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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to drink?

43 replies

babytinkabell · 18/12/2011 13:50

I've been with my dh for 11 years. In all the time we've been together he never drank an awful lot, but sometimes when he starts he doesn't know when to stop and will drink till he's sick. This hasn't happened for years, since we had the kids really. Back at the start he was occasionally violent towards me when he drank. Again its years since this happened.
In September he went out one night with his two BILs. He was supposed to be back around 11.45 so I could go out to collect foster d from a local disco. Instead he rang his sis and asked her to call over and sit with my kids while i went to get her. He finally arrived home around 3 a.m. completely pissed. Foster d had 2 friends staying and my nephew was also spending the night. I got dh up to the bedroom and asked him to be quiet so he didn't wake the kids. He stood up and told me to shut up or he'd go down and throw them all out of the house. Then he started telling me to fuck off, that i never really cared about him etc. I got really freaked out that he'd start getting violent so i went across the road and got my bil to come over and calm him down. He did and dh basically just fell asleep in the end (after being sic everywhere). Luckily none of the kids woke while this was going on.
We talked the next day about him drinking and he said he doesn't think he has a problem. I disagree with this, I think its quite a serious problem.
Anyway he's going out tomorrow night with same BILs and I really want to ask him not to drink. However i realise that he's not a child and i can't tell him what to do. But I can't risk him ever coming home like that again. What if the kids had woken and been afraid? Or if he had tried to throw them out. AIBU to tell him its fine to go out but not to drink seeing as he can't seem to stop once he starts? He has to travel to the hospital early the next morning as well to bring his dad to a check up and i don't want to risk him losing hi licence for still being over the limit.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 18/12/2011 13:52

I doubt he could not drink. I would however ask him to sleep somewhere else for the night considering his history of drinking TOO much.

It is not the fact he drinks it is the fact he does not know when to stop and it makes him agressive.

Callisto · 18/12/2011 13:53

Lock the door and if he shows up pissed don't let him in. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and I can't believe that he is only like this when very drunk. Is he usually kind, generous and respectful of you OP? Or is he in fact a bit of an arse and the drinking just really exacerbates it?

michglas · 18/12/2011 13:53

I'm quite disturbed that you have a foster daughter, when your DH is a violent drunk who has threatened to disturb the kids - whose to say he won't turn on the foster daughter?

Gonzo33 · 18/12/2011 13:54

I don't want to read and run, but I don't really know what to suggest.

The only thing I will say is that my addictive friends have always had to have seen the problem themselves before getting the help that they need.

I hope that he abstains from the drink tomorrow for yours and the kids sake.

Original poster
babytinkabell · 18/12/2011 14:04

Gonzo he thinks he doesn't have a problem i think because there can be years between these incidents. Michglas we only started fostering last year and there had been 7 years at that stage since anything had happened. Since we had kids neither of us really drink at all. When we do its the odd glass of wine on a saturday night with a dvd and no more than that. We don't go out to th epub or anything cos neither of us are interested.

OP posts:
Bloodymary · 18/12/2011 14:04

I am with michglas.
He is a foster father and he behaves like that Shock

If SS hear about this you will not be fostering any longer.
And quite right too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/12/2011 14:07

I would tell him to go and have fun - and book into the nearest Travelodge/Premier Inn for the night. Tell him that the two go together and that whilst you won't try to stop him drinking (you couldn't anyway), you're not prepared to put up with that behaviour again - and you won't.

Then he can go and get blotto with your blessing.

FeebleFeebie · 18/12/2011 14:10

i wouldnt say its a problem if it only happens once in a very blue moon. I also think its unreasonable to say dont drink, but maybe you could suggest he alternates alcohol with soft drinks. It is christmas though, i am sure lots of people go out and get worse for wear at this time of year

michglas · 18/12/2011 14:11

Doesn't matter, you still fostered when there had been incidents like that in the past. I am amazed you actually stayed with him never mind take on a foster child.

And yes this is probably coming from my experience in care, which to be honest was a lot worse than a violent drunk foster-father, but I do not condone any child being placed in a foster family where they are still at risk.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/12/2011 14:14

People aren't perfect though. I don't agree that foster parents should have to abide by a stricter set of rules than other parents. This drinking isn't a habit, it's a 'blue moon' kind of hair down episode. The shouting is more of an issue - if it happens all the time. I don't believe for a minute that no parent has ever shouted within their child's hearing. If that sort of perfection is expected, then ALL children should be removed from their parents and put in an insitution, carefully temperature controlled and tended by robots. Hmm

OP... only you really know if this is an issue that is more than you've posted. Does your DH realise the implications where your foster daughter is concerned?

michglas · 18/12/2011 14:23

The OP admited her DH had occasionly been violent to her in the past when drunk. Yes the drunken behaviour doesn't happen very often but it is enough to damage the foster daughter.

Veda · 18/12/2011 14:24

Your situation only backs up the fears I have about foster carers. Make a choice. The children or the drunk.

michglas · 18/12/2011 14:25

I would boot my DH out if he acted like that especially with our girls in the house, never mind other people's children. Having foster children is saying that you're privileged enough to be entrusted with other people's children, so yes you do have a higher duty of care towards them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/12/2011 14:29

It just seems odd to me that the few people I've heard about who have had children removed or given them up for fostering, have plenty to say about how SS find new care arrangement for their children.

I don't know OP's situation but I'm assuming that the arrangement is better than what the girl endured before and there isn't enough information here to make a judgement about the parenting skills of the OP or her husband.

Original poster
babytinkabell · 18/12/2011 14:33

Ok, quick update. The night out suddenly got changed to tonight as one BIL has to work tomorrow night. I talked to dh about drinking and he immediately said he was going to have 2 drinks and that was it and could i collect him at 11 p.m, his mum is coming to sit with the kids for a few mins. They're not going out till 9/9.30 so he wont have time to drink more than that anyway, think its a fair enough compromise. He does realise the implications it has for us fostering which is why he hasnt drank at all since, not even a glass at home since that happened. I had made a choice veda, i decided i wanted to foster as did dh. He had basically stopped drinking by the time we had our own kids,never mind started fostering. This was a bad one off incident which neither of us want to repeat.

OP posts:
Veda · 18/12/2011 14:36

I don't see how their parenting skills are relevant to the fact that he has been violent to the op while children were present.

Original poster
babytinkabell · 18/12/2011 14:36

And to be fair to dh he's an excellant parent and foster parent. Our last foster d was admitted to hospital after a self harming incident. Dh went in the ambulance, stayed with her all night, came home at 7 a.m. and went straight to work. He did the same the following night. He treats the foster kids as his own. He did mess up that night, badly, but he is sorry and doesn't want it to ever happen again.

OP posts:
CreamolaFoamless · 18/12/2011 14:37

Does it only happen with the BIL's? Could he stay at their's for the night?

Can you talk to him about it or will that just cause a fight?

If he's likely to be violent with drink I would want him not to drink at all but with it's only been once in 7 years (if this is the only issue) it doesn't sound as bad.

But then September was only a few months ago, I might be worried his drinking pattern is changing.

Difficult

Original poster
babytinkabell · 18/12/2011 14:37

Veda, he was never violent with children present. Yep that night he swore at me but any violent incidents were before we had kids.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/12/2011 14:38

They weren't present, Veda. OP and DH were upstairs or am I mistaken?

Veda · 18/12/2011 14:39

OiP it wasn't a ''one-off'' if it has happened before.

michglas · 18/12/2011 14:40

They were still in the house because he threatened to go downstairs and throw them out.

Veda · 18/12/2011 14:40

By ''prsent'' I mean in the house where they could have heard it.

Original poster
babytinkabell · 18/12/2011 14:42

They were in the house. But he wasn't violent. Most couples I know have argued with their kids in the house to be fair.

OP posts:
michglas · 18/12/2011 14:43

All I can say is that it is a good job i don't know who you are, as i would be ringing SS to ask if they were aware of your history.

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