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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about this couple. Who are supposed to be our best friends, putting us in a very awkward position!

68 replies

Birthdaygirl30 · 20/12/2011 20:40

Long story short.

A weekend away was suggested between 13 friends for my 30th/joint birthday celebration as most of us have birthdays in dec/jan/feb/mar.

I found a cottage, worked out around £50 per person from Fri-Mon at the end of Feb.

I sent them all an email, they agree and over the course of 4 weeks everyone put the money in my spare account that I don't use. ONCE I had all the money I booked said cottage and paid in full. The link I sent them all very clearly said no refunds.

Cottage was booked at the beginning of Dec.

A few days ago I got a text message of female of the couple saying they had to pull out as they assumed I had booked in half term n didnt want their little girl to miss school. Fair enough, but as others in the group have suggested, shes 4 years old, they could drive up at 3, be here by teatime n leave sunday afternoon as others are doing because of their children. I am no in england so half terms are at a different time to theirs anyway and half term wasnt mentioned at all.

I did suggest they still come but the male doesnt want to do this.

Before I go any further, I will say that I had organised my MIL to look after their little girl for the weekend too!

I forwarded text to DH and he said, they will want their money back now. I was sure they wouldnt. If you booked a hotel n have to cancel you dont get a refund! Anyway they have asked for it back.

I have told them the money has been paid in full to the cottage and there are no refunds. So he TOLD us to message the rest of the group and tell them (not ask) to pay extra to cover their loss.

We did, they all said no, they knew the dates, they could still come if they wanted but are being awkward.

The male is getting really arsey with my DH now n hes a born worried. The rest of the group are all backing us up, we are trying to find replacements as well so they can get their money back this way.

But I am fuming he has put us in this position. He now wants my DH to order the other people of the group to pay the extra. The all went to primary school together the males of the group, girls have just become friends as well :)

Is he right to expect us to be out of pocket so he isnt?

OP posts:
Eglu · 20/12/2011 21:11

I think you should do what Custardo or romanchristingle suggests.

What horribly rude people. They nor your dh can demand money from anyone.

GoingForGoalWeight · 20/12/2011 21:14

YADNBU - how uncomfortable this must be for you. You are in no way to blame. It is an unbreakable contract. I would call them and say you are sorry they are in this position but e-mail clearly stated no refunds. I would ask them to get a piece of paper and a pen to write down contact number of the cottage owner. then they cannot say they didn't get the details and you didn't do all you can on top of e-mailing the rest of the group for £10.

On their part there is more to this...

Dozer · 20/12/2011 21:16

Your / your DH's mistake was in agreeing to email around to see if the other people were prepared to cover the cost. Followed by cow-towing to their bullying.

A better response would simply have been to say no and, if pressed, suggest that if they wanted to suggest others paying for them, then they could contact the other participants directly.

You have been running around trying to help them work out how they could come or get their money back, investigating childcare, seeking replacement couple etc. none of that is necessary: it's not your problem, it's theirs! Even considering paying yourselves, how ridiculous!

Perhaps you both need to work on your assertiveness?

Dozer · 20/12/2011 21:19

I don't mean that in a nasty way, sorry if it comes across that way, am just sometimes surprised on here by how much some people get away with, and how much other (nicer) people let them!

Original poster
Birthdaygirl30 · 20/12/2011 21:21

Thanks. I have stayed out of it so far on DH's request because he knows I will tell him to piss off not very nicely. The female and I grew up together as did DH and the male. they got together as a result of our wedding.

I have told DH thats it is very wrong for him to put us in that position. If he was any kind of friend he wouldnt have. If we had to pull out for whatever reason there is no way I would ask for my money back and we cannot afford to lose £100.

I think there is more to it tbh. DH thinks we have upset them previous to this, but then we havent seem them since cottage was booked n they agreed n paid money in the first place. I have told him not to dwell on it, let him have his tantrum n forget it.

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 20/12/2011 21:25

i agree with Dozer...hard lesson learned OP .

KittyFane · 20/12/2011 21:26

I would give them the £96 and quietly ignore them from now on.
Don't let it sour your weekend, let the others know how fk'ed off you are with this couple sad you are about the situation when you see them all.

DoMeDon · 20/12/2011 21:28

YANBU - he is being utterly U. It is his issue to deal with. Tell him so and leave it there. I really feel for you both on this, what is meant to be a nice treat for your birthday is being marred by his twuntish behaviour. Personally I'd tell him that.

Original poster
Birthdaygirl30 · 20/12/2011 21:30

I cant afford to Kitty. I have 3 DC's, its 5 days away from christmas, two of their birthdays are in jan too :)

OP posts:
EverybodysSnowyEyed · 20/12/2011 21:31

Don't give him the money. make sure the others are aware. if you end up falling out about it everyone will know you are not the unreasonable one.

mercibucket · 20/12/2011 21:32

they are not your best friends!

missingmumxox · 20/12/2011 21:34

YANBU! the cheek of him! if it was me in your position, I would be pointing out that if a replacement can not be found it is actually putting the cost up for everyone else as they will have to make up the short fall of the full cost.

if he continued I would send out the group e-mail stating this, just in case he is bullying anybody else, I find in situations like this if "Mummy" says no they will go to "Daddy" and then "Granma" and so on until they get the result they want, eg the other friends starting to put presure on you.

I have paid for Christmas Meals that at the last moment I couldn't go to, it has never occured to me to ask for the money back and the next working day taken in the rest of the money for the person who organised it, as invarably they make up the short fall, I must admit I don't add any tip though, just what I owed, but they thanks I get from them amazes me, I am only paying what I owe!

Dozer · 20/12/2011 21:34

Kitty, why why WHY would you give them money?! Even if you had plenty of it, which the OP does not.

LaFilleSurLePont · 20/12/2011 21:36

You shouldn't give them the money.They screwed up,not you. Don't feed the gimmee pigs.

Dozer · 20/12/2011 21:36

OP on the other hand is veering towards the aggressive approach......not ideal, but better than cow-towing IMO!

GooKingWenceslas · 20/12/2011 21:37

YANBU.

Withdraw withdraw.

maybe I'd give them £9.60 as a fuck off goodwill gesture Xmas Grin

Original poster
Birthdaygirl30 · 20/12/2011 21:40

lol £9.60 is a random amount :o

I wont be agressive. I was going to send an email tomorrow saying something along the lines of. We will try n find replacements, but its not our place to pressure people to give you money to make up for your mistake, if you wish to ask the other people, then feel free but please stop putting pressure on my husband. Half Term was NOT mentioned at all as we both have different half term dates anyway. My 4 year old is missing one day, it wont damage his career, he will miss a day of painting and gluing and ruining jumpers lol. If you could rethink and still make it then we would love to see you both :)

OP posts:
ZZMum · 20/12/2011 21:45

feel mad for you - and sorry if I have missed this bit - have you simply pointed out to them that they agreed to the terms and that there would be no refunds?

Please do not give them money as you did nothing wrong.. as others have said, tell them refund can now only happen post booking with replacements that they should find.

and then dump them as no friends would do this - really would they?

Dozer · 20/12/2011 21:47

I would skip the references to trying to find replacements (their problem), half term never mentioned (by-the-by now and will just wind them up) and your DC missing a day of school (argumentative, they have a right to make different choices about their DC).

Which leaves something along the lines of "what a shame that you're disappointed.... if you'd like to approach anyone else about covering your costs or attending in your place, that's your choice...see no need for further discussion about the issue with DH. Please let us all know in due course what you decide."

Original poster
Birthdaygirl30 · 20/12/2011 21:52

Thank you Dozer. Will Speak to DH and then send message tomorrow :) Feel better about it all now though.

OP posts:
GooKingWenceslas · 20/12/2011 21:56

Agree, you don't need to say all that.

If the DH wants to try and claw money back from his friends (about £9 each? no? :)) then he needs to message them.

'Unfortunately the cottage is paid for and the money is not mine to refund you. If you would like to ask our friends to pay for your share to be refunded then you will need to speak with them personally, as this is not something I would be comfortable doing on your behalf.

Obviously, if you choose to come after all then we would love to see you'.

KittyFane · 20/12/2011 22:00

dozer :o why would I give them the money? I dont think its a doormat reaction, it depends how its done:
Option 1
"xfriends, I am sorry you feel unable to come with us on my birthday weekend, I am really disappointed that you have backed out at this point in time as you had agreed to the dates and were aware that the money was non refundable after I had finalised the booking. Despite this, you want your share back, therefore please find enclosed a cheque for £96. We have had to pay this ourselves as the other members of the group, after hearing what had happened, felt it was unfair of you to ask them to make up for the shortfall."
It gets rid of them, shames them, stops birthday being ruined with bad feelings.
Then quietly de-friend.

I understand if you can't afford this option OP.

Option 2
Ignore them. Completely.

RomanChristingle · 20/12/2011 22:01

I would send what GooKing said. And give the contact details for the owner of the cottage. And ignore any further response.

Original poster
Birthdaygirl30 · 20/12/2011 22:07

thanks all, will update tomorrow :)

OP posts:
jasminerice · 20/12/2011 22:14

Gosh, with 'friends' like these, you certainly don't need any enemies do you?! And they are your 'best' friends? What are your worst friends like?

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