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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be sick and tired of doing everything for Kids and Christmas...

41 replies

rubyblue · 19/12/2011 20:01

I know this is not just me but I am so tired I am sitting here in tears. I do all the Christmas shopping, wrapping, cards, pressies for nursery staff, taking stuff back, thank you cards, decorations etc. I work one day less a week than DH (we do exactly the same high level job but I choose to do 4 days) and I do both drop off and pick up, but since first dc and maternity leave, I have become the household manager/slave. I did suggest we split the christmas tasks but he looked horrified and now he's ill (it is genuine although he can manage to take himself to the shops!) so I ended up doing it all anyway. I am just so tired out by it all that I'm actually closed myself away in bed to avoid him as don't want to lose my rag and seem like a heartless cow. Oh god, I am such and moan and an old scrooge but really, are the ten minutes of 'ahhhh' worth all this??

OP posts:
hellhasnofury · 19/12/2011 20:05

Did you tell him what you wanted him to do? In my experience asking him to do half is too general. My DH needs to be armed with an action plan and sent on his merry little way. Short of that, just stop. If you don't do it what's the worst that'll happen?

KittyFane · 19/12/2011 20:09

No, you are shattered that's all.
My DH sits around doing nothing. I've done everything.
We both teach FT and he is annoying me to death ATM.
YANBU but no advice :( just sympathy.

Original poster
rubyblue · 19/12/2011 20:11

Yes, I asked him to buy presents for the kids on his side of the family - 5 in all plus two adults. He said he would be with such a face on him and I was going to make him so that he would realise the time I spend on doing this but then it I shot myself in the foot as I was online anyway and just did a whole bunch at once. It's not even just the presents, it's all the other stuff. But then he got ill and that was it. I'm just exhausted by it all, just does not seem worth it and I know I'm just focussing on Christmas but it's a symptom on the wider imbalance in our relationship. He says I don't realise how much he does which is probably true as he does do his share with the kids but generally, it's me who organises all the household stuff. I guess when he's better I should just give him a list of stuff but it seems like I'm such a nag when I do that.
Any advice on how to galvanize a fella into action?

OP posts:
Original poster
rubyblue · 19/12/2011 20:14

I'm on a roll now...big moan that I am. KittyFane, that's the thing. He acts like cos I work one day less a week, like I have loads more time than him when actually i'm looking after our kids and doing all the laundry, bed linen, chores, post office trips blah blah. Seriously, if I got sick, he would be calling in his mum. What is it with men???? I mean, he is an intelligent, kind, lovely man but if he's no good at sharing what I think is a joint responsibility, then what hope is there? And I guess it would be mitigated if he actually appreciated everything that I do for our/his family, but he doesn't. He says he does but there's no thanks there so I turn into a total martyr Blush

OP posts:
KittyFane · 19/12/2011 20:16

I actually felt the same way as you OP and I wrote down the things both he and I do regularly. There was a lot more on his list than I thought (grrr). Try it- everything from emptying bin, pick ups (dc), buying loo roll, sorting bills, shopping etc.

I still stand by what I said about Christmas though, I have dine absolutely everything.

Does your DH help more when he is well?

Sidge · 19/12/2011 20:16

The thing is the more you do it, the more you become a martyr to the cause.

I know it's a generalisation but IME most men need it in black and white - they need LISTS.

I do all the Christmas prep - shopping, wrapping, cards, parcel posting, teacher gifts, organising the calendar to make sure DH and I get to the assorted Christmas nativities/concerts etc (we have 3 children at school) etc etc. To be fair I work less than half the hours DH does but then I do all the drop offs and pick ups etc and housework etc.

BUT come Christmas Eve, my job is done. I am finished. DH has to take over then and does all the food prep, cooking etc. I spend Christmas Day doing very little!

CocktailQueen · 19/12/2011 20:16

I had the same this year with my dh - I lost my rag and screamed that he had no idea how long I spend on all the xmas stuff. I do everything for xmas - for all relatives - shopping, pressies, cards, food, menus, school and teascher pressies etc etc etc. Felt better after ranting but I AM SO SICK OF IT ALL. I've done it ever since we've been together and really, why???????????????????????????????

I'm going to make a list of everything I do for xmas and present it to dh next November and he can bloody well do his share. I'll make separate lists - but the hardest thing is sitting on my hands and not doing his stuff for him if he leaves it till the last minute (as he does). Argh!

KittyFane · 19/12/2011 20:17

done

Original poster
rubyblue · 19/12/2011 20:29

Ah cocktail queen, so similar as i know that I am such an organiser that I could not bear for the presents not be bought and wrapped until xmas eve. It's just unnecessarily stressful. But yes, Kittyfane, you are right, I should do a list.
DH does do a little bit more when he's well but he sort of picks and chooses. Like, I would happily do an internet grocery shop which takes ten minutes and saves us having to spend two hours going to the supermarket and back again but he seems to enjoy supermarket shopping because (i think) he gets two hours on his own at the weekend without the kids, whilst I'm back at home fuming as I'm doing all the childcare and we're not doing family stuff. Oh god, I could go on and on....he has never, not once, cleaned the toilet or bathroom in this current house where we've lived for a few months now. In fact, since dc1 was born, we went from us taking turn about on bathroom and floors to me doing it all, every week. Maternity leave was the thing that did it for equality in housework in our relationship. We do laugh about it (hmmm) when I say that I'm a domestic robot. A couple of weeks ago I said to him directly and not in a nagging way, 'you need to help me with the laundry as I can't do it all every single day' and to be fair, it seemed to work.

OP posts:
marriedandwreathedinholly · 19/12/2011 20:29

Hmm. Have been married to dh for almost 21 years. There were times when the dc were small when I thought he did bugger all. There were times when he was abroad for almost 18 months coming home at weekends when I really appreciated and missed what he did even if it was keeping ds, who was then 14 on an even keel and giving me a hug when I'd had a bad day. I think you are probably both doing the hard yards and need to give each other a bit of slack.

Can you sit down with him with a list of all the jobs and say this is what we need to have done by Christmas Eve. Please let me know which you can do, so I can organise the rest.

Things do get easier as the years go by - not least because the grandparents (yours and dh's) die and there are fewer presents and less visits to make. The plus point is that the dc get bigger and as they need less of your time, there is more to get the jobs done.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 19/12/2011 20:31

OP - either he helps with the housework or he funds two to three hours of professional cleaning - end of if you are both working. 7 coffees and a couple of pints should cover it.

Original poster
rubyblue · 19/12/2011 20:36

Ha married, you are right and it's cheered me up. it's ironic as he is the one against getting a cleaner (funny that eh?).
I really do hope things get easier, I am tired to my bones and just never feel well or rested.

OP posts:
CrispLeCrisp · 19/12/2011 20:36

I have never done dh's family presents or cards for birthday or Xmas. Mil tries to give me grief if she doesn't get a card, but sorry, not my problem. I'm afraid once you do it once it sets a precedent Sad

Hope you get some help once he is better - definitely do a list. We have one on the table every weekend of 'stuff to get done' which is divvied up so dh can see I am doing loads of stuff and therefore nbu asking him to do some too. Better than just giving him a list I think.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 19/12/2011 20:47

Get a cleaner and someone to do your ironing, I'm not surprised you're shattered!

Regardless of whether he pulls a face, hand him a list that you need help with and ask.

Dh is pretty good, but he was used to his mother's way of nagging (endlessly) to get something done. The way I am - I'll ask once, and then if he doesn't I'll just get on with it, has taken some getting used to for him. Now he understands that if I ask then it really means I need his help NOW, not in 5 mins, not when he's finished reading whatever in the paper, RIGHT NOW.
It just irks me that I must sometimes ask, he is an adult so why does he have this ability to not see the same things I do that need doing?!

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 19/12/2011 20:58

Been married 23 years. At Christmas he has always done all of the food shopping and cooking and he writes the cards for his family and friends. I do the present buying, wrapping, Christmas decorations and the cards for my family and friends. We have always divided it this way through all of the years, whether I have been working full-time, part-time or SAHM. The same.

You are partners and partners divide up the jobs - simple really. I wouldn't have married him in the first place if he had been the sort of man who would expect me to do all of the "wifework".

TheRealTillyMinto · 19/12/2011 21:02

Any advice on how to galvanize a fella into action?

Yes. i am the queen of this. i get brought a coffee in bed every morning. well maybe not 5 days per year.... must work on that.

  1. get a cleaner & any other help you can afford.
  2. dont be the owner of the list of jobs. agree different areas for each of you but let your DH get on with it. think of returns to specialisation and not micro managing. i do all purchasing & financial organisation, DP does all the cooking
  3. compromise your standards with your DH's.
  4. develop a thick skin. i dont buy DP's family's presents. sometimes he manages it, sometimes he doesnt.
  5. learn to 'not see' jobs that need doing.
  6. do jobs together & make them fun.

we have been together for 17 yrs.

ledkr · 19/12/2011 21:14

I started athread about how overwhelmed i am with xmas prep today. Glad its not just me.My dh is one of lifes lovely men,does night feeds/wakes/early morns/all school runs on his days off and generally does as much housework as me. HOWEVER. Come xmas,birthdays,holidays and any randome organisation eg.arrange boiler cover,a plumber etc,he either doesnt do or does slowly or half heartedly.I also made lists and to my annoyance he does a lot. The annoying thing is that id much rather be abroad for xmas but its dh and dc's who want to be here then i run around like a blue arse fly to organise it.
One of the problems for us is different standards.I want the house immaculate for xmas and he could care less Hmm

TheRealTillyMinto · 19/12/2011 21:20

Never do a bad job well.

or you might be expected to do it a second time

BsshBossh · 19/12/2011 21:33

We're another household where DH sorts all presents/cards for his family and I sort mine. DH is also in charge of Christmas dinner and I am in charge of Boxing Day. We agree on joint big gift for DD and I tend to buy that but he buys all smaller gifts for her. We've been like this right from the beginning of our relationship and it works really well. I am in charge of cards/gifts at nursery as I so most drop offs and pick ups and playdates but DH will pick up things for me if given a list.

lambbone · 19/12/2011 21:34

Agree with Tilly - it's being the owner and issuer of the list of jobs that is maddening, even if (big if) partner does the stuff on said list. Why can't a grown man see what needs to be done? I think that's why so many of us won't say-we don't expect to have to, and it does seem to infantilise the men. But then they don't bloody see! Why don't they?

TheGoddessBlossom · 19/12/2011 21:43

I have just texted my BF moaning about this exact same thing. I have noticed that DH and I start to bicker as birthdays and Xmas approach and feel it is down to building resentment about the fact that I sort/pay for/organise EVERYTHING! If Christmas was left up to him we would have some outside lights. And that is it. And I had to nag him to do those. Have had a row tonight about it, and I have resorted to stopping doing all his cleaning up and have made myself a cuppa. Petty i know. But it does drive me mad, particularly as it is a precedent I have set. I used to enjoy doing it all - now I@d quite like to have someone sharing the load.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 19/12/2011 21:48
2kidsintow · 19/12/2011 22:18
WilsonFrickett · 19/12/2011 22:24

Get a bloody cleaner! Why do you even need his permission? Just go and do it. That's all the big cleaning done every week. If laundry is an issue then just do your own/DCs. He'll get with the programme when he runs out of pants. If you don't want to buy the gifts for his side of the family then...em...don't. You honestly can't have it both ways - look on it like the DCs having a tantrum. If you step in and give them what they want, even once, then they will keep on acting out because they figure you'll give in.

oranges · 19/12/2011 22:28

do not buy for his side of the family. accept that not every christmas thing has to be magical - so you do the lunch and let him plan and execute christmas eve, even if it means an indian takeaway and the telly.