking. And I don't recall stair gates, electric socket plugs, drawer locks etc being used by my parents. We just learnt how to be house trained (quite possibly the hard way!). I have a stone kitchen floor and dd quickly learnt that falling hurts, and she's careful. Her little friends whose houses have been kitted out with rubber mats etc are behind the curve on this bit of learning and I get frowns from their mothers on playdates. I don't have drawer locks and dd knows very well which is 'her' drawer that she's allowed to open and unpack, and she leaves the others alone - unless she's trying to get my attention and being a bit cheeky, but she will then stop when I tell her to. Again, her friends' houses all have locks and things, and I'm sure it's easier for their mums not to have to keep such a close eye on what they're doing all the time but I think on balance I'd rather not cover my house with plastic locks and things dd learnt these things now and then it's done with.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 21/12/2011 13:03

They don't bloody learn though, do they? That's the problem. Toddlers do something, hurt themselves, cry, and then 20 mins later they're doing the exact same thing. Sigh.

BertieBotts · 21/12/2011 13:04

Shock Angry Sad AKMD

TBH I hate the phrase "They need to learn!" in general. I've never heard it used for any kind of constructive learning.

Original poster
difficulttimes · 21/12/2011 13:04

The ornaments kind, bloody hell AKMD poor child Sad

OP posts:
anothermadamebutterfly · 21/12/2011 13:07

I used to leave out all the nicknacks that I didn't really like (for example, the horrendous vase given to us as a wedding present by my DH's aunt) in the hope that my DCs would break them and would learn while doing us a favour and we would all be happy. But they never did.

I would put anything precious and/or with sentimental value away and leave out the rest.

lazylula · 21/12/2011 13:07

They do have to learn at some point though and the way I see it is I can not expect every house I go to to be toddler proof so other than stairgates and a fireguard ( actually used to stop them eating the coal things rather than stopping the getting burnt as we rarely use the fire when they are up). Most of my ornaments are out of reach from floor level as they are on shelves, but once they can climb on the sofa they can reach them and are told no. So far nothing has been broken by them as far as I can remember. However, my very precious ornament collection is kept in locked cabinets, as they have been since I inherited the first lot at 13.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 21/12/2011 13:08

Well - it's up to you really, and how much you like your stuff. Toddlers and ornaments don't really mix - so you can either move them out of reach or shrug and say "oh well" when said Toddler breaks them. I moved most of my breakables out of reach, had a playpen and apart from that did no other childproofing of my stuff - and DS did learn not to open cupboards and do other stuff that he shouldn't have been doing. The thing that I considered most was that I needed to be able to take him to other people's houses as well, and I didn't expect them to childproof their house just because he was coming (many of them wouldn't have even thought of it anyway!), so he did "have to learn" not to touch stuff, or we'd never have gone anywhere.

AKMD - that's truly Shock and horrible - that's not "needing to learn", that's evil. :(

lazylula · 21/12/2011 13:10

Ds2 is 3.5, he has been worse with the tree this year than any other year and has tipped it over already (playing hide and seek with himself apparently). I do have presents under the tree this year and so far they have not been unwrapped.

whackamole · 21/12/2011 13:11

My mum (despite having 3 children of her own) refuses to put anything away. She collects china and has it everywhere. She also has those little glass nuggets and candles on the fireplace. It isn't used so she doesn't have a guard on it - yet was surprised to find our (then) one year olds made a beeline for the fake coals to eat them! I moved the other stuff though, as especially with twins you have to be so on your guard!

AKMD · 21/12/2011 13:11

Apparently it isn't uncommon and the parents of this particular child couldn't see anything wrong with what they had done.

Just a quick one re. socket covers; they are really dangerous on UK sockets and should not ever be used in this country. Part of my job is to advise people on plugs (geek) and this is a bug bear of mine. Another MNer posted a link to this website, which is far too wordy but has the right information.

squeakytoy · 21/12/2011 13:13

If a child never knocks anything over, because everything is out of reach, then they dont learn that things break or fall over.

If you never have the need to say "dont touch", because you have turned your home into a mini soft play centre, then when you take your child to a home that does have ornaments, tables with edges, rugs.. your child is unused to the concept of being careful in a house.

My parents collected antiques, before and after I was born. I grew up knowing that you didnt throw things in the house, you didnt write on walls, and you didnt run around indoors. I also grew up knowing that you didnt put cups onto surfaces without putting a mat down first. I was not allowed to go into drawers and cupboards at home, so I didnt go rooting around at other peoples houses either.

It really wasnt that difficult for my parents to teach me.

I must admit to not being impressed with friends whose children seem to think it perfectly acceptable to nosey around your house, wander freely, and look in cupboards and drawers.