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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my 14yr old dd hang out in her bedroom with 3 male friends?

42 replies

mrsshears · 20/12/2011 17:33

My dd had some friends call round this evening,who she goes to school with,we invited them in and they all went up to her bedroom (dd has a 5yr old sister who would make a point of disturbing them if they were down stairs) where they stayed for about an hour listening to music and chatting.
I'm probably over thinking things and i trust dd completely but it has since occurred to me to wonder if this is the done thing or not? and if the boys parents would be ok with this?
What do you think? was i bu?

OP posts:

Yulewithadragontattoo · 20/12/2011 17:36

YANBU - From your description there were a group of them so cannot see a problem. One boy on his own I would say maybe make them keep the door open but cannot see the issue with a group of friends hanging out in one of their bedrooms.

MrsOzz · 20/12/2011 17:36

Errrrrm. It's a tough one. Because boys and girls do get up to all sorts. But not usually 3 boys at once, when the parents are home!

If your daughter is a sensible girl and you trust her, and the young lads are also of a niceness then I would say its fine. But maybe have a 'no under the covers' and a 'door always open' policy?

OldGreyWassailTest · 20/12/2011 17:37

The 'done thing' is what you allow in your house. I can't see the harm in it personally. Far better you know where she is than knowing she is hanging on a street corner!

troisgarcons · 20/12/2011 17:38

Door open policy.

minimisschief · 20/12/2011 17:38

Nothing wrong with it but kids that age do tend to try stuff out. Even the good ones

group or not

So really up to you

sitandnatter · 20/12/2011 17:42

My son has been in his room with a few girls, I admit to keeping an ear open and the door was left open not at my request just that it happened to be opened. No problem to me the kids were just chilling out, I knew where they were and what they were up to. My poor bladder weakened for a couple of -paranoid hours but don't worry, YANBU, I've done it myself.

Mini if the kids were going to experiment or misbehave I doubt they'd go to a house where the parents were in to supervise.

Original poster

mrsshears · 20/12/2011 17:45

Oh thats good then! as long as i have'nt commited some awful social no no.
I would just rather they were in the house with it being so dark early now,i do like the idea of the open door though,just to air on the side of caution....

OP posts:

SinicalSanta · 20/12/2011 17:47

open door for me too.

blackcurrants · 20/12/2011 17:49

I would allow it, I think - maybe with a door open policy - at that age I just wanted to be away from my family (sooo embarrassing!) and have the feeling of privacy.

Speaking as someone with a toddler who thinks a lot about what I'd like to change about my teen years, I wonder if OP you would indulge this tangent, to ass that I would also talk to my daughter about things like, not having to do anything to make a boy like you, and making sure she feels comfortable, and what consent is, and that attention feels nice but people can change and turn nasty, so it's worth being a little circumspect in who you get vulnerable with.

Oh, it'd be superbly embarrassing, I'm sure, and as a 14 year old I would have grimaced and FLED if my mum had tried to tell me that snogging and groping was fine, but no one should push me around and it is ok to be a 'prude' (or indeed a slut) if I wanted - and what I wanted mattered as much as whatever my boyfriend wanted. I would have crumbled into the floor with embarrassment. But I absolutely needed to hear it, and I didn't, until years later. My parents did the 'mechanics' sex talk, as little as they thought they could get away with. I wish they'd done the 'feelings' part too. I suppose I'm thinking of something like the dad in 'Glee' did so sweetly (transcript here.)
But my mum couldn't bring herself to tell me about sex really, apart from 'wait till you're married!' - which was wildly unrealistic for a teenager in the nineties!

of course, these are just your DD's mates, and this IS a big old tangent. But thank you for letting me litter your thread with it

TheOriginalNutcracker · 20/12/2011 17:49

I had this with dd1 also 14, the other week.

She invited a few mates back to watch a film. It turned out that the few mates were 8 boys

Door was shut here, because the noise was horrific at times, but I did let 9yr old ds know that it was of course fine to go in every now and then to ask his sister any pressing quesions he might have

blackcurrants · 20/12/2011 17:50

"to ass that "? yiikes! "to add that" what what I meant.

haven't had a drop! Honest! :)

sitandnatter · 20/12/2011 17:52

black I can match you and raise you, my Mum used to refer to sex before marriage as "filth" it's a wonder I didn't become a nun or a sex maniac

birdsofshoreandsea · 20/12/2011 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PattySimcox · 20/12/2011 17:53

You know your daughter so I think you are the best judge and if you felt comfortable then that is fine.

I think if it were an equal number of boys and girls I would feel illogically more concerned.

Open door policy is no bad thing though, and I may need to start implementing it. At the moment we have a closed door policy to keep younger sibling out

mumblecrumble · 20/12/2011 17:57

Personally I would encourage her to stay at home with male friends and give her some privacy. Maybe knock on the door with milk and cookies.....

sitandnatter · 20/12/2011 18:01

birds to me it says my house my rules, it's sensible if there are teens in your house to be able to monitor them but to do it from a distance so there is the balance between giving them some space but no letting them call all of the shots. Its great to have trust between you and your child/chldren but you don't have to trust three lads you don't know either.

lljkk · 20/12/2011 18:05

I think I'd lean towards door open too; she doesn't need privacy with all three boys now or ever. The door could be just be partway open.
I guess it's the sort of thing I'd like to discuss with her in private ahead of time, too.

SardineQueen · 20/12/2011 18:15

I can't see a problem with this. It's just a group of friends.

ImperialBlether · 20/12/2011 18:27

I'd go in every now and then without any warning (I don't mean burst in!) - just a knock and open in one move. "Anyone want a drink?" that sort of thing.

"Never let them relax" was my motto!

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 18:29

I'd BURST in with cookies and pop.

ImperialBlether · 20/12/2011 18:30

Fig, and if you see anything you don't like, scream like a banshee.

If they are going to be inconvenienced, they might as well get a laugh out of it.

usualsuspect · 20/12/2011 18:30

They are just friends ,my Ds has always had a mixed group of friends in his room .I shut the door tbh because they make too much racket

ChristmasFuckers · 20/12/2011 18:39

What are you worried about exactly? Sex or that kid of thing? 3 boys and 1 girl when mum is at home doubt it. Smoking and drinking? Not that easy to hide..chill and trust her. I would be more concerned about 1:1 visit, but at 14 things will move forward with or without you.

FabbyChic · 20/12/2011 18:59

Whats the problem I would be encouraging her to have opposite sex friends and it not be about what sex they are. Perfectly acceptable.

NinkyNonker · 20/12/2011 19:19

Yanbu, at all. In my teens all of my local friends were boys due to my hobby, and then going to a boys' school for A-levels. I just 'hung out' with them as you would anyone. Our parents all knew each other too which helped.

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