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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? DP annoyed at me about visit to his Parents

42 replies

Mercapto · 21/12/2011 10:24

Dp is in the huff with me and said to call the whole thing off last night.

We were planning on going to see his parents over the holidays and they live an hour and forty minutes away. So I was suggesting we arrive at theirs early and leave early so that it would fit in with DD's (15 months) naps and bedtime.

That was when he got annoyed because "he doesn't see his family that often".

I just can't help thinking what a mare of a day it's going to be. We will have to visit atleast three houses. (Parents are divorced) None of the houses will be toddler proof and there are five cats at one of the houses. How do I keep DD entertained and fit in a nap I do not know.

DD is not the laid back type and very inquistive and quite tantrumy just now......

Am I being a gimp here?

OP posts:

lildeg · 21/12/2011 10:26

I can see where your concerns are but yabu, it's one day she'll be out of routine. She'll be fine and if sh kicks off big time let your dh sort it out as it's all his idea :)

NeuromanticisedVisionsofXmas · 21/12/2011 10:27

Perhaps if you were a bit more laid back your kid might be too. He wants to see his family at Christmas, and you are complaining. Of course YABU.

planetpotty · 21/12/2011 10:27

No don't think you're being a gimp

Every child and family is different but it is only one day but then it is supposed to be enjoyable for you too! Speak to DP explain it's not his parents that are the problem but the logistics of the day. Then come up with a plan you're both happy with xx

troisgarcons · 21/12/2011 10:27

Someone else will come along and tell you to stop revolving round the child. Children fit in with adult plans not the other way round.

Actually I do think you are being a humbug - children sleep in cars etc and can be lifted out and into bed. One day isn't going to be a drama

squeakytoy · 21/12/2011 10:28

Stop worrying! You dont need to keep DD entertained, thats what everyone else will want to do. She can nap in the car.

You cannot let a 15mth old dictate your life, she needs to fit in with yours some times!

planetpotty · 21/12/2011 10:28

Uh oh ignore the kisses in the middle of texting qt the same time!

Kayano · 21/12/2011 10:28

If you don't go very often what is one day? Would it really hurt you or DD to go for the normal duration / time? If she is tired they will have a place for her to nap or sleep. You could take a travel cot or pushchair?

aStarOverMangerways · 21/12/2011 10:29

A day without naps won't kill her. It might kill you but it's just one day.

We spent last weekend up north for FIL's birthday, so spent Monday driving back - about seven hours in the car with a 3yo and a 5mo, driving through torrential rain and spray, getting stuck in traffic. It was pretty shit tbh, but it had to be done in order to celebrate with all the family. And the kids had a brilliant time while we were there - will your DD enjoy seeing all these people? Are they the sort of people who will be hands on with her, or are they are the sort who just want to look and admire while sitting on their arses with a cup of tea? If the latter, I can see your point.

redskyatnight · 21/12/2011 10:30

i think if DH genuinely doesn't see his family much (and especially if you see yours a lot more) YABU. Especially if you do have to visit a few houses you'll end up with practically no time with anyone.

When you arrive at the house do a lot of you "would you mind ifs" and move the worst hazards out of the way. Take toys. Won't DH's family be oohing and aahing over DD anyway? Take her for a walk at nap time and let her nap in her buggy. Even if she doesn't nap it won't kill her for one day. Everyone will probably offer food which will distract her for a while. Find a local playground you can walk to (with relatives).

it's only 1 day - I know it always seems like a PITA to look after toddlers away from home, but really it's not that bad ...

AKMD · 21/12/2011 10:30

I'll buck the trend and say YANBU. DH has a very large extended family, none of their houses are toddler friendly and they aren't keen on going out for walks etc. so I find myself packing a bootload of toys, bedding and meals for DS every time we visit so that he doesn't break all their ornaments and throw a tantrum because he's tired. It is a lot of hassle but the visits always go swimmingly because of it. YWBU to not go but YANBU to think it's going to be hard work.

coppertop · 21/12/2011 10:31

Forget the usual routine for a day but make sure that your dp knows that he will be equally responsible for keeping dd safe and entertained. No spending the day socialising while you end up with all the work.

SantasENormaSnob · 21/12/2011 10:32

Yabu

Do you own a ball gag?

Original poster

Mercapto · 21/12/2011 10:33

DP's dad is great actually and very hands on.

DP's mum is probably more the sit on arse with a cup of tea type while trying to take lots of pics.

Thanks for your honesty folks. I just get so stressy when we have to go someplace with her.

Planet -too late have accepted the kisses!

OP posts:

ATruthFestivelyAcknowledged · 21/12/2011 10:35

YABU to suggest not going. It's Christmas, it's family and it's not that far away.

YANBU to want a bit of flexibility with times so that it works for you and DD too though. Could you work out together how to fit it in vaguely closely to her usual routine? E.g. driving during nap times / taking PJs with you so that she can change into them before driving back? This shouldn't just be your concern; it should be DP's too.

Whoever said that you don't have to worry about entertaining her is surely right. I don't even get to hold DS when I take him anywhere. He's whisked away as soon as we get through the door. Make sure that DP gets some of her toys/books packed in the car though (it's not all your job to sort her out!)

ViviPrudolf · 21/12/2011 10:37

Arf @ planet conjouring visions of this mad multitasking woman with an iPhone in one hand, a hoover in the other, a baby on her hip and the Christmas big shop on the laptop

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 21/12/2011 10:42

As long as he's not expecting you to do all the work with your DD while he sits and relaxes I think you could let the routine go slightly for one day.

I can understand why you don't want a stressed and upset baby, and it can be hard work to keep bundling them up in coats and car seats and going from house to house, especially if the baby is then passed around to all the relatives and gets over excited and fussy.

But it wouldn't be fair of him to leave you to cope with the baby if she is stressed and upset while he lolls about on the sofa with a mince pie and a drink, just because he doesn't see much of his family. Or passes her on to someone else to take care of, he still has to do his share.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to get home at a reasonable time when you have a young child.

One tip I can give you if you are getting back late is to change your DD into her pyjamas before you leave the last house, so you can pop her straight into bed when you get home. You might still need a quick nappy change, but it's less disruptive than changing her clothes for pyjamas as well.

Miette · 21/12/2011 10:44

It probably will be quite hard work for you, but try and get other family members to help out with entertaining your dd. I can understand you wanting her to have a nap as 15 months is too young to do without. She'd probably be very unhappy without one. Why not combine travelling from one rellie to another with a car nap? If she can't be transferred without waking, I'd just sit in the car for a little bit with a magazine and a cuppa. Might be a nice break for you. Others will post that that is a ridiculous thing to do and you should damn well make her do without a nap, but I know what i'd prefer doing!

DoesNotGiveAFig · 21/12/2011 10:46

Are the 5 cats evil baby killing cats perchance?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 21/12/2011 10:46

I like Miette's idea. I used to sit in the car outside our own house while DS slept in the car. If it meant he slept for longer I didn't care, and it was actually quite peaceful to sit there with my book.

sitandnatter · 21/12/2011 10:47

Sorry OP you are putting in obstacles that shouldn't need to exist.

Miette · 21/12/2011 10:47

PS. I feel your pain re having a non laid back toddler. I had one very laid back and one non laid back kid. It's just how they come out. Thankfully the non laid back one is a whole lot easier now she is 4!

FatGoose · 21/12/2011 10:48

Perhaps if you were a bit more laid back your kid might be too. He wants to see his family at Christmas, and you are complaining. Of course YABU.

this ^^

Hulababy · 21/12/2011 10:50

At 15m your DD will cope with being out of routine for a day I am sure, and she will probably love all the attention from her grandparents too. To keep her entertained, take some of her toys and books with her. Let her be inquisitive and look around.

These are your DD's grandparents, not some random strangers.

If she gets tired take her for a little walk if she won't settle where she is. Or a little power nap drive.

slavetofilofax · 21/12/2011 10:50

You just need to make sure he is aware that he will have to do his fair share of following her around and keeping her safe, getting her to eat and will have to help put her to bed if she is going to struggle through being overtired.

YABU if he is happy to do his fair share, YANBU if all of the toddler care will fall to you.

Hulababy · 21/12/2011 10:51

Try and combine as much of the travelling with nap and sleep times. Coming home int he car at bedtime may work well, then you can just tranfer her over to bed once home.

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