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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick and tired of doing everything for Kids and Christmas...

41 replies

rubyblue · 19/12/2011 20:01

I know this is not just me but I am so tired I am sitting here in tears. I do all the Christmas shopping, wrapping, cards, pressies for nursery staff, taking stuff back, thank you cards, decorations etc. I work one day less a week than DH (we do exactly the same high level job but I choose to do 4 days) and I do both drop off and pick up, but since first dc and maternity leave, I have become the household manager/slave. I did suggest we split the christmas tasks but he looked horrified and now he's ill (it is genuine although he can manage to take himself to the shops!) so I ended up doing it all anyway. I am just so tired out by it all that I'm actually closed myself away in bed to avoid him as don't want to lose my rag and seem like a heartless cow. Oh god, I am such and moan and an old scrooge but really, are the ten minutes of 'ahhhh' worth all this??

OP posts:

PreviouslyonLost · 19/12/2011 22:42

marriedandwreathedinholly ... Things do get easier as the years go by - not least because the grandparents (yours and dh's) die and there are fewer presents and less visits to make.

Bloody hell, that's one way of cheering the OP up, I don't think (unless she has a MIL like mine)

Christmas would die on its arse if women didn't exist. Santa is a woman...ALL those presents? Beautifully wrapped? Delivered to the recipients on time? NO penis involved I can tell you

CailinDana · 19/12/2011 22:48

Perhaps you're taking too much on? At Christmas the only people I buy presents for are my DH, my parents and my two sisters. For the first time this year I also have a DS to buy for (very exciting!) but actually DH has done most of that. I just buy small presents that are easy to get. DH and I decorated the tree together and I've made a list of what needs to be bought for the dinner. What else is there to do besides that? There's no way on earth I would buy presents for DH's family, that's his responsibility.

WRT everything else - why don't you send one of the kids to the shop with him at the weekend? It really isn't fair that he swans off to do something he enjoys (even if it is a household task) while you're left at home with the children. Insisting that he brings at least one child might change his mind on that one! Don't wash or iron his clothes - that's one job that he'll have no choice but to take on. Assign him responsibility for one of the children during the week - so he has to take care of that child's homework, getting up, eating, etc etc. See how he does with it.

Cathycat · 19/12/2011 22:49

Start working 5 days then there is no excuse! :)

tallulah · 19/12/2011 22:55

Yes, I was having a rant about this very thing yesterday.

DH moans that he hates Christmas. If it was up to him it would be a normal day (and he'd be at work). I get to do all the present buying, food shopping, card writing, decorations. If it was up to him we wouldn't even have a tree.

In addition I sorted out the airing cupboard 2 days ago. The clothes are still on the floor. I always end up putting away his and DD's as well as mine, just because he'll leave them there. I don't want to have to remind him. He can see the piles as well as I can.

Same happens for holidays, which I book, arrange, pay for, arrange the insurance, find the passports, pack for and unpack for. He just presents himself, like one of the children. His argument is he usually drives. But not always, and the year I got stuck with all the driving I still did everything else as well. 28 years :(

CailinDana · 19/12/2011 23:04

I think it's very unhealthy to get into a dynamic where one partner treats the other like their parent (usually the man treating the woman like his mother). I know men are to blame for this but I think women are complicit in the sense that they don't put their foot down and demand respect. I know my DH would be quite content to live in a shithole and do zero housework but he chose to live with me and so he doesn't have that luxury. It is ridiculous to decide to live with someone and to then disregard their views on how a house should be run. Would those same men swan into work at a time that suited them, wear whatever they like and do whatever they like? I doubt it, yet they expect to just suit themselves at home. For example with the holidays tallulah, could you just say to your DH that you expect him to plan next year's holidays and leave him to it? What would happen? I told DH he'd have to plan our honeymoon. I had no idea where we were going until he handed me the tickets at the airport. It was a brilliant holiday and he liked organising it so much that that's now his job in our family (well it would be if we could actually afford holidays anymore!)

tallulah · 20/12/2011 09:57

What would happen if I asked him to sort out the holiday? He wouldn't remember until the day before we were due to go, wouldn't bother with insurance, wouldn't occur to him that DD's passport expires this summer, and we'd go nowhere :(

We went on a beach holiday last year and I asked him- for once- to pack his own clothes. When we got there he had no swimming things, one pair of shorts, and only his work shoes. We ended up spending a huge part of our holiday budget buying sandals and shorts we could have got from Matalan/ Tesco for a few pounds.

I can't afford to indulge his "forgetfulness" :(

CailinDana · 20/12/2011 10:09

That's bloody ridiculous Tallulah! How does a grown man not know how to pack for himself! Does he manage to hold down a responsible job? I just don't get how some men can run whole companies yet are totally inept at home. It makes me think that they think home life just isn't important enough to warrant any care or attention, which is so disrespectful to the family :(

TheRealTillyMinto · 20/12/2011 10:35

i agree Caitlin. you have to have over the responsibility of the job & step away from it.

i am really very unsure about handing over a list & saying these are your jobs (that i have allocated you). i think most people would prefer, at work, to be given responsibility for an area rather than being given a list of tasks planned for them by someone else.

the alternative thinking that your partner is not capable of the task which i aodnt think is correct - they are but they wont perform task in the same way as you because no two people ever do. they also might have to make some mistakes in order to learn but dont we all?

TheRealTillyMinto · 20/12/2011 10:41

Tallulah - you are assuming he hasnt learnt anything from that. if he did everyone packing & got it wrong, you would all survive & he would learn from it.

justcallmemummypig · 20/12/2011 10:51

oh god see i need help too, i am a sahm so it's prob a bit easier.

Not only do i do all our xmas present shopping, i now seem to be doing my mum and dads (divorced so two lots!) present shopping for my kids and dh... they all get me a present tho i don't have to do that too!

I write all the cards and wrap everything...get all the food and drink shopping in.

then we have my parents to stay from xmas eve to the 27th and do all the cooking for those 4 days.

The prob is i have done this for years now, it's my fault in the beginning i shouldn't have started....i can see me doing it for the next century.

OhdearNigel · 20/12/2011 10:55

"Any advice on how to galvanize a fella into action?"

Don't do it. I said I wasn't going to put up the decorations if he didn't get a tree. I didn't and lo and behold, he sorted it out. You have to make a threat and STICK TO IT

lynniep · 20/12/2011 11:00

I get where you're coming from. I dont mind doing the christmas stuff really as I'm better at it and I'm relatively organised.
BUT what I REALLY hate are the comments like 'Did WE send a christmas card to so and so' which I can deal with because I am the royal WE, but worse 'why didnt you send one to ....' (because I may run the household but I'm not a mind reader and I wasnt aware you expected me to send a card to your long lost mate in Oz of whose whereabouts I know not)

and 'what are you doing THAT for - leave it till tommorrow (said on a daily basis about anything at all)'

and the MOST annoying 'what are you doing?' when its BLATANTY obvious e.g. sitting on the rug in front of him with a massive pile of christmas cards, an address book, a large sheet of stamps and a pen, scribbling away in each card. (this is only example - he asks me this ALL the time and gets upset when I'm sarky about it even though I'm doing something really obvious like sorting the washing or changing a lightbulb or something)

trixie123 · 20/12/2011 11:01

thing is, even if you have DP who will do stuff when asked, its the fact that YOU have to be organised enough to know to ask so its still sort of your job. Four times this morning DP has asked me where the wipes are (we are staying with relatives, two kids in different parts of the house so complicated) but why is it ME that is supposed to know? DP will do xmas stuff (and I refuse to shop for his relatives so he does that) but I do get asked for input wheras he never asks what I have got my parents, sister etc. If he does forget something he blames me for not reminding him, but he never reminds me to put on washing or make up bottles or pay a bill or change the beds or...... it just gets done somehow. BUT he did just not raise any objection to me spending far too much on a sparkly item of clothing for the festive season so and happy christmas!

AimAndFire · 20/12/2011 11:15

lynnieP - my DH does the same thing to me and it's so annoying. Isn't it obvious that I'm emptying the dishwasher / getting school bags ready for the morning / sorting out clothes /etc etc?

He usually follows it up with "But I was going to do that". And yes he was going to do it, oh, about 2 days later than it needed to be done.

So so so bloody annoying!

TheRealTillyMinto · 20/12/2011 12:56

i dont know how you cope with being treated like that. i would need a major change in DP if he acted like that towards me, not a christmas top.

Fenouille · 20/12/2011 14:22

AimAndFire: the answer to that is then obviously, "Oh great, here you go then," and you go and have a sit down and a cuppa while he finishes it off.

I'm with Tilly, I'm at how some of your DP and DH treat you. My DH shares equally in the running of the household because we're a family, and that's what families do.

It's not a question of asking them to help, it's a joint discussion that is on-going; "What needs doing today/this week/this month? Shall I sort this out if you do that?"

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