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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....dh wants FIL to spend xmas day with us!

38 replies

crazygal · 20/12/2011 13:09

we have had a hell of a year.....
and i want xmas day on our own!!
the 1st 3 xmasses we had together we had dh father with us and others from his family,the next 3 xmasses we spent it with my family.
we agreed weeks ago that we would have xmass on our own this year,
now dh wants FIL to be with us...grrrrrrr!!
FIL is bi-polar,and at the moment is in the depths of depression,(he saddly lost his sister this week to cancer)
when he is down like this he is hard work,he talks of killing himself etc,we have being there for him threw thick and thin....
2-3 times a week i send him over a plate of roast dinner and he calls over once a week,

our year has been hard,our son was dx with adhd,as,odd....and things are difficult,and i just cant cope with FIL aswell!! its too much,i cant pick him up on xmas day aswell as ourselfs,i want to have a happy day!
i want my son to be able to talk when he wants on this day,shout when he wants,and not to be told off for interupting ....

dh wants his dad with us.....dh has 3 other brothers that have never had him and FIL also has 2 brothers and a sister,all divorced,why cant they have him....
im feeling very bad about it as he has just lost his sister...but why us...again!
we are the only ones who bother with him anyway,and dh says no one will have him unless we do! he will be on his own :(
FIL is 65 so not very old.
what should i do?

OP posts:
JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 20/12/2011 13:11

Sorry, it's Christmas, think you pretty much have to tolerate it if he'll be alone otherwise...

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 20/12/2011 13:12

Or could you ask another family member to help out?

noonar · 20/12/2011 13:14

crazy, you are totally justified to feel this way. is there a reason why he cant go to one of those other family members' house?

Original poster
crazygal · 20/12/2011 13:14

ive asked dh brother,he said no way! that we can put up with him....nice...its his dad to.

OP posts:
clam · 20/12/2011 13:19

Hmm, look, I really sympathise, but..... you know you'll have to have him, don't you? Could you really let him spend it on his own? The people to be cross with are your DH's siblings, not your DH who has shown kindness to his old dad. That's a good thing, isn't it?

Original poster
crazygal · 20/12/2011 13:20

there is no reason at all,apart from the fact that they think he just needs to catch onto himself! they give him no sympathy at all,they cant be bothered with him.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 20/12/2011 13:23

This is really tough. If you do agree to have your dh's dad, make it clear to your dh that your ds is the priority and you will not allow his day to be ruined because of your fil. So you will be letting him make noise and play and you will not be letting your fil interfere with that.

Personally, I wouldn't have him over. Can your dh visit him alone on the day for an hour or so?

While you want to make your dh happy, he has to consider making you happy too and if this is a huge strain then it isn't fair to impose him on you. I think your dh needs to tell his siblings to step up. All the time you get suckered into it, they will sit back and let you.

Does your dh do all the 'looking after' when fil visits or is it left to you. If it's the latter then your dh hasn't got a leg to stand on and you should tell him no - he should stick to what he promised you.

At the absolute utmost, I would have him over for a couple of hours, not the whole day.

Original poster
crazygal · 20/12/2011 13:24

yes clam you are right...i wont see him on his own....i just wish,others would consider him.its always us,and after the year we have had....

OP posts:
blondie80 · 20/12/2011 13:25

It sounds like you, dh and fil have all had a hard year.

YANBU to want to spend christmas on your own, but it sounds like your fil really needs supported right now rather than be left on his own. No wonder he is 'in the depths of depression'.

Can i ask where fil the previous three years when he wasn't with you?

kelly2000 · 20/12/2011 13:26

Tell his brothers they are having him.
But to be honest he has an illness, woudl you turn him away for having cancer and being depressing. I would have him there, but explain to him that he has to go easy on DS - perhaps get him to do some activity during the day to keep him busy - could FIl and Dh cook dinner together? Where did he go the past few years? Christmas is not just about presents and fun, it is about caring for others. The man is ill, has lost his sister, and is someone Dh loves and cares about. It would be wrong for him to be on his own christmas day. You should be glad you have a husband like your DH, not his brothers. Would you want DS to let Dh spend Christmas on his own in thirty years when he was ill, and lonely?

PopcornMouseInAReindeerJumper · 20/12/2011 13:27

YANBU to want xmas alone, but YWBU to refuse to have FIL stay. He lost his sister this week fgs, you can't have him Christmas alone. Just because nobody else is kind enough to invite him does not mean he should be punished :(

Original poster
crazygal · 20/12/2011 13:28

karma,we both look after him,just pop in to him etc,the others will ring FIL the odd time,i do feel for the man,hes lonely...its just one day....i want to enjoy it.
dh wont ask any one else to have him...

OP posts:
clam · 20/12/2011 13:32

My mum always used to say that you could judge a man by the way he treats his mother (or father in this case). In other words, that could be how he treats you one day. Be glad you're married to your DH and not one of his brothers.

Just saying...

HappyCamel · 20/12/2011 13:32

YANBU but have you asked FIL what he wants? If he's very sad he might not want to have DS running around. you could invite him for dinner (so not all day) and say to him that you're planning an upbeat day centred around DS playing games. Then he knows he can join in if he wants but not dictate the day.

HoneydragonAteCliffRichard · 20/12/2011 13:34

I speak from experience. If the op doesn't say no this is it for every Xmas.

Truthfully your dh needs to call his siblings and say it's their decision this year if their Dad is alone for Christmas.
Sad

Original poster
crazygal · 20/12/2011 13:35

the 1st 2 yrs we didnt have him,he spent on his own,(we went to ireland to my parents)last year fil sister had him,
fil cant do anything,he wont even get dressed,he wont eat unless its put in front of him,thats why i send over food often,
ive said to dh can i just think on this over the day,x

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 20/12/2011 13:36

I know it doesn't help you (BTW I sympathise hugely as I was whingeing elsewhere about mIL who isn't anything like as bad) but be proud that your DH wants to take care of his dad.

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 20/12/2011 13:38

YANBU to want to spend Christmas on your own, but in the spirit of Christmas charity don't leave your depressed FIL mouldering on his own that day.

His other children sound like a right bunch of bastards. As clam said, be glad you married your DH and not one of them.

Original poster
crazygal · 20/12/2011 13:38

lol clam....you are right!! im glad im not married to any of them!
fil cant handle noise and my ds is LOUD!!! il see if dh will ask his brother,but if he wont then i wont,or couldnt see him on his own.
i like the idea of having him come for some of the day...why didnt i think of that Hmm
i could do a late lunch,say 3-4oclock,i think i could handle that.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 20/12/2011 14:04

That sounds like a good plan. your ds can play and be noisy during the day, fil can come over for dinner late afternoon and dh can take him home again after. Everyone gets a bit of what they want.

Original poster
crazygal · 20/12/2011 14:13

yes i think i can do that,ds might have found something he can get stuck into by then! i think dh will be happy with that to :) thank you all xxxx

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 20/12/2011 14:18

I think its totally fine to have Christmas morning on your own, let DS open his presents, run around daft and have the inevitable tantrum or two with the excitement, then have FIL over for the afternoon, do the food then, there's bound to be an energy slump from DS at some point as well Xmas Grin. I also think it's perfectly OK to say 'it's DS Christmas, if he wants to be noisy we are going to let him, please don't tell him off FIL.'

If he is depressed he may well want to go home fairly sharp after meal anyway.

This sounds like a good compromise, and I think your DH sounds lovely too!

grograg · 20/12/2011 14:20

YABU

You are very lucky to still have your FIL, my very DFIL died in august and last xmas our dd's had chicken pox and he couldnt come :( that was his last xmas. He spent the day on hs own because no one else wanted him at their house :(

NatashaBee · 20/12/2011 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minimisschief · 20/12/2011 14:27

Of all the times of the year. The one about family and friends and you dont want to put up with your husbands father who is depressed after losing his sister and threatens to kill himself

Your husband is probably very worried about him and he knows his other siblings do not give a crap.

Look at it this way.hat happens if one year your parents needed you and you wanted to look after them. You would want support from your husband yes?

This shouldn't even be a question i mean come on

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