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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be addressed by my husband's first name?

85 replies

makeminemango · 20/12/2011 21:00

Okay, tail end of a huge argument here. It started when I disagreed that a friend addressed her Christmas card to us as Mr and Mrs husband's first name then surname. This has come up before when FIL sent a package. DH gets really put out and says that I am not following protocol. I just don't agree that I am Mrs husband's first name then our joing surname; okay Mrs Makeminemango surname. I just think its a bit archaic....

OP posts:
ViviPrudolf · 21/12/2011 00:16

Out of curiosity, of those of you who have not taken your DHs surname, do you call yourselves "Mrs MaidenName"? Genuine question as I don't personally know anyone who is married and not changed their name, and it is something I am considering.

Also, have you found ever gives rise to any other problems? (Other than irritatingly addressed Xmas cards, that is)

redpanda13 · 21/12/2011 00:17

I agree it is not correct etiquette to be addressed in a name that is not your own. I changed my name legally at 16 to my mother's maiden name. I wanted to be known by the name of the woman who raised me. I had to relinquish all rights to my father's estate (he is very well off) and other rights. Yet I still get cards 27 years later addressed in my father's name!!!

Themumsnot · 21/12/2011 00:19

I use Ms. Not changing my name hasn't given rise to any particular problems other than the social problem of having people continually bloody comment on it as if it were some kind of bizarre radical feminist separatist statement.

DarklyDexterish · 21/12/2011 00:28

I don't understand the hooharr - I send a card addressed to my BIL and his other half to Mr Tom Smith ( she is not married to him but they have 2 DC together)

When they marry early next year she will take his name - I can understand why women prefer not to take their husbands surname .....like if they are Smellie, Nosewipe or Twaat - but having a hissy fit over the name on an envelope is a bit prissy

Simply double barrell your name and get over it - people have far wider issues in life as to wonder whether you might be a bit upset at what is written on their christmas card envelope to you

If you are so concerned with the issue, you should send cards out in October each year reminding people how you would like to be addressed on a piece of folded up paper

Jux · 21/12/2011 00:33

I would understand your ire if it were your birthday, but some people have a LOT of envelopes to address at Xmas and, quite honestly, if they put both names/surnames on each envelope may never get them done (most of my relatives, for instance).

I often get to a point where I'm writing a Christian name but no surname, nor Mr or Mrs because I am sick of holding the pen, sometimes I append 'et al' but not always. I assume once the card's been taken out they're going to be able to read the bit at the top with both names and work out it's for both of them from that. I just make sure I do the ones for my older relatives first because they care about these things.

If people don't like the way I've addressed their envelope then they're welcome to chuck it unopened.

ILoveApples · 21/12/2011 00:41

My widowed mother continued to receive cards from my MIL addressed to Mrs husband's first name then surname, long after Dad died. How insensitive can you be! MIL also sends birthday cards to me with my DH's name on envelope which drives me mad but what can I say (tactfully) to get her to stop?

WilsonFrickett · 21/12/2011 00:45

Vivi I am Ms Wilson, as I have been since I was 18 or so and worked out that my marital status shouldnt have anything to do with my life or opinions but that it somehow did. So I took the decision to disregard it. And then when I married age 30 I sort of looked back at what had been a reasonably successful career in a number of different fields and said 'sod it, I don't want Ms Wilson to disappear'. So she didn't.

It can sometimes be a wee bit awkward now I have DS but as DH gets called 'Mr Wilson' as much as I get called 'Mrs DHname' I try and let it slide.

MardyBra · 21/12/2011 00:47

iloveapples. I can see your point, but by addressing your mum that way your Mil may have seen it as honouring your father's name. It may seem antiquated, but I think it may be formal etiquette.

CheshireDing · 21/12/2011 03:29

Vivi I use Miss and Ms with my maiden name and Mrs with my married name, similar to whatWilson says I felt I had been a Miss for a long time, was not offended by it and sort of didn't want to disappear into DH.

OP I would not be impressed either, you should tell people, I do :)

nooka · 21/12/2011 04:14

I'm glad that no one has tried to do this to me. I am very much my first name (don't really care about my surname which I did change as I liked dh's more than mine!). We mostly get our Christmas cards addresses to "the x family" or to "my name & dh's name surname". I think it's a bit odd writing to your friends and family using formal antiquated etiquette. If I can't remember the surnames I would address the envelope to the person whose name I do know (generally speaking my friend or family member) and put their first names inside.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 21/12/2011 07:49

I find that I am more than able to keep my own identity whatever name is put on an envelope.

AsinineLadiesDancing · 21/12/2011 07:58

I put

The Johnsons etc

Lots of my friends are Dr and Dr, or Prof and Dr and it looks odd to write those out...

catsrus · 21/12/2011 08:16

Actually - correct etiquette is that it is ONLY the wife of the eldest son who gets to be (lucky her!) Mrs John Smith, the wives of lesser sons are Mrs Mary Smith.

But if a woman's legal name is NOT Smith then how can it be correct to call her that?

Used to drive me bonkers - mind you finding it odd now I'm divorced to get some cards addressed to Miss Catsrus! Haven't used that since I was about 10 Xmas Hmm

nizlopi · 21/12/2011 09:15

Urg, I hate hate HATE that too. I used to have a friend who thought it was nice though =/ she was really bizarre to me though.

ClaraSage · 21/12/2011 09:38

The formal way to address a widow's card is Mrs. Hername Married Name.

ClaraSage · 21/12/2011 09:39

I hate Miss, it sounds prissy. Ms. applies to all women.

ViviPrudolf · 21/12/2011 09:42

Interesting replies from those who have kept their maiden names. For me, Mrs. DP is DP's Mum and I have no desire to share that name with her the grumpy old cowbag , but Mrs. ViviPru is my Mum and that would sound equally wrong, as would Ms. ViviPru as that is completely alien to me.

Doesn't help that both mine and DPs surnames are both rather unpleasant and prone to being easily made into derogatory nicknames, so I've no strong desire to have either...

I think I'll start a thread about it in the new year

Katiepoes · 21/12/2011 09:48

I didn't take my husband's name and almost everyone respects that. One aunt however does not - it's Mr & Mrs DH Familyname evetuy single time. So this year I addressed her card as Mr. Uncle and MS her maiden name in large block letters. A bit sad perhaps but I know it'll wind her up. Nobody will ever actually say anything though, we are a a family that excels in passive agression.

(My original plan was tp put it back in the post with the Mrs part highlighted and 'not known at this address' writtten on, Mr Katiepoes talked me out of that)

mumeeee · 21/12/2011 09:48

I sometimes address letters to married people using the initial of the husband but never the whole first name. If I know someone doesn't like it I'll use both husband and wife's initials.

ViviPrudolf · 21/12/2011 09:55

Are you Ms. Poes then, KP? I've got a bit of a mental block on "Ms." which may be bourn out of concerns outlined in Themums post, that being "social problem of having people continually bloody comment on it as if it were some kind of bizarre radical feminist separatist statement."

willowstar · 21/12/2011 09:56

this gets me every year. I didn't change my name, didn't even have a wedding, told very few people about it afterwards and when we did tell OH family he told them very clearly I didn't change my name, but every year we get cards from his side of the family addressed to Mr and Mrs his first and last name. I hate it but then they are all very traditional and we aren't so I guess they just don't get it. His mum even asked me if 'they' allowed me to not take his name. ???

ViviPrudolf · 21/12/2011 09:57

And are you Ms. Star, willowstar?

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 21/12/2011 10:01

I hate this. I don't care if it's 'correct' (by whose standards?), it's sexist and carries the clear message that the man is the more important person in the marriage.

degroote78 · 21/12/2011 10:03

We live in a modern world now. This dated way of addressing married couples should be left in the past where it belongs!

Katiepoes · 21/12/2011 10:04

Vivi yes, I'm Ms 'maiden' name maiden haha, not been one of those for a VERY long time), have been a Ms since I discovered it was an option. Apart from mad aunt I've only had one stupid comment - some twit at work told me I could not be serious about being married if I was so disrespectful of my husband's name.

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