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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my 14yr old dd hang out in her bedroom with 3 male friends?

42 replies

mrsshears · 20/12/2011 17:33

My dd had some friends call round this evening,who she goes to school with,we invited them in and they all went up to her bedroom (dd has a 5yr old sister who would make a point of disturbing them if they were down stairs) where they stayed for about an hour listening to music and chatting.
I'm probably over thinking things and i trust dd completely but it has since occurred to me to wonder if this is the done thing or not? and if the boys parents would be ok with this?
What do you think? was i bu?

OP posts:

redrosette · 20/12/2011 20:47

my cousin was caught aged 14 having sex with her boyfriend (now husband, thankfully).

My BIL and his fiance = ditto.

My sis and her (many) boyfriends = ditto, also her friends and their boyfriends who came over for a party and I came home early! I went bananas cos there were several at it in MY room shudder

Me and my DH - we were good and waited til we were alone lol

Open door policy for deffo

redrosette · 20/12/2011 20:48

btw, sister and I werent 14 lol

troisgarcons · 20/12/2011 20:51

Its not the sex i'd be worried about - its the smoking.

gitinora · 20/12/2011 21:13

I wouldnt allow my 14 year old ds to have girls in his room. only because i would be worried what the girls parents would think. However i allow them in our backroom. Where i can see into through kitchen door

festi · 20/12/2011 21:22

yanbu

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2011 21:23

When I has male friends in my room was the only time I EVER got crisps as a teenager. I reckoned it was because my mother thought it would discourage snogging. She used to burst in with them. I had loads of male friends and nothing untoward ever happened.

StepfordWannabe · 20/12/2011 21:34

troisgarcons - you're more worried about a teenager trying an illicit cigarette (which would more than likely make her feel sick) than underage sex (which she's probably not emotionally ready for and carries a risk of STDs or pregnancy)? Funny priorities...

sashh · 21/12/2011 06:54

blackcurrants

Start now, obviously not with the sex / groping but that her body is hers and she doesn't have to kiss anyone she doesn't feel comfortable kissing.

As she gets older talk about choices, the sex ed for 5 year olds consists of passing a bowl of fruit around the room and explaining that just because the child next to you has taken an apple you can have an orange if you want, or nothing if you want, or a banana. All are valid choices (obviously not in that kind of language).

Back to the OP, would you mind if it was 3 girls?

pinkdelight · 21/12/2011 08:16

Three boys are less troubling than one. That said, I was definitely up to no good with boys in my bedroom at that age, and if I wasn't allowed to at home, I'd just have snuck off somewhere else. Not sure what the solution is really, except to talk to her and make sure she's clued up and confident about her own boundaries.

pinkdelight · 21/12/2011 08:17

Should say - of course I wasn't allowed to at home anyway. But my parents trusted me. And clearly they shouldn't have.

lljkk · 21/12/2011 10:18

I guess I'd rather have an "open door if any opposite sex present" policy, whether it's 1, 2, or 3, then encourage a ridiculous argument about why closed door is okay with 3+ but maybe not with 1 or 2.

I once scolded some yr3s to stop kissing at a disco, it was 2 girls & 1 boy, so imperfect pairing really not a barrier to some.

Of course we're all ignoring the possibility of gay DC, in which case the open door policy to prevent nooky gets more than a wee bit confusing.

niceguy2 · 21/12/2011 10:21

This is one of those things where as parents our minds run amok. In our heads, they're having some sort of illicit gang-bang. In reality, they're probably sat there talking to each other in teenage grunts.

Banning will just cause a MASSIVE ruckus and show DD that you don't trust her, that you are paranoid etc. etc.

So best thing to do is just insist the door isn't shut and every so often just pop up with cookies, drinks and loiter for a few mins to make conversation.

If you want to stop this from happening again then go nuclear and take with you the family photo album complete with naked baby pics.

Wonder why my DD never invites her friends round?

startail · 21/12/2011 10:24

YANBU.
I wouldn't want the door open. Pretty open plan house. I to not want to listen to their music, gossip or PC games.

troisgarcons · 21/12/2011 10:25

StepfordWannabe

troisgarcons - you're more worried about a teenager trying an illicit cigarette (which would more than likely make her feel sick) than underage sex (which she's probably not emotionally ready for and carries a risk of STDs or pregnancy)? Funny priorities...

Nope, re read the Op again - one girl, 3 boys - highly unlikely there is going be a game of bang-a-bang-daisy going on - crafty fag far more likely.

The Op wasn't one boy, one girl was it? my priorities will have shifted somewhat if it where.

It always pays to respond to what is written, I find.

PastGrace · 21/12/2011 10:31

This is how my mum treated my friends and me and I have a really good, open relationship with her about boys because I know that she trusts me and won't judge me (whereas I think some of my friends' parents were a bit "if you have a boy in your room the world will explode" so consequently they became more secretive).

My friend had a group of friends over and they were secretly drinking wine (for the first time). She went downstairs and her mum said "that flush is only caused by drink or sex, which is it?". Didn't try that again in a hurry!

zimm · 21/12/2011 10:32

YANBU. I always had groups of male friends in my room at that age. We were just chatting. It's nice she has male friends, very healthy that she can form friendships with the opposite sex.

Yulewithadragontattoo · 21/12/2011 10:33

Gosh - I do think there's is some overreaction on here. They are just a group of friends hanging out. If they smoke a crafty fag or have a crafty snog it's not the end of the world. But to be honest those things are more likely to happen somewhere other than one of their bedrooms. I think it very unlikely that anyone would be having sex when there is a group of them there (assuming you've instilled ideas such as self respect into your DD). I actually think hanging out with your friends is an important part of being a teenager and you have to give them freedom to do that without being unduly suspicious.

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