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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be really annoyed with ex-MIL with presents

30 replies

saladsandwich · 20/12/2011 00:55

ex-MIL will spend absolutely loads of money on ds yet again for christmas (more than i do) but all the presents stay at her house. he already has last years and the year before thats christmas presents so she isn't lacking in toys there, she will spend more than i have.

i'm also really really annoyed with her for holding money back the ex had given to ds for his christmas/birthday (ds's dad is away), he gave £90, £45 for a christmas present and the other £30 for a coat because he really needs one and £15 for a toy on his birthday, i found the perfect toy for ds, show it MIL she goes to town decides it's crap and buys him a £30 present for his birthday and tells me after.

she knows we aren't good for cash at the moment, its been ds's birthday, christmas and i'm moving house if i'd have known she was going to do this i'd have put some money to one side to get ds a new winter coat but now i'm going to have to borrow one.

i gave her a copy of ds's nursery photo but because there was some other images she wants copies of them all so i can't hand the others out as presents now.

sorry for the long winded post but shes really annoyed me lately AIBU?

OP posts:

IneedAChristmasNickname · 20/12/2011 00:57

Why does your ds' dad give her the money not you?
You can still give her the other images for a present, I would!
Other than that, I'm not sure if YABU, I don't think you are, My MIL is a PITA too!

squeakytoy · 20/12/2011 00:59

why is she being given money for your son?

tell her straight that you need that £30 for her grandsons winter coat!

Bogeyface · 20/12/2011 01:02

the problem is that if he gives her the money, there isnt much you can do, but I dont think YABU to be pissed off.

And I hate the "The presents stay here" crap. Either they are a present for the child or not. If they are then they go wherever the child goes, if they are not then dont give them the excitement of opening them and then not being allowed to take them home!

Ex will be coming here on Xmas eve to drop of the kids presents and will keep a stocking for them at his for when they get there for tea. We then have a bit of a conference (with the kids) and divvy up the presents roughly so they have something at each house to play with, but over the following weeks things go back and forth. If there comes a time where there is hardly anything here or there then we just call and say "can you make sure they bring so and so back please" But I have a good relationship with my ex which I know is worth its weight in gold.

Anywaaay, that long winded rubbish was to say that YANBU about the presents staying there either!

Bogeyface · 20/12/2011 01:03

Can you email your ex and explain that she spend the coat money on something else so can he please have a word with her to not do it again or send you the money in future?

Have you ever actually called her on this?

1Catherine1 · 20/12/2011 01:26

It doesn't matter if you ex-MIL spends £1000 on christmas presents for your DC if she insists they stay there. If they have to stay there then surely they aren't for the children anyway and she is buying them for herself and letting them borrow them. I'd pull her on that personally and ask her not to confuse my children. But then you have to keep the peace with a MIL, you have no obligations to an ex-MIL. As far as the money goes, your ex really should be giving it straight to you and not via mummy-dearest... I'd phone him and ask him for it.

tigerlillyd02 · 20/12/2011 02:02

Agree that presents should go where a child lives! You wouldn't give a child in any other circumstances a present but say you're keeping it yourself for whenever you see them. Hows that a gift?

You need to ensure that any money from your Ex comes straight to you. Have words with him.

confuddledDOTcom · 20/12/2011 02:17

My mum sometimes buys presents to keep at hers but usually it's things she knows will get broken at my brothers house as they have five kids who are all quite boistrous and not careful with toys so if she gets something nice she says to whoever it's for to keep it there for next time. They're around hers all the time anyway. Your MIL OTOH sounds controlling!

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 20/12/2011 06:52

Why is your ex sending money via his mum? Bit weird. I would change that pronto if I were you.

troisgarcons · 20/12/2011 06:57

It says in the OP he is away at the moment so left money with his mother

troisgarcons · 20/12/2011 07:22

i gave her a copy of ds's nursery photo but because there was some other images she wants copies of them all so i can't hand the others out as presents now.

Tell her to buy a set herself from the photographer.

FannyFifer · 20/12/2011 07:30

I would probably just tell her to fuck off.

whomovedmychocolate · 20/12/2011 07:38

I think I'm with Fannyfifer.

I would instruct my son to say very clearly: 'why can't I take MY presents home, I thought they were for me' AND 'I'm SO COLD because I don't have a coat and you spent the money on this plastic tat from China'.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 20/12/2011 08:12

YANBU. It's one thing wanting to see your GC open the presents and play with them but quite another to insist they stay at your own house! Is it blackmail so you visit more?

The money thing is just odd. I'm not sure I understand it.

2rebecca · 20/12/2011 08:37

She would be buying her own photos if she wanted a set, but then I don't buy my exinlaws presents nor they me.
I agree that presents should be for a child to take where he wants and is they aren't then they aren't presents for the child but presents for her house that he can borrow when there. I would say this too her.
I'm divorced and there are some things I don't want my kids taking from the house when at their dads (due to size/ breakability). I have never given them these as presents though, they have just been things we've bought. Their presents including wiis are for them to take back and forth as they wish.

Original poster

saladsandwich · 20/12/2011 16:58

thanks for the replies:

i suppose i don't want to rock the boat so to speak with ex-MIL so i have never challenged her properly on it plus she only lives 3 streets away, i don't have much family, there is only my dad really and he works full time and is not in fantastic health so i couldnt really put ds on him, he wouldnt cope so i only really have her to rely on if anything goes wrong although when i was ill and needed hospital i had to wait till morning because she just wouldn't watch him for me kept telling me to wait till morning, my dad had him till one of my aunties came for him in the end.

my dad reckons i should just cut ties but ds does like going and i do pop in to see the ex in laws because ds wouldnt get to see them because they only come round when its his birthday, i'm going to have words with ds's dad next time i hear from him, but he will either not say anything to her or kick off and cause more trouble than it's worth.

i'm dreading next month. ds is suppose to be going to see his dad for a weekend but it is 3 train rides away and ex MIL cannot cope with ds on her own and his dad can't have ds on his own he doesnt know him well enough so i have been roped into going, seems like i have all the hard work while they reap the benefits of ds... i know i need to put my foot down

OP posts:

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 20/12/2011 17:12

'I'm sorry EXMIL but we're going to be coming around a lot less in the New Year, DS is beginning to get upset that the presents bought by you aren't really his but yours, he's getting confused by it as he wants to be able to play with them properly. Probably easiest if we avoid having him see what he isn't allowed to really enjoy, at least til he's a bit older.'

And contact your ex and tell him she's withheld his money and spent it on what she wants. Be blunt, angry and make sure he knows you're reconsidering how much contact you have, as she is being totally inappropriate.

2rebecca · 20/12/2011 17:18

I don't understand the situation with your son's dad. If he is unsafe with your son why not arrange for him to have supervised contact nearer to you? If it's his dad's weekend surely he should be doing the travelling or you both splitting it.

whackamole · 20/12/2011 17:31

It sounds like she wants to keep the presents at hers so that you will let him visit more often, especially as they only live 3 streets away.

YANBU though.

sue52 · 20/12/2011 17:54

She sounds controlling. Why is she still holding onto the other £60 her son gave for the coat? You have to challenge her on this or things wont change. YANBU.

kelly2000 · 20/12/2011 18:16

Put your foot down. Do not have a word with ex about his mother keeping the money, simply tell him he has to buy DS a new coat, and if he says his mother has the money, tell him you have not seen it and he will have to sort it out with her if he wants the money back, but he still owes for a coat. And if your ex wants to see DS let him come and get him, and stay with ex-MIL, why should you make the journey? And if the presents are Ds then it is up to him where they go not the giver. And give her the photos as a gift, why should you buy copies because she wants them now.

otisreading · 20/12/2011 18:16

Can she not see that your son is in need of a warm coat when he visits her?

bochead · 20/12/2011 22:35

The money is not for your son's welfare - it's currently for your ex-mil's ego!

If ex-mil cannot be trusted to hand the cash over to you or buy and let the child keep items for daily use in his own home then the father is failing in his duty of care to his own child. Basically the woman has "ishoos" that are impacting on the welfare of the child.

Contact the ex directly and tell him (don't ask!) his son needs £X for a new winter coat as he's gone without. Tell him straight that he is failing to provide for his son's basic needs and that to your son there is no difference between him giving the coat money to his Mum or peeing it up the wall himself as the result is the same - no appropriate weatheer clothing for your son.

These days you can do a same day internet bank transfer from his account to yours in seconds or he can use paypal or even post a cheque or use western union (hell it works for thousands of immigrant families!). There is no need for the MIL to be an intermediary - SHE is not the "parent" you and the ex are. Tell (don't ask) that in future funds for your son need to be sent directly to yourself so that the CHILD and not her ego sees the benefit.

WTF can't he purchase his OWN chrimbo pressies for his kid - again amazon can deliver to your house.

As for the MIL - you've tried to keep her sweet as you recognise you may need support in an emergency (trust me as a single Mum with an sen kid on a special diet this one resonated with me). However - the one time you needed her for this purpose she let you down so set about sorting out a GENUINE support network for yourself from other sources. Life as a lone parent is hard enough without people who play silly mind games (that's what retaining pressies at her house is - a controlling mind game ffs). A dose of flu for you and the daily grind & you'll need HELP not controllers.

Do remember that with controlling types they only have power over you as long as you remain beholden to them somehow. Assert your independence and you remove their power. Sort out your finances (save 50p a week, buy in the summer sales etc if that's all you can afford or become an expert jumble shopper) so that you are no longer dependent on the ex's money if you can't get the father to see sense.

Tell yourself this will be the last winter you EVER have to ask him for the basics for your child if he won't give you maintenance directly. Stop considering it as part of your budget forever so your child doesn't suffer. Effectively by NOT giving you the money for the coat the ex-mil and especially the father have let your child down very badly - please don't allow your child to grow up thinking this kind of power play at the expense of basic needs is normal as it isn't healthy.

Perhaps there's another Mum at your child's nursery who would be only too pleased to help out in emergencies so long as you are willing to reciprocate if needed? It's a constant source of wonder to me that despite my son's issues I have a couple of friends who will do this for me - but building that emotional and practical support network did take a lot of effort on my part.

skybluepearl · 20/12/2011 23:05

hand out the photos as planned but give MIL the details of the photographer and ask her to make contact. Explain you sadly can't give other photos as you don't have mush money at all.

skybluepearl · 20/12/2011 23:07

Yes contact the Ex and explain that MIL hasn't bought a winter coat as agreed. Explain you showed her a good coat but then she got a toy

Original poster

saladsandwich · 20/12/2011 23:35

i've spoken with a friend and she says they have some really decent coats in tesco at the moment pretty cheap so going through tomorrow. he's just had a growth spurt, he has 2 coats but with him going to nursery 3 times a week i am having to constantly wash them and they just aren't thick any more. when i tried mentioning it to her about his coats she just said well layer him up... i shouldn't have to though.

i feel torn between what they want, what ds wants and what i want. she acts like some martyr she doesn't realise how selfish she is, there is occasions where she as watched ds for me so i feel bad moaning, but when they see ds they expect me to be there.

in the mean time i'm doing my best to teach my ds that any toys he gets off santa at grandma's house are his .... its going quite well, he has limited speech so i've taught him to just load the buggy up and say mine :)

the situation with his dad is extremely complicated, he will see him 4 times this year, only way to do it is for ds to go to see him but ds can't stop in his dads accomodation with him so a B&B is provided for his mum, me and ds so ex can see his son and family. if i don't go he can't see his dad but then i have to spend all this time with them.

OP posts:

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